All our life we've been getting it backwards

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Yes, we've come by it honestly. Our culture, our religions, our parents, our teachers have all given us the message: results!

 

We praise and honor others, not because they're enjoying the journey of their life. We honor them for the results they create and what they do for us and others (more results).

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We celebrate suffering

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We celebrate and applaud individuals even more when their journey is or was arduous and challenging, but they demonstrated unwavering perseverance, keeping their focus and determination until they achieved the desired results. If they got where they are without hardship and struggle, they might even merit our lack of admiration. 

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Consequently, we have learned to judge ourselves this way. Our identity gets attached to "What have we accomplished" and even "Did we keep going through no matter what."

 

Results! Accomplishment! Perseverance! That's what counts. 

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Even reality tells us that. "If you don't catch the rabbit, you don't eat."

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The process is an "in order to," a side dish, instead of being the main one

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When we decide to go for something, that "something" is almost always a result. It's rare that the "something" is an enjoyable process that will probably also get a nice result. 

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We jump in, maybe do a bit of planning, but we rarely stop and ask the question, "Have I designed and setup the process (that I think could lead to the result) in a way that's likely to be enjoyable and sustainable within the context of everything else in your life?"

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In fact, it's often worse than "we've got the cart before the horse." We don't even recognize that the horse (the process and the journey) is an essential part of the equation and needs at least some attention.

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If you want results, take your eye off the results

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Yes, it might seem counterintuitive, but the validity of this concept becomes apparent upon closer examination.

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Significant results frequently rely on ongoing processes, some of which extend indefinitely. Consider, for example, earning a living, maintaining a healthy diet, acquiring valuable knowledge, and nurturing meaningful relationships.

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When we fail to prioritize the creation and implementation of enjoyable, engaging, and meaningful processes that are likely to lead to and uphold these results, we are not only underestimating the importance of the journey but also reducing our chances of attaining enduring and high-quality outcomes.

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Prioritizing the process itself should take precedence over all other non-process outcomes.

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Let's follow in nature's footsteps

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"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed."

-Francis Bacon

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Nature instilled in both men and women the desire for sex and made the act itself pleasurable. Without these design choices by Nature, our species might not have survived or even come into existence.

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Nature didn't shape us to fixate on the end result of parenting, which would demand substantial resources (24-hour care for the mother initially, additional mouths to feed, crying, and so forth).

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Instead, Nature concentrated on making the process of sexual activity something we ardently desire and find pleasurable, to put it mildly. The outcomes naturally followed suit.

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We have no choice

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While it might appear that we possess the ability to behave in a manner that contradicts moving us closer to anticipated pleasure and further from anticipated pain, I have not encountered anyone who can convincingly demonstrate this for any specific situation.

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Special notes about the distinctions of pleasure, pain, and projected

 

In this context, I employ the terms "pleasure" and "pain" in their most comprehensive meanings. For instance, "pleasure" encompasses the concept of eudaimonia, a sense of purpose, and the feeling of leading a fulfilling life. Similarly, "pain" encompasses boredom, fear, restlessness, a sense of purposelessness, depression, and loneliness.

 

Furthermore, I use the term "projected" in its broadest sense, encompassing both the automatic and more conscious aspects of our body and mind. The notion of projection is also constrained by how things currently exist and how they manifest in the moment of projection. It can involve an evaluation, whether unconscious or conscious, of the trade-offs when considering the various courses of action (or reaction) available to us, where both pleasure and pain are projected outcomes.

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Where Nature left off, we need to continue the design upon that foundation which She built

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The foundation bestowed upon us by Nature encompasses several key aspects:

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• We have an inherent tendency to move toward pleasure and steer away from pain.

• Uniquely among animals, we possess the ability to transcend the present moment; we can dwell in both the past and the projected or imagined future.

• Unlike our animal counterparts, we possess a formidable recursive capacity denoted by various terms such as metacognition, self-awareness, self-reflection, high-order thinking, and self-monitoring.

• Our mental faculties are significantly influenced by evolutionary traits that have evolved over millions of years, often leading us to make predictable mistakes. These cognitive biases, notably the present bias, hinder our ability to accurately assess the trade-offs between pleasure and pain in the ongoing moments of our lives. The present bias, also known as hyperbolic discounting or time inconsistency is a cognitive bias wherein individuals tend to prioritize immediate rewards or benefits over future rewards, even when the future rewards are objectively more valuable. In other words, people tend to favor smaller, immediate gains over larger, delayed rewards.

