Editor's note on the title: As you'll soon discover in the dialogue below with Aiko, all of us already know "how to crap in our drinking water." We often do that by default. What the following dialogue is about is how to not do that.

 

Apologies to those who may that find my scatological analogy offensive. But the analogy is so right-on and to-the-point, it would be cowardly to try to go with something more euphemistic.

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Dwight: Aiko, I want to explore and expand upon an idea that many of us are in the habit "crapping in our drinking water," without a lot of awareness that we're doing that. Of course, the first part of this dialogue with you will be to explain concretely what those habits are. Please try to limit your responses to two to three sentences for each of my entries, okay?

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Aiko: Got it! I'm ready to explore this idea with you and keep my responses concise. Where would you like to start?

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Dwight: The habit I am talking about is the habit of defensiveness, our knee jerk reaction to react back when we feel slighted, criticized, disrespected, or blamed.

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Aiko: Defensiveness often acts as a barrier to understanding and growth, as it shifts focus from resolving issues to protecting one's ego. This habit can lead to escalating conflicts and missed opportunities for learning, creating a cycle of negativity.

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Dwight: Exactly. What typically happens when someone else's behavior is viewed this way is either 1) we attack or defend back, 2) we try to hold it in, often with resentment or resignation, or 3) we withdraw.

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Aiko: Each of these responses tends to reinforce the negative cycle, either by escalating the conflict, suppressing emotions that can fester over time, or creating distance and disconnection. These reactions rarely lead to resolution and often perpetuate the habit of "crapping in the lake that we drink from."

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Dwight: You got it. I'll focus first on the response of openly "defending oneself." We feel like they just crapped on us and, in response, we crap on them, which often starts a cycle that ends up with both sides covered in crap.

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Aiko: Openly defending oneself in this way often turns the situation into a tit-for-tat exchange, where both parties feel increasingly justified in their actions. This escalation not only damages relationships but also creates an environment where constructive communication becomes nearly impossible, leaving everyone worse off.

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Dwight: I can and do argue elsewhere that when it seems as if someone has said something that we think needs defending, that is rarely, if ever, true. Even if we assumed there was "something to defend," almost always reacting back in kind is the equivalent to throwing gasoline on a fire to try to put it out.

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Aiko: Reacting defensively usually amplifies the problem, making it much harder to reach a peaceful or productive resolution. Instead of addressing the underlying issue, it often exacerbates the conflict, leading to more harm and misunderstanding on both sides.

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Dwight: I acknowledge and appreciate there may be some very short-term sense of release as well as a temporary analgesic for the pain or fear we might be feeling when we "crap on them."

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Aiko: That momentary relief can feel satisfying, but it's often fleeting and comes at the cost of long-term harm to the relationship and personal well-being. The temporary ease rarely justifies the damage done, as it typically leads to deeper wounds and unresolved issues.

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Dwight: I now want to talk about the idea of "crapping in water we drink from."

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Aiko: The phrase "crapping in the water we drink from" vividly illustrates how our defensive reactions not only harm others but also pollute our own emotional and relational environment. By contributing to a cycle of negativity, we end up poisoning the very spaces we rely on for connection, support, and well-being.

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Dwight: When we crap back at the people in our life, whether it be with an acquaintance, a colleague, a vendor, a friend, a lover, or a family member, we've just "crapped into the lake the we drink from." All these people, individually, and as our "community," are what we "drink from" for our sense of belonging, contributing, being contributed to, and connection. Whenever we crap on any member of our community, unless we're able to clean it up right way, we've just increased the toxicity of the environment in which we live out each hour and day of our life.

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Aiko: Crapping on others in our community directly diminishes the quality of the relationships and the environment we rely on for emotional nourishment and support. Each negative interaction leaves a residue that can accumulate, leading to a more toxic and strained atmosphere. Over time, this can erode trust, connection, and the sense of belonging that are essential for a fulfilling life.

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Dwight: Whenever I see or hear about two people throwing crap back and forth at each other, I see two children, each throwing a temper tantrum, each one sure that they are right and the other one is wrong. If either of them would listen, I would ask each one in turn, "Are you willing to be the adult here, or not? If you are, it only takes one to end this. That is the only choice available to you. Whether the other person is willing to be an adult is not your business."

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Aiko: Framing the situation this way highlights the power of taking responsibility for one's actions and choosing maturity over impulsive reactions. By stepping up as the "adult," one person can break the cycle of negativity, demonstrating that it takes only one to shift the dynamic toward resolution. This approach empowers individuals to focus on their own behavior, regardless of how the other person responds.

