Have you ever noticed how wise people often tell us things we already know, but we have trouble remembering and acting on them consistently?

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Anyone older than ten years old and with a bit of reflection, can easily agree with Stephen Covey's maxim. But how often are we busy trying to get others to understand us first instead of remembering to practice following Stephen's nugget of wisdom?

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The mind-blocks

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There are "good excuses." Check out the Confirmation Bias, the False-Consensus Effect, the Dunning-Kruger Effect, the Belief Bias, the Curse of Knowledge, the Status Quo Bias, and the Not-Invented-Here Bias.

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What is the how to "seeking first to understand"

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Assuming, however, that we're able to remember and are interested in applying "seeking first to understand" in a given circumstance, what words might we use that are going to make it more likely that our efforts will be rewarded? How might we communicate to the other person our sincere desire to understand their perspective and to even discover that something that we thought was true was not true?

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Take off the glasses of "changing" and put on the glasses of "understanding"

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We need to separate the intentions of making a change and the intentions of understanding. First, we wear the glasses of a scientist to focus on "what is the truth?" Secondly, after understanding what is true, if we still want to change something, then we switch to wearing the glasses of the engineer with the focus, "given what is true, how can I change it to what I want?"

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Voice image and body language

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Dr. Albert Mehrabian's research into the elements of effective communication is best known for elucidating how people decide whether to believe a speaker's message when words and nonverbal signals are incongruent. His studies in the 1960s led to the formulation of what is often referred to as the "7%-38%-55% rule." 

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55% Nonverbal (Body Language): The largest portion of communication effectiveness according to Mehrabian's findings comes from nonverbal cues, which include facial expressions, gestures, posture, and other forms of body language. This aspect accounts for 55% of the message's impact.

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38% Vocal (Tone of Voice): The way the words are spoken, including tone, inflection, and other vocal nuances, contributes 38% to the message's impact. This indicates that how something is said often carries more weight than what is said.

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7% Verbal (Words): Mehrabian found that the actual words spoken account for only 7% of the overall impact of the message in situations where communication involves emotional or attitudinal exchanges.

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But the words are still quite important 

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• "Could you coach me step by step in being able to make a case for how you see things here? I'll repeat back your perspective and understanding until I get it perfect, okay?"

• "I think you can appreciate that we all wear different glasses in knowing what we know and looking at things in different ways. Right now, I'm noticing that how things are occurring for me in what we've been discussing are not quite matching up with how they seem to be for you. I want to discover what I may be missing. It would help me a lot if you could assist me in taking off my own glasses and trying on yours. Could you help me with that? I would be lucky if I could understand things better here."

• "I realize I might see this situation differently than you do. Could you help me understand your perspective on what's happening?"

• "I'm trying to grasp all sides of this issue. Can you share how you see things and what this feels like from your standpoint?"

• "I value your insights and I’d really like to understand your view on this. Would you mind walking me through your experience with this situation?"

• "I think I’m not seeing the whole picture here. Can you help me understand how you’re experiencing this issue?"

• "I want to make sure I truly understand where you're coming from. Could you explain what this situation looks like from your side?"

• "I feel like understanding your perspective might help us both. Would you be open to describing how you see things?"

• "I realize I might be missing some important aspects of this problem. Can you help fill in the gaps for me from your experience?"

• "I’m really curious about your take on this. How do you interpret what’s been happening?"

• "I respect your viewpoint and would like to understand it better. Could you share your thoughts on this matter?"

• "I believe your perspective is crucial to understanding this fully. Can you tell me how you see this situation unfolding?"

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