• In contrast to other animals, as we transition from childhood to young adulthood (typically starting around the age of five), Nature instills within us the desire to belong to social groups and a fear of disapproval from others, especially those within the groups we identify with. This desire to appear favorable (and avoid appearing unfavorable) becomes the primary context for determining what brings us pleasure and what triggers pain.

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In not fully recognizing and building on the foundation of pleasure and pain, along with our ability to make projections into the future that Nature has given us, we have built a house divided against itself

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In our efforts to counteract the present bias and mitigate the self-serving bias, we have predominantly chosen to address their effects by harnessing our unique ability (unlike other animals) to divide ourselves into two categories: "Next" and "Others," which we hold in high regard, and "Now" and "Oneself," which we tend to devalue. Unlike other animals, we possess the capacity for internal conflict, the ability to create concepts of good and bad, right and wrong, and engage in inner struggles.

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While this approach, often fueled by our addiction to "looking good and avoiding looking bad," may often yield desirable short-term outcomes, it exacts an immeasurable cost: a continuous internal conflict and a fundamental lack of integrity. This path leaves no clear victors among our inner protagonists, and essential aspects of ourselves, whether it be our "Next," "Now," "Others," or "Oneself," in any given circumstance, bear the brunt of the losses.

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The Five Regrets of the Dying

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"The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" is a book by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who recorded the most common regrets of the dying patients under her care. According to her book, the five regrets are:

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• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.​​

• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.​

• I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.​

• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.​

• I wish that I had let myself be happier.​

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The way out

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For each of us these interminable internecine battles and squabbles among our four protagonists, even after discerning the essence of their disputes, can seem intractable. 

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It's not. There is a trim tab: the Perfect Plan.

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The Perfect Plan is a learnable, step-by-step process, that can take less than fifteen minutes a day. Day by day, the fundamental prioritization of this one fifteen-minute practice will restore and maintain, not only your Now-Next Integrity, but also spill over into a new level of Oneself-Others Integrity.

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The Perfect Plan is a practice that, instead of your Next (your Parent) trying to use blame or approval to get his or her way with your Now (your Child), your Parent shows respect to your Child, consulting with him or her during the planning process so that the day is designed, not only to achieve some results, but so that, when it becomes time to engage with each activity throughout the day, your Child is willing and even eager to cooperate. 

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If your Parent does not show respect to your Child and design the day so that he or she can win too, then your Parent is not doing his or her job. This is an integral part of executing the Perfect Plan each day.

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Daily: an actionable trim tab must big enough to make the desired impact but not too big to manage

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"Each morning we are born again. What we do today matters most."

-Buddha

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The effectiveness of shaping the course, rhythm, and outcomes of our lives consistently becomes most manageable when we approach it one day at a time.

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If we were to break down our primary unit of time management into smaller increments, such as hour-by-hour, our perspective would become overly narrow, making it challenging to guide and navigate our lives in ways that can lead us to the desired journey and results.

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Conversely, if we were to manage our time in larger chunks, like one or two weeks at a time, it might become too unwieldy to create an actionable plan that can be not only mastered but also easily maintained with a sense of continuity from day to day.

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This doesn't mean that our daily planning and execution should exclude hourly mini-plans or reminders. It's also essential to periodically pay attention to the broader timeframes of weeks, months, years, and even decades.

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By adopting the role of the pilot in our own lives and focusing on one day at a time as our primary point of influence, we create an effective foundation. This foundation then influences both the shorter timeframes (minutes and hours) and the longer ones (weeks, months, and years), allowing them to flow together in harmony.

 

In most cases, however, we find a balance between predictability and flexibility by dedicating a specific time each day, typically at the end of the day or in the morning, to spend about fifteen minutes reviewing the previous day and mapping out how we intend the next 24 hours to unfold.

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How we typically plan (or don't plan) each day

 

• No Plan: A significant number of us either seldom or never formally establish a daily plan. Instead we might have a loose notion of their tasks or desires for the day and largely go with the flow as they navigate through their daily activities.

• To-Do Lists (fantasy planning): On the other hand, some of us regularly rely on a To-Do List to bring structure to our upcoming day. Many times, this list is essentially a modified version of the previous day's To-Do List. I like to refer to this as the "fantasy plan" because, even though we might initially entertain the fantasy of accomplishing everything on our list at the start of the day, a 10-year-old could easily recognize that we are harboring unrealistic expectations that we're bound to feel disappointed about by the time our day's over.