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Dwight: It's what I call being willing to be 100% responsible for the quality of every relationship in your life. This is not about blame. If you're blaming yourself that also means you're not taking 100% responsibility. One hundred percent also doesn't mean that you don't necessarily know what to do in order to make things better in some circumstances, at least not right away...but it does mean not indulging in the short-term benefits of crapping back that are almost always guaranteed to make things worse.

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Aiko: Taking 100% responsibility for the quality of your relationships shifts the focus from blame—whether directed at yourself or others—to constructive action and long-term well-being. It’s about recognizing that, while you may not always have immediate solutions, choosing not to engage in destructive behaviors is a critical first step. This mindset fosters healthier relationships by prioritizing growth and resolution over short-term gratification.

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Dwight: Also, there is a powerful tool that you can use, if the other person is willing, that quite often will shift the relationship and the circumstance toward a happy resolution. I call it the Partnership Conversation.

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Aiko: The Partnership Conversation is a tool designed to foster collaboration and mutual understanding, creating a space where both parties can work together toward a positive resolution. By inviting the other person into a dialogue focused on partnership rather than conflict, it encourages a shift from adversarial positions to cooperative problem-solving. This approach can be transformative in healing and strengthening relationships.

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Dwight: Aiko, please read the uploaded attachment and then describe the process of the Partnership Conversation as outlined in this document, using several paragraphs in your description so that the reader will have a clear sense of its power and how to do it.

 

Aiko: The Partnership Conversation is a powerful process designed to transform conflicts and misunderstandings into opportunities for mutual understanding and collaboration. It provides a structured approach to address issues in relationships by focusing on shared self-interests, creating an environment where both parties can express themselves openly and work together towards a solution that benefits both.

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Setting the Context and Attitude:

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The first step in initiating a Partnership Conversation is to set the right context and attitude. This involves letting go of blame and defensiveness, approaching the conversation with the mindset that the issue is not "your problem" or "my problem," but "our problem." The goal is to work as partners to find a solution that makes both parties happy. Before engaging in the conversation, it's essential to prepare yourself mentally, ensuring that you are ready to listen and collaborate rather than react defensively.

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Initiating the Conversation:

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To start the conversation, you might use an opening like, "I have a problem that I'm not sure how to solve. Can I share it with you?" This sets a non-confrontational tone and invites the other person to engage in finding a solution together. As you discuss the issue, it's crucial to acknowledge any areas where you've been defensive or dismissive in the past, and to express a genuine desire to understand the other person's perspective. This helps to build trust and opens the door for a more constructive dialogue.

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Listening and Understanding:

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One of the core principles of the Partnership Conversation is prioritizing listening over speaking. Fully understanding the other person's perspective is key to finding a resolution. This involves paraphrasing their words to ensure clarity and showing that you are genuinely listening. After the other person feels heard, you can then share your concerns and perspective, asking them to listen and understand your side as well.

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Maintaining a Non-Blame Approach:

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Throughout the conversation, it's important to avoid blame or defensiveness, which can derail the process. Instead, focus on expressing how things "occur" to you rather than stating facts that might be perceived as accusations. For example, saying, "When you said this, it occurred as hurtful to me," is less likely to provoke defensiveness than "What you said hurt me." This careful use of language helps to keep the conversation productive and respectful.

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Flexibility and Creativity in Problem-Solving:

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The Partnership Conversation is a dynamic process that may require patience, creativity, and a willingness to explore various options. The goal is to find a solution that aligns with the self-interests of both parties, considering both short-term and long-term impacts. It's also important to stay focused on the bigger picture and remain open to adjusting positions as new insights emerge during the conversation.

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Conclusion and Follow-Up:

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After discussing the issue, if a resolution isn't immediately apparent, it's okay to take a break and revisit the conversation later. This ensures that both parties remain engaged and don't feel pressured into an unsatisfactory agreement. The Partnership Conversation emphasizes the importance of maintaining boundaries and taking care of oneself, even if it means walking away from a situation that cannot be resolved amicably.

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The Partnership Conversation is a courageous choice that fosters deeper understanding and stronger relationships. By approaching conflicts with a collaborative mindset and focusing on mutual self-interest, it transforms potential confrontations into opportunities for growth and connection.

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Dwight: Good job, Aiko. I'd like to now address a valid claim that someone might raise, which I agree with. We need to express ourselves. Regardless of whether our automatic defensive reactions to a perceived attack are valid, it's important not to bottle those feelings up.

