Give him three things to get everything
Just three things
If you make your man feel three things, he will want to do almost anything for you.
Of course, these are interconnected and reinforce each other.
Men are not women
I know you women like to feel these also. But they are not usually at the top of your list as they are for men. You like to feel safe, cherished, and adored. Well, you can get these and more. The way to get them is through giving him these three simple things he needs from you, while still taking care of yourself.
When is the last time you said something like this to your man?
"When you put your arms around me, I feel so safe."
"How did you know that!? That's amazing!"
"OMG, how do you know my body so well!"
"See that man over there. He's a bit handsome, don't you think? Maybe if I weren't with you, I'd be with him."
Power needs challenge
It's easy to see how the first three expressions would likely make your man feel powerful. But the last expression might scare him or make him angry, right? Yes, maybe, to the extent that he lacks self-confidence.
If you make your man feel too safe, not only is he likely to think you're less special, but he'll also not be able to feel his own power in his relationship with you. Power needs to be challenged to be felt, challenged, but not too much. "How much, but not too much" is something that has to be customized for your man and your relationship with him. Why are most men so into sports or video games? Yes, they can win, and then there's always the next level or the new challenge.
Why were things so great at the beginning, but not later?
Without a periodic renewed sense of challenge or risk, your man cannot feel the sense of his own power in his relationship with you.
I've had the following conversation with scores of women who've complained that their boyfriend or husband was not treating them very special.
Me: "At the start of your relationship he was chasing you, right?"
Me: "Everything was exciting. He did everything he knew to make you feel special, right?"
Me: "He thought he had a chance, but he wasn't sure. 'Maybe,' he kept thinking. You weren't sure either, right?"
Me: "But then you said, 'I'm yours.' When you said that, you ended the game. Before that, even though you gave him encouragement along the way, he always had more to go for, he always felt some risk. But when you said 'yes, I'm yours,' you ended it all.
"You thought that's what he wanted. Yes, he may have told you that. He may have believed that himself. But what he always wants more than that was a way to continue to feel that sense of excitement, risk, and power that he felt and feels when going for that amazing 'goal' of you."
Her: "You're right."
You ended the game, most likely out of your own desire for feeling safe
Me: "But you ended the game. He can't feel that challenge or risk with you after that. Somehow you don't seem so special as you did before.
"He puts his focus elsewhere. It could be his work, going out with the boys, games, TV, whatever is more interesting than you."
Her: "Yes, he's always telling me he's busy with this or that. It wasn't that way before."
Yes, it's possible to have a good companionship relationship with a man without that spark you once had. But even with just companionship, a relationship will be supported by you making him feel powerful, respected, and admired.
To create and keep the spark going
But if you want to keep that spark alive, or even re-ignite it, learn to keep your man, and even yourself, a bit on the edge. It's an art form.
My client's husband had no time for her
She'd been married for over 20 years. She complained that her husband was burning the candle at both ends with his work and had little time to spend with her. She told him that she needed more quality time with him but he kept insisting that there was no way to cut back on the demands of his job.
I suggested she say this to him in a light, non-blaming way.
"Honey, I'm excited about the idea of having a loving, intimate, romantic relationship with a great man. Today, you're the #1 candidate. Are you interested?"
He took the next day off from work to be with her.
The paradox of safety
In your desire for your relationship to feel safe, you can put too much "safety" into your relationship. That "safety," however, even if it manages to help you to tough it out indefinitely, makes that relationship unsafe by killing off the sense of risk and challenge, especially for your man, that's needed to keep your engagement with him vital and exciting. The right type of and appropriate amount of risk, especially as experienced by your man, is essential to keeping your engagement with him juicy and alive.
Byron Katie's husband is unsafe
I especially liked the wedding vow Byron Katie made to her husband Stephen Mitchell,
"I promise to love you as long as I do."
Men are a different species
Even though men can enjoy hearing the words, "I love you," don't say it as often to him as you would like him to say it to you. More importantly, although it doesn't feel quite right to say "I respect you" or even "I admire you for...," look for ways he can know and feel your respect and admiration.
Just the way you look at him can make all the difference
One act of showing disrespect can wipe out five acts of showing respect
"Why can't you remember to...?!"
"You should stop smoking."
"Why did you do that?!"
You can find ways to express what you want or what you're feeling respectfully and without blame. And, although there's never a guarantee, those ways are more likely to get you what you want than expressing yourself in ways that show disrespect to your man.
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