• Time Blocking: This approach employs organized scheduling, often utilizing a visual calendar or alternative methods, to guarantee dedicated time slots at specific points during the day for completing the tasks we deem significant.

• The Daily Three: In this method, we must identify and direct our attention toward the three most critical tasks or issues that need to be tackled for the day.

• Eisenhower Matrix (or Urgent-Important Matrix): This approach promotes planning and executing our daily tasks by categorizing our available options into a four-quadrant matrix based on their level of importance and urgency.

• Getting Things Done (or GTD): This method establishes a system for collecting, preserving, and periodically revisiting lists of potential future tasks and projects. Simultaneously, it encompasses distinct lists for ongoing projects or tasks, continually prompting the question, "What's the next action?" for each project or endeavor as well as handling items immediately if they'll take two minutes or less.

• Pomodoro Technique: With this method work is divided into focused intervals (typically 25 minutes), followed by short breaks. This cycle enhances concentration, productivity, and mental clarity, helping individuals complete tasks more efficiently.

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What's missing in all these approaches

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Each of these daily planning methods (except the No-Plan approach, which embraces a short-term, improvisational "method" as we fly by the seat of our pants without the benefit of a forest-level view of our day) begins with the goal of optimizing daily productivity. Even the Pomodoro Technique, with its emphasis on breaks, adopts this approach as it aims to enhance overall task accomplishment.

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None of these methods include a recognition of and focus on the primary importance of loving the processes and journeys of our day. These methods have been crafted to try to address the issue of "getting things done" (as David Allen's GTD system clearly states) as the only thing that needs to be addressed. As such, they are missing the bigger picture, especially of life itself.

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These methods primarily center on attempting to fulfill the non-process targets of our "Next" without acknowledging that the utmost priority for our "Next" is to have an enjoyable, stress-free, and comfortably productive day-long journey. Our day should ideally end with a sense of achievement, not only of having loved the processes, but also having completed not just what was planned but maybe even more.

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Please don't misunderstand me. I recognize the value each of these methods bring, and I've personally gained insights from them. However, they all are severely handicapped because none of them are crafted to fully encompass the paramount importance of prioritizing the enjoyment and sustainability of the process as the top result above all others.

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Does this sound like a pipe dream?

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Hear me out.

 

It's not if you're willing to consider the possibility of reorienting your your daily life inside the context of loving the journey and viewing your day-by-day life-planning options as choosing from a delicious buffet of opportunities. 

 

It's not if you can get a clear picture of the direction and the steps you're going to take.

 

It's not if you're willing to start from where you're at and take it step by step. If fact, it's very likely you're going to notice encouraging differences from the first day that you attempt to implement the Perfect Plan, regardless of how well you do it.

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Reframing: more valid and effective viewpoints

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Most of us go about planning and living our day within a background of beliefs and assumptions that occur to us as obvious, but aren't true. Not only are they not true, these background beliefs are disempowering, even though, on the surface, they may not seem so. Before we have a good chance of designing an effective trim tab for your life, we need to discover the lie in these background beliefs.

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"I've got to survive" (fallacious background belief #1)

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Phrases such as "got to," "have to," and "must" can hinder our capacity to consider a comprehensive evaluation of our life and what we genuinely desire and could achieve.

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These expressions divert our attention from exploring implicit or unexamined questions:

• "Got to" for the sake of achieving what specific outcome?

• "Have to" to attain what particular result?

• "Must" to obtain what?

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Furthermore, what would occur if we didn't achieve what we "must" achieve?

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Indeed, it's a fact that remaining alive is essential to partake in the game of life and its various sub-games, such as pursuing careers, starting families, or relishing novels. However, the notion that "I've got to survive" is not universally true, as exemplified by the reality of individuals who have chosen to end their own lives. They demonstrated that survival wasn't an obligatory outcome for them.

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Furthermore, this statement lacks a clear distinction of what is meant by "survive." Once our basic sustenance needs are met, everything else becomes a matter of choice. However, when we believe "I've got to survive," we mean something more akin to "I must maintain a standard of comfort and safety far surpassing that experienced by eighteenth-century kings and emperors."

