The est training

 

I read about something called the “est training.” The first one was held in October, 1971. I learned about it through a news article in which a participant was quoted as saying that things just started clearing up in his life without “doing anything about it.”

 

It seemed pretty radical and that it might be something that was strong enough to make me feel happy and peaceful with my life. I had been seeing a counselor for over two years and even though there was progress, there was nothing like a breakthrough.

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I wanted something that worked quickly, not this slow step-by-step stuff

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So it sounded like a life transformational experience that I had been looking for, rather than just improving step by step. I signed up for it. I remember my counselor Ruth Wolfert, who had done it, not really giving me the go-ahead on it.

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Was I signing my life away?

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The application form required that, if I were in counseling or had been in counseling, I would not be allowed to take the est training unless I said that I was winning or had won regarding the counseling. I really didn’t know how I would evaluate “winning” or “not winning,” and even if I could, how could I know if it matched what they meant? Regardless, I decided not to ask further but to finish the registration by declaring that I “was winning” and pay the fee.

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Boot camp for everyone

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It was called a 6-day, 60-hour training and was spread over two consecutive weekends. I think it must have been spring or autumn, I’m not sure. Maybe there were 150-200 participants. The leader, the est trainer, was a man. I don’t remember his name. At that time, I think there were only three est trainers in the world. I’m not sure whether or not Werner Erhard, the creator of the training, was still a regular trainer at that time. There were many assistants who handled logistics, including running microphones to participants when the trainer called on them to share or talk. The trainer walked a lot across the stage and up and down the aisles, but he also sat on a high stool and drank water or tea from time to time.

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The atmosphere and requirements were on the severe side. Bathroom breaks every six hours. I prepared by drinking no water or other liquids for at least 12 hours before each day started. We could not wear a watch. The window blinds were closed in the hotel ballroom. It was impossible to tell whether it was day or night.

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Long hours

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You got out when they let you out, which was late. It started at 9:00 AM and lasted until almost midnight or later. Near the beginning of the training, the trainer told us how rough it was going to be and gave us an opportunity to leave then and get our money back. He compared the training to a roller coaster ride and said that you don’t want to leave in the “middle of the ride.”

 

They asked us to give our word that we would “keep our sole in the room,” that is the sole of our shoes. I think there was one meal break in the day, maybe two. We had strict instructions not to talk with anyone sitting beside us. All conversations were limited to one-to-one with the trainer when he called on you.

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Abusive language

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The trainer used a lot of swear words and abusive language directed in general to all participants. “Your life doesn’t work, you asshole!” The trainer kept hammering the trainees that “your life doesn’t work because you don’t keep your agreements.” He also repeated again and again, “You create your reality.” At the same time, he said, "what is, is and what ain't, ain't.” He also said, "true enlightenment is knowing you are a machine.” The end result of the training was “to get it.”

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I didn't take the swear words personally

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Everything seemed okay for me on the first day. When the trainer was screaming at us about how our life didn’t work, except for not being very happy, I thought my life was working pretty well and I was good at keeping my agreements, at least with others.

 

It was the second day that it happened. 

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I volunteered

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The trainer was introducing a process that he was going to take everyone through after it was demonstrated. It might have been called the "truth process." He asked for a volunteer to demonstrate the process. We needed to have something that was unwanted and was persisting in our life. I raised my hand and shared that I kept being afraid and reluctant to approach attractive women.

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Okay, it's now or never!

 

He selected me. At the front of the room, I sat on the high stool. Using separate microphones so everyone could hear us, he asked me to close my eyes. Then he asked me to remember and share a previous time where I felt a fear that reminded me of my fear of approaching women.

 

I shared a few incidents. He kept asking me for one more. I remembered the terror that I felt when I got stoned on grass in that house in Baltimore a few years prior. Instantly, full-blown, that terror returned, with an important added flavor: I knew that if I continued in the process, whoever I was, probably not my body, but I wasn’t even sure about that, would die.

 

I wasn't ready to die

 

I opened my eyes. He asked me to close them. I refused. He asked me again. I refused again. He asked me to “let go of the drama.” I had no idea how to do that. He asked me again. I told him I didn’t know how to do that. He told me to return to my seat.

 

He then asked for a new volunteer, a woman, to come up so that he could demonstrate the full process.

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If I stayed in the room, I knew that I would die

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As I sat in my seat, I remained fully present to the terror of my “life ending.” And it didn’t just seem like it would only be ending in this life in this body in this lifetime. It seemed like it would be ending “for all eternity.” And this was the ultimate and deepest reality that I was present to. 

