Is your silence killing your friendship or love?

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How can you tell a friend that his showing up late for your get-togethers feels disrespectful to you? How do you tell a spouse that you’re feeling less and less safe with him and withdrawing from the relationship as a result? How can you tell someone you spend time with that his breath is unpleasant to you? How does a woman tell the man whom she really cares about that five-minute lovemaking sessions are not enough for her?

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Silence is not always golden

 

Very often we keep our mouths shut, thinking that we’ll damage our relationship if we speak up. But the truth is that, in most cases, we will damage the relationship, perhaps beyond repair, if we don’t speak up.

 

The truth is that your resignation, resentment, or withdrawal will build up. You’ll often blame the other person for not being more sensitive, for not being fair, for not reading your mind, for not caring about you.

 

Often your righteousness will reach a point where it explodes and your partner’s response confirms your belief about him and validates your making him wrong in the first place.

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Choose courage, but also do it well

 

When you do speak up, what you say and how you say it is very important. (You might first want to get some coaching on this.) Nevertheless, no matter how carefully chosen your words are, you will still be choosing courage to speak up.

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Always honor yourself for choosing courage, regardless of the result

 

Honor yourself for that courage. You will be choosing courage as an expression of the caring and commitment you have for that person and your relationship with him. Think before you speak. But speak.

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Thinking before you speak (two tools)

 

Review the partnership conversation. This is a gentle, respectful, powerful approach to resolving any issue between two people.

 

Check out the RAFTS distinction that I created. It can be invaluable in contextualizing what you're about to say before you say it.
 

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"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive

is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others."

—Sharon Anthony Bower (American author)