 

What we call "survival" means nothing about whether we stay alive or not. It's about maintaining a level of thriving that would have been impossible or an amazing luxury at previous times in history (not so many decades ago). It's also about maintaining or exceeding a level of thriving that is at least equal to a certain group of people that we compare ourselves to (most often in the same geographical area).

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The belief "I've got to survive" is accurately expressed as "I've got to look good." 

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Certainly, it's always possible we could die (as Steve Jobs did even though he was a multi-billionaire). The belief "I've got to survive" is not about that. What it is about, "I've got to look good," is not true.

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"I've got to be comfortable" (fallacious background belief #2)

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Are your choices primarily oriented toward going for what you want or, instead, is your life mostly about moving away from what you don't want?

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Avoiding certain things is great. I avoid many things.

 

But if avoiding uncomfortableness has become the primary driver of your life, then dying is the best way to get that handled in one fell swoop. Of course, if you consider that, you'll run into the problem of wanting to avoid the pain that others may feel if you die (especially if you kill yourself). You're in a jail and you can't get out! Everywhere you look just shows you another thing you "have to avoid."

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Consider a specific scenario: You could be enthusiastic about building a relationship with a specific woman (or man), but your dominant concerns or fears revolve around potential rejection, disappointment, or waning interest. When your focus leans more toward what you wish to avoid rather than what you genuinely desire, you'll probably refrain from embarking on this journey.

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Another example: You might be preoccupied with what your parents might think if you decided not to attend college, even if your heart isn't set on it. An alternative life path might hold more appeal, but you enroll in college and push yourself to excel to maintain a positive image in the eyes of your parents and others, preventing their potential disappointment.

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Fundamentally, for those of us whose life is primarily organized around avoidance (often euphemized as "feeling peace"), the #1 thing we're avoiding is "looking bad." 

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"My life is full of things I need to do" (fallacious background belief #3)

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This belief is a close cousin to the belief, "I've got to survive." The phrase "need to" is equivalent in meaning to the phrases "got to," "have to," and "must" that we examined above. 

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When most of us use the phrase "need to," we generally do not mean that if we want to get or maintain X, then doing Y will be either definitive or supportive in X happening. 

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Consider the belief, "I need to keep my job." Yes, you can probably demonstrate that keeping your job could be instrumental in you getting and maintaining other things you want to continue as residing in your mortgaged home. And then continuing to live in your mortgaged home could be instrumental in supporting other things you want, and so on. But there could be other ways to stay in that house. Or other places to live in the city. Or other cities to live in your country. Or other countries to live in the world. 

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The word "need to" in the sense of "this is the only way" is only true within a myopic view of the options that almost everyone has in their life.

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Bottom line: if you live your life within the context of loving the journey and playing the games you love to play, then all your "needs to" will occur as your "wants to."

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If you loved your job so much you'd even pay others to let you do it, even though your job provided the means by which you paid your mortgage, the belief "I need to keep my job" would not be true in the same sense that most people would have that belief. Your belief would be more like, "My job is currently one great expression of me doing things that I love to do and playing the games I like to play."

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"Each day I have an unlimited buffet of great things to choose from" (veracious belief #1)

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Perhaps some us are addicted to living inside the beliefs, "I've got to do this, I've got to do that," so that our days are most often filled with "just handling the necessities," because even having our eyes half open to the buffet of our life options would not only overwhelm us with the sense of burden of "having to make the right choices," as well as confront us with the fear of looking bad if we considered some of our more attractive buffet options.

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The sensation and conviction that our daily decisions are confined to "necessities" are reinforced by the tendency many of us have developed. This includes not having time and financial reserves and restricting ourselves to numerous one-way paths. These factors collectively foster a narrow viewpoint, suggesting that our life offers only a limited array of choices.

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Yes, there are just 168 hours in each week and 1440 minutes in each day. This is the tapestry upon which we get to design and play out our life. Yes, for each one activity or task that we take on, there are an uncountable number of activities or tasks that we have to not choose to do in that "time slot." 

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At its core, the outcome that serves as the foundation for all other achievements is the genuine appreciation of the day-to-day, hour-to-hour, and minute-to-minute journey.

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Let's recognize and celebrate the idea that when we prioritize the process result of each day (to be enjoyable and maintainable) above any specific non-process results we accomplish, it's akin to not over filling our daily plate from the available buffet of juicy options. This approach ensures that we can relish (and often finish) everything on our plate in a healthy, effortless, and enjoyable manner.