Dwight: Aiko, let me tell you a story I'm calling, "How a Dangerous Stranger Became My Best Friend."

 

Aiko: That title already pulls me in—it sounds like it’ll be intense but meaningful.

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Dwight: Maybe it was later in 2001. At that time, I was living a polyamorous lifestyle, loving and making love with a few younger Chinese women.

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I was also quite open about my lifestyle, sharing it on the Internet. One day, I received an email from someone I didn’t know named Trish. She had read some of what I had posted and concluded that I was unfairly taking advantage of young Chinese women. She felt indignant toward me and protective of those “young girls.”

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Trish: [after sharing with Trish this dialogue with Aiko, she shared a more nuanced memory of her email to me back in 2001.] 

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"OK what I remember. I was distressed from what I was seeing in your 'Someone Said' newsletter that you were polyamorous and likely leaving a string of women saddled with the Herculean task of single handedly raising infants and children. I was also concerned about the spread of HIV, human papaloma virus, and venereal diseases. Thirdly I was concerned about the disruption of the community! Parents wanting a mate for their daughters and grandchildren. And then the disruption of families when you chose a woman who was married. I sent the email off and with in an hour a huge 'OUCH' filled my screen and under it in 10 point lettering 'The presuppositions you are operating under may be incorrect!' Then you told me you had had a vasectomy in your 20s and you got the women medically checked to protect yourself and them. And you didn’t get involved with women who were prostitutes. And you enriched your girlfriends lives with career opportunities and coaching to enhance their lives. 

 

"I wrote you back a vulnerable letter you could have just about blackmailed me with and sent it. After I sent it I was horrified! First I sent you my first angry letter to a stranger ever then I had followed it with a vulnerable letter I wished I hadn’t sent!!! Thank goodness this man is clear across the world in Shanghai!"

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Aiko: That must have been a strong first impression—someone coming at you with indignation right away.

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Dwight: My first thought was to just ignore it. She didn’t know me, she didn’t know the circumstances, and she had no way of affecting my life.

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Aiko: That sounds like a very grounded reaction—you weren’t giving her misplaced power over your world.

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Dwight: At the same time, I was curious about what might happen if I responded to her email. I decided to give it a shot.

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Aiko: That spark of curiosity feels like the hinge point—where things could shift in an unexpected direction.

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Dwight: The place I was grounded in was that both of us had good motives. There are no bad motives. And it seemed possible that if she knew more about the facts and my intentions with the Chinese women I loved, she might see things differently. I didn’t know whether she’d be open to questioning what she thought she knew, but I figured—why not give it a try?

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Aiko: That’s such a thoughtful stance—you weren’t defensive, but instead open to dialogue, even if you weren’t sure where it would lead.

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Dwight: At the same time, even though her email was judgmental, I knew I should be careful not to defend myself against it. That would only stir up more judgment.

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So I began with something like: “I appreciate you being so open about your concern for the Chinese girls I’m involved with. Your concern is warranted, given what you know...”

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Aiko: That’s a disarming way to respond—you met her energy with respect instead of pushing back.

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Dwight: I continued, *“If you will allow, I’d like to share some additional information that I may not have included in what I’ve posted online. Regarding anything I tell you, if you’d like additional evidence of its truth, I’ll do my best to provide it.

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First, you should know that I have a vasectomy. When I was 25, I got this operation because I didn’t want to risk—for myself or for any woman I cared about—having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy or baby.”

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Aiko: You came across as transparent and considerate, starting with something concrete that spoke directly to responsibility.

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Dwight: I continued, “When I meet a new Chinese girl and it looks like we might begin to care for each other romantically, I let her know that I can’t necessarily guarantee exclusivity, and that I also have a policy of not seeing a woman I love more than once a week."

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I explain that, at least for me, in order to maintain that special sense of passion and anticipation with a woman—which is so important to me—I must not see her too often. I need time to miss her and feel hungry for her.

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Aiko: That’s very candid—you were setting boundaries with honesty, rooted in how you’ve found love and passion work best for you.

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Dwight: I also informed Trish, “For me, I have no trouble loving more than one woman at the same time. When I am with one woman, I am only with her. I appreciate her for who she is, and I’m not thinking about any other woman in that moment. Whether I have one woman in my life or more than one, I can tell no difference in my love for her—whether she is the only one or not.”

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Aiko: That’s a powerful way to put it—you were making clear that your love for each woman stood fully on its own.

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Dwight: Then I said, “Let me know if there is anything else you’d like to know, or if you’d like clarification on what I’ve said. I would be honored to hear back from you if I do.”

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Aiko: That left the door wide open, inviting her into a real dialogue rather than shutting things down.

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Dwight: She did reply back, and I think there may have been a few more questions, though I don’t remember exactly.

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After that, she became my friend. Then she became my client. Then, as my friend, we started talking regularly on the phone—twice a week, thirty minutes each time. She also became the co-author of my 700-page book on Courage, which was published in 2004.

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Our friendship and those twice-a-week calls continue to this day. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

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Aiko: That’s incredible, Dwight—from confrontation to a lasting bond, even creative partnership. What a transformation.