Celebrating my brother's divorce

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When my brother Ray informed our mother Dorothy that he was going to get a divorce (from his first wife) and that he was happy about getting that divorce, the two of them went out to dinner to celebrate.

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Why do we celebrate marriages?

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We celebrate getting divorced from a single life and getting married because we have become excited about the possibilities of having a better life together within a somewhat standardized legalized partnership which most often includes sexual intimacy. It's an important life change and we naturally want others to celebrate these beginnings with us.

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Why could celebrating divorces also be a great idea?

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Although the idea of "unconditional and forever love" in the context of a marriage relationship is something that many of us are still blindly addicted to, it is a myth. 

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Indulging in the fantasy of forever love (and stability)

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Moreover, we change. Our partner changes. Our partner discovers things about us they didn't know before. And we also may learn some unwanted information about our spouse. If we move in with our spouse, if we mix up our money, if we have children together, all of this changes us. We learn how partner triggers us and we trigger our spouse in ways that we weren't that aware of before.

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On top of that, hedonic adaption kicks in for both of us, lessening our appreciation of each other.

 

When we're feeling so in love with someone else, we foolishly assume that there's a guarantee that the feeling of love and our desire to continue to live inside the structures and understandings of marriage with this person will last.

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Going into a marriage with the idea that you won't have a divorce or that it could be a good idea to get a divorce at sometime in the future, is like opening a new restaurant believing with a high level of certainty that your restaurant will succeed indefinitely, when most others don't.

 

A perfect storm of cognitive biases conspire to make us think that our marriage is going to be a one-way street: optimism bias, affect heuristic, confirmation bias, egocentric bias, illusion of control, the planning fallacy, the availability heuristic, and the halo affect.

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Paul McCartney: Yesterday

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"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they're here to stay,

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,

There's a shadow hanging over me.

Oh yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go?

I don't know she wouldn't say.

I said something wrong,

Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh I believe in yesterday."

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The purpose of life is to be happy (for you and your spouse)

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Yes, get married. If you get married, with open eyes and with a partnership attitude with your spouse to do your best, in the face of the risk of marriage, to endeavor to maintain and even increase the benefits of being married to this person, then you've got a good chance of being happy for a year, maybe five years, and, if you get more than that, you'll be winning the jackpot freshly every year.

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You can always be happy with your marriage if you get out (if indicated) when the getting out is good

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Imagine you've reached a point where either of you start to feel that your happiness and fulfillment in life would be better served by creating a new beginning either by marrying another person or becoming single. Then, given what you know about yourself and you know about your spouse, knowing and accepting the limitations of what you can do and that you may not be successful at it, would you be eager and willing to take on the fresh new endeavor of re-creating a great marriage with this person and be okay with that, whichever way it turned out: to stay happily married or get happily divorced? 

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See Marriage: when to stay and when to leave.

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Our idea of what marriage "should be" continues to blind us

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Most of us easily accept the life heuristic variously expressed as...

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• cutting your losses

• stopping while you're ahead

• pulling out before the bubble bursts

• nipping it in the bud

• getting out while the going is good

• quitting on a high note

• exiting the stage before the final act

• avoiding sinking with the ship

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...in areas of our life like a job, a career, or an financial investment.

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When it comes to marriage, however, many of us, even when the evidence keeps telling us it's time to get out, we act more like someone addicted to horse race betting than someone who can add 2 + 2, always thinking we should give it just one more try.​ See Giving up.

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I remember one Chinese friend who told me how, when she was only seven years old, she begged her mother to divorce her father, but her mother adamantly continued in an unhappy and abusive marriage.

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You're only beginning to fail at your marriage when you're not getting out when it's time to get out

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Most marriages don't end well either because we stay unhappily married or because we delayed the divorce so long that the costs we have incurred far outweigh all the benefits we got.

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It doesn't need to be this way. 

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Happily in, happily when, happily out...

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As long as you accept and embrace the idea that marriage should only last as long as it can continue to serve the happiness of each party (as each one decides) and that everyone's #1 job is to take care of themselves as a priority over taking care of others, then it's possible to be assured that you'll never be unhappily married.

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The best marriages are the risky ones

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In our desire for predictability and safety (and looking good to others), we make promises to ourselves and to others, trying to lock ourselves in, that, if done in any other context, would be considered foolhardy. Moreover, we overvalue the feeling of safety, neglecting to notice the value of remaining present to the risk of our relationships. 

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The #1 marriage killer (regardless of whether or not someone stays legally married) is taking the other person for granted. If each spouse took on the following belief toward their partner, "If at any time, if my partner develops an persistent feeling and belief that they would be better off without me, then I would want them to honor their #1 job of taking care of themselves by leaving me. I will be consistently vigilant to do what I can to never get near to feeling or thinking that way, to keep our love alive and blossoming. I assume 100% responsibility for creating and maintaining this intention."

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To the extent that one or both spouses take on this attitude gives the best chance to have a great marriage, no matter how long it lasts or doesn't last. See Love is risky.

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Kenny Rogers: The Gambler

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"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"

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Celebrate marriage!  Celebrate divorce!

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