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Undoing betrayal

Are you unbetrayable?

The best way to "undo betrayal" is to set it up so that you are not betrayed to start with. But, before we get to how to do that, let's look at what you do unknowingly to set yourself up for betrayal.

Did you ever feel that someone betrayed your trust?

If you're like most people, the answer is "yes."

But how would it be possible for someone to betray your trust since whatever trust you put in them is the trust you have decided to have? You're the one who chose or designed that trust, not them. Let me explain my question.

 

Did the weather betray you?

Let's imagine that you thought it would be sunny tomorrow. But, then tomorrow comes and it's overcast with drizzling rain. Would you feel betrayed by the weather when that happened? Not likely, right? You might think, "Maybe I need to adjust how much I'm willing to risk with my own predictions about the weather." It would be a possible learning opportunity.

 

Did your spouse betray you?


In contrast, let's imagine that you and your spouse made promises to each other, starting when you were first dating, that you would both have sex only with each other, otherwise known as "being loyal." Then, five years into your marriage, you discover that your spouse is having an affair. Would you feel betrayed by him or her? Most of us would.

But why would you not feel betrayed by the weather when it didn't align with your prediction, whereas you would with your spouse?

 

Creating a fantasy land to live inside of


Sure, the "weather" didn't promise you that it would be sunny the next day, whereas your spouse did promise you they would be loyal to you. Promises are nice. Maybe they can help increase the chances that what the promiser promised will happen. But you and I know enough about human beings to realize that promises are not guarantees, even if the promiser fully intended to keep their promise at the time that they made it, right?

 

There's always risk...

Do you factor in the risks and take full responsibility for taking whatever risks you take?


Based upon another person's track record with you, you will have some idea of what you may or may not be able to predict and to what level of confidence you can have in your prediction. The level of confidence you may have could vary even for a specific person, depending on the life area in question or an update in their track record. Regardless, you can never have 100% confidence, even for a person who has a perfect track record with you so far in a given area. To not take into account the risks we are always taking with others when they make promises or agreements with us is blinding ourselves.

To live in the fantasy world where we can be confident of what other humans will do under various circumstances stands in sharp contrast with how we will reasonably maintain a level of uncertainty about how other aspects of reality will turn out, like the weather or if we'll get a lucky hand in poker.

You betray yourself

You set yourself up to be a possible victim


In other words, you set yourself up for possible "betrayal" by blinding yourself to the risks that you are incurring by "trusting" someone. They didn't betray you. You betrayed yourself.

 

What would it be like if you were unbetrayable?


I am unbetrayable. It doesn't mean that I can't be surprised or sometimes shocked by someone's behavior. It doesn't mean that I don't strongly prefer and go for something turning out one way over another. But I always take those risks into account that it may not turn out the way intended when I enter into a relationship with another, whether it be with a taxi driver and that they will choose the best route to the destination or with my assistant and that she will not embezzle money from me.


Consequently, if someone does something that others would have felt betrayed by, I don't feel betrayed. I accepted the possibility of risk from the beginning, given the limitations of what I thought I knew.

It doesn't mean that I won't change my future behavior or my relationship with that person. I may set some different boundaries based upon updated information of the ongoing risks I may be taking with them. It doesn't mean I won't learn and possibly adjust my future behavior based upon a new assessment of the risks. 

But I don't blame them. And I don't blame myself. As a result, I have better relationships with people than others often do. And I even find that people are generally more "trustworthy" with me than with most others.

 

But how to be unbetrayable?

Feeling betrayed results from a specific type of expectation not being met

 

We use the expressions "feeling betrayed" or "being betrayed" to indicate a sub-class of something or someone not meeting our expectations and consequently stimulating us to be upset. Feeling betrayed is one specific way that we will feel when a certain type of expectation is not fulfilled. 

Betrayal can occur for us when one of our more important expectations is not met.

 

I define the word "expectation" in a rigorous way to distinguish it clearly from a want, an intention, a commitment, or a prediction. 

I quote from my definition of expectation in the Glossary

"If I expect something to happen or not happen and then if my expectation is not met, I will automatically think something is wrong with me, or something is wrong with another or others, or something is wrong with God/the universe. Expectation is blame waiting to happen. Expectation is setting yourself up to be a possible victim. 'I expected that we would never get divorced. But, after what that bastard did, I couldn’t live with him any longer!'

Expectation is distinct from a want, an intention, a prediction, or a commitment. You could create any one of these four without also creating an expectation. If you wanted something or you created an intention, a prediction, or a commitment without, at the same time, attaching an expectation, then the lack of fulfillment of any of those would not cause an upset...."

 

Becoming unbetrayable = undoing (a certain type of) expectation

 

Since expectations are the source of all upsets, not just the upsets of feeling betrayed, Undoing expectations is your go-to tool for preventing the possibility of feeling betrayed. Or, if you're already feeling betrayed, you can dissolve it using this tool.
 

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