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Can't you see his nose?!

Introducing your own You-chio

As the story Pinocchio goes, every time he lied his nose got longer.

 

We've got a liar inside our head. Just like Pinocchio, she or he doesn't lie all the time. 

Let's call that sometime liar You-chio. If You-chio lied all the time about everything, you would have learned not to believe a thing he or she said. But You-chio tells the truth, at least true enough, about most things. Also, sometimes when You-chio lies, it can make you fell better than if he or she had told the truth.

Hook You-chio up to a lie detector

Since You-chio often tells the truth and you need to heed truth when you know it, then how can you know, or at least suspect, when You-chio might be lying?

The clue to detecting immediately most of You-chio's lies is if you feel suffering. It's almost a truism. Suffering = lying. If you're suffering, then you've been hoodwinked by one or more of You-chio's lies. You just need to uncover how that is so.

Let's look at three examples

You're 45 now. You've worked hard to create a future you wanted. But it hasn't turned out as you expected. You should have been further along by now. You feel frustrated, disappointed, and let down. You're suffering.

What lies did You-chio tell you that you believed and are still believing that causes you to suffer?

The lies that You-chio told you and you believed were...

  1. There was little or no risk in you not reaching your goals by age 45 if you worked hard.

  2. You could not really be happy without reaching your goals.

  3. It would be worth sacrificing the journey for what you would achieve.

  4. Something would be wrong if you didn't reach your goals.

The lies that You-chio is telling you now and you're believing are...

  1. You should have reached your goals.

  2. There is something wrong with you or others or the universe that you haven't reached your goals.

  3. You can't be happy now because you haven't reached your goals.

Here's a second example where You-chio makes you feel better instead of worse

Sometimes believing You-chio will make you feel better in the moment, but often comes back to bite you later.

You've just learned that you're being seriously considered for a much wanted raise and promotion that you've worked hard for. You-chio is whispering in your ear, "Let's go out and celebrate! Let's call our real estate agent to see if that new house we were looking at is still on the market! Now we can book those tickets for that holiday we were thinking about!" As you listen to You-chio, you're eating it up. You're counting your chickens before they hatch. You're basking in your new future.

Maybe that raise and promotion will come through and maybe not. By buying into You-chio's over-confidence (she or he doesn't even know that the confidence is a lie), you're ignoring your hard-earned life experience that you cannot assume that you'll get that promotion. It's still a "maybe yes" and a "maybe no." You get to feel good now. But, if you don't get it, then you'll suffer from the disappointment and upset of being let down, and maybe also suffer from other foolish things you did (like put some earnest money on that house)...because you let You-chio's fantasy become your own.

The third example is when You-chio lies to protect you from future upset

This lie will discourage you now, but help protect you from possible pain in the future. People who often believe these types of lies are considered by others to be pessimistic or negative, but they see themselves as realistic.

"OMG, that person looks good! It would be amazing if I could be with them! But they're probably already in a relationship. And why would they want to be with me anyway? I don't think I have a chance."

Here the lie is on the negative side, creating discouragement and resignation. And you buy into it in order to avoid the fear of risk, disappointment, and rejection if you took a chance on the possibility of having a friendship and maybe even a romantic relationship with them.

You want to believe You-chio lies

As W.C. Fields said, "You can't cheat an honest man."

You get short-term benefits for buying into those lies, but at what costs? The costs are huge, both for you and for those you care about or could care about. 

Distinguish yourself from You-chio

What You-chio says, whether true or false or somewhere in between, is automatic. Step back. Observe and listen to what You-chio says. Is his or he nose getting longer or shorter? Is that thought or belief he or she just whispered in your ear true or false? Or what part is true?

No fault relationship

Don't blame You-chio. She or he has good intentions. Don't just listen and believe, as if You-chio is infallible and can't make mistakes and does not lie. Stand in the place of skepticism and curiosity. Listen and question. True or not? Maybe yes? Maybe no?

See Undoing shoulds.

Explore Undoing expectations.

Check out Undoing frustration.

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