The damages caused by Others dominating Oneself

Identifying the costs incurred by Others domination

The recurring costs of the conflicts between Oneself and Others ravages the quality of our life and the lives of others whom we affect. When Others dominates at the expense of Oneself, then, especially since we see Others as the good guy, we are less likely to identify the costs, especially the costs to others.


Others domination costs are often more than Oneself indulgences

Because Others is seen as the good guy by others, the person with a dominating Others will be able to rise to power in a way that can cause more damage to others than a person with a indulgent Oneself could ever cause.

Whenever there is a conflict, the damages caused cannot often be attributed just to one side. Each side, in some way, has responsibility because they are choosing to participate in the conflict, rather than looking for a way for both to win. However, when Others (as a individual or as a group) dominates consistently in one or more areas of our lives, then we will notice several of the following, ordered roughly from extreme to mild:

Costs incurred by Others domination

  • War and genocide (people who lead and fight wars almost always do so in the name of duty, honor, obligation, loyalty, as well as helping and protecting others)

  • Communism, socialism, collectivism, and welfarism (that we should be forced to be our brother’s keeper)

  • Trade barriers (we should protect the businesses and employees of our country against the businesses and employees of other countries)

  • Immigration barriers (we should protect our citizens from lower from competition from people who can provide cheaper or better service)

  • Racism (racists feel their are protecting others of their race against the bad influences or genes of another race)

  • Nationalism (protecting the people of your country against the people of other countries)

  • Religious separatists (feel they are protecting others from bad beliefs and bad actions of non-believers)

  • Nepotism (supporting others in their family through business or political power)

  • Cynicism

  • Just doing my job (as I am expected to do)

  • Got a family to feed; can’t quit the boring job

  • Blaming others when they act or speak selfishly

  • Blaming others when they don’t follow the rules

  • Blaming others when they don’t fulfill their obligations to duty and loyalty

  • Not thinking for oneself and agreeing with others

  • Belief in evil and thinking/treating some others as bad and wrong

  • Perfectionism (to get others’ approval and avoid their blame)

  • Self-sacrifice (to get other’s approval and avoid their blame)

  • Defensiveness (when you believe you should say yes to others and you haven’t created good boundaries with others, it’s easy to feel defensive)

  • Loneliness (showing only our “good, giving side,” we will make ourselves feel lonely, feeling like nobody really know us)

  • Keeping up with the Jones (wanting to look good, we will push beyond what makes us truly happy to either keep up with the Jones or surpass them)

  • Resentment and anger towards others (because, being a “good guy,” we haven’t taken care of ourselves with others by creating the necessary boundaries)

  • Withdrawal from others (again, being a “good guy,” we haven’t taken care of ourselves with others by creating the necessary boundaries and the only thing we know to do is withdraw)

  • Inauthenticity and the tiredness of wearing a mask (we can’t show ourselves fully because that would involve acknowledging our “bad, selfish guy.”)

  • Comparing ourselves negatively to others (because it’s so important that we look good to others and we want to beat others to the punch by self-criticism)

  • Guilt (because we imagine that we are not meeting the standards of another or of society, so we beat them to the punch by beating ourselves up first)

  • Indecisiveness (because we’re concerned that others will blame us if we make the wrong choice)

  • Boredom (because we are tolerating others in order to be seen as a “good guy”)

  • Feeling hurt or betrayed (because the other person is not meeting your standards of being a “good guy” and being fair)

  • Not loving your job or career (because you don’t want to avoid others disapproving of you if you take the risks and actions to find something that you love)

  • Eating poorly (because you don’t want others to think you’re strange and unsocial with your “different diet”)

  • Smoking and drinking (because you want to be one of the guys)

  • Being suppressed, serious, and significant (because you don’t want others to think you’re strange, weird, silly, or “too different”)

  • Not speaking up in groups (because you don’t want to be seen as going against the consensus or bucking the boss or asking a stupid question)

  • Not making requests (to make requests is selfish and, if they say “no,” then they will think badly of me for bothering them)

  • Not saying “no” (to say “no” is selfish and it could damage the relationship)

  • Not keeping good boundaries (they will think I don’t care about them and they will be angry with me)

  • Lying (because you want to make sure you look good to others and so they won’t get upset with you)


Others domination weakens the power of Others to care for and serve others

Our Others, of course, given how we see the world and others, is just trying to take care of what he or she sees and feels to be necessary to have good relationships with others and to take care of others. However, with Others fighting and refusing to consider what Oneself wants and needs, the results are, over time, that my-you is progressively less able to take care of what Others wants for us.