Difficult
Hard
Struggle
Tough
These words are toxic because they imply that something "out in the world" is hard, difficult, a struggle, or tough. In fact, it is only our way of approaching something that can make it occur as hard.
Is divorce hard?
Consider the assertion “Divorce is hard.” Most people would agree with this.
"Shouldn't" will make it hard
Yes, it will be hard if you think you shouldn’t get a divorce (and you should be persistent in staying married), because something will be wrong with you or something will be wrong with your spouse if you get a divorce. “Should not” or “shouldn’t have to” is fighting with reality.
Resisted fear will make it hard
You might reply, “But I am scared it might not turn out the way I want for the children,” or “I’m scared I won’t get a good property settlement,” or “Other people will think badly of me.”
Yes, there may be risks. Nevertheless, if you make friends with those fears and worries (use undoing fear), then moving ahead will not be a problem and that will not occur as hard.
Resisted fear of regret will make it hard
Yes, if you are resisting your fear of regret, it will feel hard. But remember any possible regret can go both ways. I know many more people who regret that they did not get divorced earlier than I do people who regret they got divorced. Therefore, in using undoing fear, speak both, "Holy cats and jeepers creepers, I am so scared I will regret not getting divorced!" as well as, "Holy cats and jeepers creepers, I am so scared I will regret getting divorced!"
Step by step will make it easy
You might say, “There is so much to do to get a divorce...it’s overwhelming.”
Yes, there can be a lot to do. Regardless, if you break it into steps small enough, then each of those steps will not be hard. Therefore, there is nothing in the whole process that is hard.
“I don’t know what I need to do to get a divorce.”
Okay. But you can break that into steps to find how what you need to know and do to get a divorce. Step by step. Nothing hard about that.
Acceptance will make it easy
“But, even given my best efforts, I might not be able to get a successful divorce.”
That may be possible. Yet, if you accept that as one possible outcome, then nothing is hard.
My spouse will make it hard
“My spouse might make it very difficult to get a divorce.”
Yes, your spouse could take actions which result in you not getting the divorce as quickly as you would like with the terms and costs that you would prefer. If you make friends with your fear of that and accept those possibilities as parts of the “game of getting a divorce,” then nothing will occur as hard.
Our ego wants it to be hard
Our identity is attached to "things being hard." We think of ourselves as being great or worthy because we "toughed our way through it."
I have a friend who had to return to a company job that was hard for her because she felt guilty accepting money for providing a service to others that was too fun and easy for her.
All "hardness" comes from a lack of Now-Next integrity (NNI)
When something seems hard, it means that Now and Next are not aligned. Check out the NNI toolkit for ways to create and maintain integrity between Now and Next.
Only you can make it hard
Nothing is hard “in the world.” The “hardness” only occurs in how you see it or your approach to it.
Non-toxic use of the words “hard” or “difficult”
“That’s hard to do.” (meaning that the risk of not being able to get the result is large)
“That’s hard to do.” (meaning that it may take a lot of time to finish it or may cost more than desired or anticipated)
