Q&A April, 2021
Why am I so anxious？
Jane: Why am I so anxious？Even though I know study, work hard and I'll get what I want. But I still feel anxious. That is toxic for my concentration. Sad.
Jane (April 25th, 2021) [student living in China]
Dwight: Have you used the "Maya... " process when you feel anxious? ("Maya..." in Chinese is the same as "Holy cats..." in English)
Jane: No. Cause I want to know the deep reason, not just blow it off.
Dwight: Do you mean to know the benefits of being anxious? Or do you mean to know what there may be that is a danger? Two different types of reasons.
Jane: Thank you, I think I know the answer now. Life is not easy.
Dwight: So you believe that life is not easy...Is that right?
Dwight: Could it be that what makes your life not seem easy is because of the "shoulds" and "should nots" that you believe?
Jane: No, that's not bother me. No one can tell me what should I do.
Dwight: But don't you tell yourself what you should and should not do?
Jane: What is really bother me is to make choice. Yes. Because that decides my different futures.
Dwight: Perhaps because you believe you should make "the best choice" or the "right choice"?
Jane: Best choice. Like to choose my career.
Dwight: You believe you "should" make the best choice.
Dwight: But "should" is always denying reality. It is not believing in the reality of how things are or how they will be. You are fighting with reality by believing this "should."
Dwight: You can make a choice. Maybe later you will think it was a good choice. Maybe later you will change your choice to a different direction. You don't have the power to make sure your choice will be "right." You're living in a fantasy world about that. And that makes your life hard. Fighting with this reality.
Dwight: And that is resistance to fear. And we're back to the "Maya..." process. Understanding is great. Action is the greatest. Do the Maya, the fear will go down. Do the four steps of choosing courage and you will feel great about yourself regardless of the results. This is the way to a great life. This is the way to an easy life. Life is not hard. It is your resistance to the way that life is that makes it hard. Your thoughts?
Jane: Wow, that is really useful for my situation. Your logic is brilliant. I'll check the four steps about courage.
Dwight: Jane, you inspire me with your willingness to ask questions and look deeply.
Jane: You inspire me more. You really helped me out of my miserable thoughts.
Dwight: This is the most important link in all of AskDwightHow to read, understand, and use:
Jane: Thank you very much. Even though life is not easy, but I can make it easier, more like a game that I can play, not just suffer from it.
Dwight: Okay. It is step by step, easier and easier. Then it becomes almost never not easy. And it may take a while. Step by step.
Is "forgive" always a toxic word?
Anne: I just watched your video on "forgive." I am wondering how it relates to a situation where someone has wronged you and you have a grudge against that person. You get to a point where you are able to forgive that person for what they did. To me that is a case where to forgive is not a toxic word. What do you have to say about this?
Anne (April 1st, 2021) [teacher living in the USA]
Dwight: Whether a word is "toxic" depends on how it's used, not just the meaning of the word. The word “forgive” can be toxic if you think it is something you “should do.” Also, if you think “forgiveness” means you neglect to take care of yourself by not setting new boundaries that may be needed because of the new information you have about their possible behavior, then it will be a toxic word.
And I still agree with Byron Katie’s idea that “forgiveness” is realizing there was nothing to forgive all along. Usually we think we have been wronged, but in fact we were the one who “wronged” ourselves by creating an expectation (especially one not based in the risk of reality) that the other person ended up not fulfilling on. So we feel betrayed. But we actually betrayed ourselves by cashing in on the short-term benefits of creating that expectation. If we had chosen to enter the “relationship” or transaction while fully accepting the risk of them doing whatever, then if they do whatever, there is nothing to forgive.
What do you think?
Anne: Well said!