​Courage to set and maintain boundaries

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Are you entangled in your relationship? Choosing the courage to create, clarify, and maintain boundaries that leave us empowered is the number one factor in having great relationships. It is especially important in maintaining and enhancing our relationships once they have started.

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Beware of the "formulas of love"

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Most of us get sucked into the toxic formulas of “If you really loved me, you would…” or “If I really loved them, I would…” or “If I was a good dad/mother/husband/wife/friend, etc., I would…” or trying to prove that we love, that we are a good and/or responsible person, in an attempt to guarantee that someone will like us or stick around, rather than creating and maintaining the clear boundaries necessary for a mutually selfish and satisfying relationship between two separate people.

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Always feeling like we have a good deal

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Most of us have not clarified our minimum conditions of satisfaction that are necessary for our relationships to work. As a result, we allow that person to step over our boundaries (while we step over their boundaries) because we have not clarified them in the first place. Then, we resent that person for doing so, not realizing our own power and cause in the matter. As a result, our relationships are more often entanglements and dramas, rather than relationships that nurture, empower, and excite us.

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Good boundaries make good lovers

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Establishing clear boundaries creates the atmosphere needed for great relationships. Not establishing clear boundaries creates the miasma that slowly poisons our relationships.

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Willing to risk upset in order to maintain love

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To have the quality we want in our relationships, we have to be willing to choose the courage to potentially lose those relationships, and/or be willing to risk upsetting those whom we care about.

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If we are held hostage by our resistance to the fear of disapproval or abandonment, if we are unwilling to choose the courage, when needed, to not be a “good guy” or to not be a “caring person,” then we will never be able to create the rewarding, lasting relationships we want. Are you clear about when you need to say “yes”? Are you clear about when you need to say “no”?

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Don't let more than one straw get on that camel's back

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If you feel entangled in or victimized by your relationships in any way, then you are not clear about these questions.

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Well set boundaries are fully within your power to maintain with gentleness

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Remember, however, that although you are saying “no” firmly, you can still say “no” with gentleness, compassion, and a clear commitment to the quality of your relationship with that person, creating and maintaining compassionate boundaries. Remember the maxim: “Be soft on people, but hard on problems.”

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Ask yourself, “Am I choosing courage to say ‘yes’ when I need to?” and “Am I choosing courage to say ‘no’ when I need to?”

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"Those who profess to favor freedom and yet depreciate agitation

are men who want rain without thunder and lightning."

—Frederick Douglass (1818-1895, abolitionist, orator, writer, reformer, diplomat, statesman)

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"We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us

if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity."

—Barbara DeAngelis (expert on relationships and love, author)