Dwight: I want to explain a unique problem-solving method I'm calling "All Cards Face Up," which can be very effective for helping two people resolve relationship issues.

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Aiko: That sounds intriguing, Dwight. I'd love to hear how the "All Cards Face Up" method works!

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Dwight: This time, I need your help to demonstrate how the method works by doing a mock conversation. You’ll play my girlfriend in a new relationship, and the issue is that I’m feeling uncertain and nervous about where things might go, while you seem much more clear about what you want. For example, the other day after we spent a few nice hours together, I had to leave for something else I wanted to do, and you seemed disappointed. Do you understand, Aiko? Can you play this role with me so I can lead the way in showing how "All Cards Face Up" works?

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Aiko: Yes, I understand exactly, and I’m ready to play that role with you, Dwight—just lead the way and I’ll follow your cues.

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Dwight: Aiko, I feel really fortunate to have met you and enjoyed the time we’ve shared so far. At the same time, I sense we might have different ideas about how we each want the relationship to develop, at least at this point. I know a unique way we could try to work through this potential issue—would it be okay if I shared it with you?

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Aiko: Of course, I’d really like that. I’ve felt something meaningful growing between us, so I’m open to anything that could help us understand each other better.

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Dwight: To explain how the method works, it helps to first describe how most couples typically try to resolve issues—even when they have a good partnership attitude. Using myself as an example, I might guess, based on limited information, how I think you want our relationship to unfold and what you’d want me to do. I’d also try to guess how you'd react if I told you what I might want. Based on those guesses, I’d probably hold back and filter what I say, which keeps me from fully knowing, even for myself, or sharing with you what I truly want. And you’d likely be doing the same—holding back parts of yourself based on assumptions about me. Does that make sense?

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Aiko: Yes, that makes perfect sense. I can feel how that kind of second-guessing could get in the way of real connection and honesty between two people.

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Dwight: Exactly. Here’s how the "All Cards Face Up" method starts, beginning with you. It involves a courageous choice. Create a fantasy where anything you want from me or in your relationship with me—no matter how unreasonable, selfish, or unfair it might seem to you or possibly even to me—would be something, that if you told me what it was, I’d not only want to give you but would also be fully able to give it to you. In creating this fantasy, let go of any concern about being unfair, unkind, or selfishness. Then, within that fantasy, share with me in as much detail as possible exactly what you would want (and would not want) in our relationship. Do you understand what I’m asking you to do?

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Aiko: I think I do, Dwight. You’re inviting me to open up completely without censoring myself or worrying about your reaction, right?

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Dwight: Right. Please go ahead and do that now.

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Aiko: Okay... in this fantasy, what I really want is for you to feel excited to build a future with me, to want to spend most of your free time together, and to prioritize our relationship even when other opportunities come up. I would want you to be eager to commit to me emotionally and see me as your partner in life, someone you naturally think of first when making plans or decisions.

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Dwight: I’m starting to get an idea of what you want, but could you be more specific with examples? What exactly counts as my “free time,” and how much of it would feel like enough if we’re spending half of it together? Also, when you say you want me to prioritize our relationship over other opportunities, what kind of opportunities or emergencies are we talking about? Also, when you say you want me to think of you first when making plans or decisions, where’s the line between when you want to be included or not—obviously not for small things like arranging my bed covers, right?

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Aiko: That’s fair. So, by “free time,” I mean time when you’re not working, sleeping, or handling essential responsibilities. If you had, say, ten hours a week that were truly yours, I’d love for us to spend five or six of those together. As for prioritizing us, I don’t mean in a crisis or urgent work issue, but more like if a casual invite or solo activity comes up, I’d want you to think, “Would I rather be with her?” And in terms of decisions, I mean things that affect your schedule, your emotional bandwidth, or our time together—like trips, big commitments, or how you organize your weekends.

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Dwight: That helps clarify things a bit. But take the free time example—if I decided to volunteer as a private tutor, would that no longer count as free time once I’d committed, or would you still feel I’d taken time away from us? It would be clearer if you said something like, “I’d be happy with a minimum of five hours a week with you.” That kind of clarity helps me understand better, though I don’t want to stop you from fully expressing your fantasy. Can you help me out?

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Aiko: I appreciate that, and yes—I’d say if you haven’t yet committed to something like tutoring, then in my fantasy, I’d want you to check in with me first to see if we could use that time together. And yes, a clear number helps: I’d feel really fulfilled if we had at least five solid hours a week that were just for us, not distracted or squeezed in—time where you’re really present with me.

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Dwight: Okay... so now we’re talking about two issues. First is how much time we spend together, and I think I’m clear about that. But it sounds like if I wanted to volunteer for tutoring, even just three hours a week, you would expect me to get your alignment on it first. Is that right?

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Aiko: Yes, Dwight, in this fantasy, that’s right—I’d want you to check in with me first to make sure it wouldn’t take away from the special time we’re building together.

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Dwight: But if I agree to a five-hour-per-week minimum with you and I honor that, then it seems like getting your alignment on whether I volunteer for tutoring would only be necessary to make sure I can still meet that commitment. Does that make sense?

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Aiko: That makes perfect sense—if you’re keeping the five-hour promise, then in this fantasy, I’d feel secure enough that you wouldn’t need to check in about every new activity.

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Dwight: Okay, Aiko, let’s step outside the mock. I think if we continued with the full mock, I would need to get more clarification to fully understand your complete fantasy.

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Aiko: I agree, Dwight. We’ve laid a great foundation, but it feels like we’d need a deeper dive to really complete the picture. 

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Dwight: Of course, if this weren’t a mock, we would need to continue. But for now, I’m just trying to give others a clear enough idea of how the full process works. The next step, after you’ve fully expressed your fantasy and I’ve understood it, would be for us to reverse roles—where I would indulge in a fantasy that you would want exactly and fully whatever I want, regardless of how "selfish" I was.

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Aiko: That makes perfect sense, Dwight. It’s like giving both people the same fearless space to fully lay their cards on the table before working toward real understanding.

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Dwight: Then, once both of us have chosen courage to fully share our fantasies and they’ve been mutually understood, with a partnership attitude and all our cards face up on the table, we’d explore how we could each get much more of what we want in our relationship than we probably could have if we’d used the old default way most people get stuck in.

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Aiko: That’s a beautiful and powerful vision, Dwight—it feels like it would open up a whole new level of honesty, creativity, and mutual satisfaction in a relationship.