top of page

The damages caused by Others dominating Oneself

Identifying the costs incurred by Others domination

The recurring costs of the conflicts between Oneself and Others ravages the quality of our life and the lives of others whom we affect. When Others dominates at the expense of Oneself, then, especially since we see Others as the good guy (who can do no wrong), we are less likely to notice the costs, especially the costs to other people.

Others domination costs are often more than Oneself indulgences

Because Others is seen as the good guy by ourselves and other people, the person with an apparently dominant Others will often be able to rise to power in a way that can cause more damage to other people than a person with an indulgent Oneself could ever cause (because other people would never support them in rising to power).

Whenever there is a conflict, the damages caused cannot necessarily be attributed just to one side. Each side, in some way, contributes because they are choosing to participate in the conflict, rather than looking for a way for both to win. However, when Others dominates consistently in one or more areas of our lives, then we will notice several of the following, ordered roughly from extreme to mild:

Costs incurred by Others domination

  • War and genocide (people who lead and fight wars almost always do so in the name of duty, honor, obligation, loyalty, a sense of belonging, as well as helping and protecting others)

  • Communism, socialism, collectivism, and welfarism (that we should be forced to be our brother’s keeper)

  • Trade barriers (we should protect the businesses and employees of our country against the businesses and employees of other countries)

  • Immigration barriers (we should protect our citizens from competition from people who can provide cheaper or better products or services)

  • Racism (racists feel they are protecting others of their race against the bad influences or genes of another race)

  • Nationalism (protecting the people of our country against the people of other countries)

  • Religious separatists (feel they are protecting others from bad beliefs and bad actions of non-believers)

  • Nepotism (supporting others in their family through business or political power)

  • Cynicism

  • Just doing my job (as we are expected to do)

  • Got a family to feed; we can’t quit the boring job

  • Staying in an unfulfilling or abusive marriage because the other person needs you

  • Staying in an unhappy marriage because others will think you're bad, a loser, and even shun you (more common in Asia)

  • Not listening to your heart and taking care of yourself because it will make your parents anger or sad that you're disobeying them (more common in Asia)

  • Blaming others when they act or speak selfishly

  • Blaming others when they don’t follow the rules or their behavior seems unfair

  • Blaming others when they don’t fulfill their obligations to duty and loyalty

  • Not thinking for oneself and agreeing with others

  • Belief in evil and thinking/treating some others as bad and wrong

  • Perfectionism (to get others’ approval and avoid their blame)

  • Self-sacrifice (to get other’s approval and avoid their blame, to belong)

  • Defensiveness (when we believe we should say "yes" to others and we haven’t created good boundaries with others, it’s easy to feel defensive)

  • Loneliness (showing only our “good, giving side,” we will make ourselves feel lonely, thinking like nobody really know us)

  • Keeping up with the Jones (wanting to look good, we will push beyond what makes us truly happy to either keep up with the Jones or surpass them)

  • Resentment and anger towards others (because, being a “good guy,” we haven’t taken care of ourselves with others by creating the necessary boundaries)

  • Withdrawal from others (again, being a “good guy,” we haven’t taken care of ourselves with others by creating the necessary boundaries and the only thing we know to do is withdraw)

  • Inauthenticity and the tiredness of wearing a mask (we can’t show ourselves fully because that would involve acknowledging our “bad, selfish guy” and we might not look good)

  • Comparing ourselves negatively to others (because it’s so important that we look good to others and we want to beat others to the punch by self-criticism)

  • Guilt (because we imagine that we are not meeting the standards of others or of society, so we beat them to the punch by beating ourselves up first; it can also give us a sense of belonging)

  • Indecisiveness (because we’re concerned that others will blame us if we make the wrong choice)

  • Boredom (because we are tolerating others in order to be seen as a “good guy” or the person who fits in)

  • Feeling hurt or betrayed (because the other person is not meeting our expectations of being a “good guy” and being fair)

  • Not loving our job or career (because we don’t want to avoid others disapproving of us should we take the risks and actions to find a job that we love)

  • Eating poorly (because we don’t want others to think we’re strange and unsocial with our “different diet”)

  • Smoking and drinking (because we want to be one of the guys)

  • Being suppressed, serious, and significant (because we want to belong and don’t want others to think we’re strange, weird, silly, or “too different")

  • Not speaking up in groups (because we don’t want to be seen as going against the consensus or bucking the boss or asking a stupid question)

  • Not making requests (to make requests is selfish and, if they say “no,” then they will think badly of us for bothering them)

  • Not saying “no” (to say “no” is selfish and it could damage relationships)

  • Not keeping good boundaries (they will think we don’t care about them and they will be angry with us; we will blame ourselves for "hurting them")

  • Lying (because we want to make sure we look good to others and so they won’t get upset with us)

Others domination costs us dearly in our ability to take care of ourselves, as well as diminishing our ability to have great relationships with others

Given how we see the world and others, our Others is just trying to take care of what he or she sees and feels to be necessary to have good relationships with others, to take care of others, to look good to others, and to feel like we belong. However, with Others fighting and refusing to consider what Oneself wants and needs, the results are, over time, that we are progressively less able to take care of ourselves (which also diminishes our ability to take care of others and have good relationships with them).

bottom of page