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The REAL reality

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That everyday “reality” that I had “been inside of,” thinking that others were inside of also, was like Plato’s flickering shadow in the cave in comparison to this reality, then multiplied by a billion. And I knew this absolutely in a way that Dwight in that other “everyday” reality, could never know. He could "remember it," as I am doing now, but he would be like a person blind from birth trying to describe the experiences of greens, blues, reds, depth of view, and all the experiences that a sighted person takes for granted, but much deeper and more profound. 

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And even though I was fully “sighted” then, it’s as if I never was, except that intellectually and conceptually I can claim that at one time, that time in the est training (and a few others), I knew what "seeing" and “green” looked like, even though I have no experience of that now.

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So terrifying and so great together

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Even though I was terrified, at the same time I felt deeply connected with incredible empathy and understanding for others. Watching and listening to the trainer conversing with the lady who was going through the process, I saw how she was totally inside of being her pain and drama, with no self-awareness of her own victimhood.

 

I looked at the woman sitting to my right. I felt fully connected to her. Even though I found her attractive and would have previously been nervous about expressing my attraction, I could tell that barrier was now gone.

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It's do-or-die time

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The trainer was finishing up the process with the lady who had volunteered. He was giving us all instructions about how we were going to move all the chairs against the wall. Then we could lay down on the floor on our backs, close our eyes, and he would guide us all through the process.

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Breaking my promise was a no brainer

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I was aware of my promise to keep my sole in the room. That didn’t matter to me. The Dwight that made that promise, to the extent that he did, had no idea what he was getting into. And I knew that if I stayed in the room and went through the process then “I” would die. I was not ready to die. I thought to myself, “Maybe, near the end of my physical life, then I might be willing to come back to do the training again and be willing to die."

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Are the doors locked?

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The doors to the room always stayed closed unless there was a break. I didn’t know if they were locked or not. I had to try.

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When the trainer gave instructions for everyone to stand up and put the chairs around the side of the ballroom, I headed straight for the doors. Facing the back of the room, the doors were on the right. I passed right by five assistants on my left sitting at a long table. I pushed the doors and they opened.

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An assistant followed me

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An assistant, a young man, followed me, trying to get me to return to the room, reminding me of my agreement. I took the elevator down to the street I think the hotel was on 34th street.

 

He followed me out onto the street. Finally, he realized I wasn’t going to return. He asked for my name tag. By this time I was viewing him and the others as from the "other side," like zombies, trying to get my soul. But, I reasoned, they already have all my information. Giving them my name tag won’t make any difference. They know who I am and where I live.

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Creating reality

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I was walking east towards the East River. I decided to go to Jamie’s place; we’d just started a relationship a few months prior. I stopped at a “don’t walk” light at a big intersection, Maybe it was Avenue of the Americas.

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In the est training, the trainer kept saying “you create your reality.” At this point, in the middle of my terror, I was taking this literally. The pedestrian walk light was red. It seemed like it should have turned green by now. I thought, “Oh, this is bad. I am creating the reality that the light is never going to turn green and I’ll never get to Jamie’s place.”

 

Forcing the light to turn green

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I decided to walk against the red light. In the middle of the street, it turned green. I interpreted that as I was able to “force” the light to turn green by walking against the red light.

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Don't let her know that your mind is crazy

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When I reached Jamie, I believed that if I tried to tell her what was going on in my head, she would think I was completely crazy. I made up some story of why I decided to leave the training. I just kept the conversation light until it was bedtime.

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Will I be able to create Jamie in the morning?

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Now I had a new terror. Still believing that I was creating “all this reality,” I was so afraid that I would not be able to recreate Jamie the next morning in the bed beside me. I hardly slept that night, thinking that, as long as I was awake, it would be unlikely that she would disappear before my eyes.

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Witnessing

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The next day we went back to my house in Glendale, Queens. We decided to visit a nearby community park.

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As we were walking out the front door, I was “looking down on myself” from above, watching the current turmoil of myself from a peaceful place above which was really me. I even thought to myself, “This is what is called witnessing.”

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I found what I was looking for

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By the time we had reached the park I had morphed into being in a place where I watched the world with profound peace and happiness in my heart. I saw and felt that everything was pristinely beautiful. I am reminded of the young man in the movie “American Beauty” where he is filming a dead bird because it is so beautiful. 

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The trash in the park was beautiful. The crying and fighting between a few kids were beautiful. The smell of pollution from some smoky barbecue pits was beautiful. The bustling happiness and unhappiness of humanity that expressed itself in all the people around me was exquisite. I felt a love for everyone, a love unlike any I had previously felt.

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What I found, I lost...

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Over the next week or so this feeling faded. I somehow knew or suspected it would. On Tuesday I got a call from an est training assistant. He was just checking up to see if I were okay. He seemed to know about the “other world” that I had entered, although, with today’s perspective (in 2022) that could have been a complete projection on my part. 

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Refunding my money

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I had no expectation that I would get a refund. They told us we would not. But I did. About a week later a full refund came in the mail.