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Aiko: It's true that bottling up emotions can lead to resentment and internal stress, which is why it's important to express ourselves. However, the key lies in how we express those feelings. Instead of reacting defensively or aggressively, which often worsens the situation, we can focus on communicating our feelings in a constructive way that fosters understanding and resolution. This approach allows us to release our emotions without damaging the relationships that are important to us.

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Dwight: To continue with my scatological analogy, with a bit of modification. When we need to take a crap, we don't do it in public. Even if we're alone in our home, we don't do it on our living room floor. We go to the toilet. We can take our time and, in private, so that we're not soiling our environment, we get the crap out.

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Aiko: Using the metaphor of going to the toilet, you're highlighting the importance of finding an appropriate and private way to express and process our emotions, rather than letting them spill out in ways that can harm our relationships and environment. Just as we take care to manage our physical waste, we should be mindful of how we handle emotional "crap"—processing it in a way that doesn't contaminate the spaces and relationships we rely on for well-being.

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Dwight: Exactly. We humans have recognized the importance of creating easy to use, effective ways to get the crap out whenever we need to without messing up our environment. For the most part, the idea of the need and method for this when dealing with emotional "crap" has yet become common knowledge and practice in the cultures of the world. Perhaps in our unconscious knowing that we need a way to get the crap out, many of have tolerated the idea, both in themselves and in others of crapping on others as the only way to do this.

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Aiko: You're right—our societies have developed sophisticated systems for handling physical waste, but when it comes to emotional "crap," we often lack the tools and awareness to process it effectively. Many people resort to crapping on others as a misguided way to release their emotions, not realizing that there are healthier ways to express and manage those feelings. By recognizing the need for appropriate outlets and methods, we can prevent the toxic effects of emotional outbursts on our relationships and environments.

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Dwight: One of the reasons that children below the age of 5 or 6 are, in general, the happiest people in the world, is that they regularly make use of crap-dispensing method that is natural and automatic for them. Whenever they become aware of even a small amount of crap, they immediately use this method and the crap is gone. But, as you'll learn shortly, this method is soon forgotten about because of their compulsion to occur to others as "not children any more."

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Aiko: Young children often experience happiness because they instinctively and immediately release their emotional "crap" without holding onto it. This natural method of emotional release allows them to stay clear of the negative buildup that adults often accumulate. However, as children grow older, they start to suppress this natural process in an effort to be seen as more mature, leading them to lose this simple, effective way of staying emotionally clean and happy.

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Dwight: Below the ages of 5 or 6, if a child feels angry, they express it immediately with nothing held back. After that, they're not angry any more. When they feel fear, they express it immediately with nothing held back. After than, they're nor frightened any more. When they feel hurt, they express it immediately, usually through crying. After that, they don't feel hurt any more. They are back to being happy again.

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Aiko: Children under the age of 5 or 6 naturally express their emotions fully and immediately, which allows them to quickly release negative feelings and return to a state of happiness. When they feel anger, fear, or hurt, they express it without hesitation, and once it's out, they move on. This instinctive process is key to their overall sense of well-being and happiness, but as they grow older, societal pressures to appear more mature often lead them to suppress these natural expressions.

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Dwight: We adults are not going to return to the development state of a child where we're able and it's appropriate to express everything out without consideration for how it will affect others and how we occur for others. Nonetheless, we can easily make use of other consciously chosen methods to serve the same function that the natural expressions of children use to ensure that the crap never builds up inside of us. One of the most generalized and powerful techniques is a process I have dubbed "Enchanting."

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Aiko: Adults may not express emotions as freely as children due to social considerations, but we can adopt deliberate methods to prevent emotional buildup. One such method is "Enchanting," a process you've developed to help release emotional "crap" in a conscious and healthy way. This technique serves a similar function to the natural expressions of children, helping adults maintain emotional clarity and well-being without negatively impacting others. If you'd like to explore how this process works or its specific steps, I'm here to help.

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Dwight: Aiko, please read the uploaded attachment and then describe the Enchanting process as outlined in this document, using several paragraphs in your description so that the reader will have a clear sense of its power and how to do it.

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Aiko: The Enchanting process, as described in the document, is a technique designed to dissolve negative feelings and unwanted moods by allowing spontaneous, non-verbal sounds to emerge in a way that mimics the natural emotional expressions of young children. This method, which can be used privately and combined with other activities like walking or driving, provides a release from emotional tension and stress, helping individuals reconnect with their innate joy and aliveness.

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How It Works:

 

Enchanting involves focusing on the deep mood or feelings of the moment and allowing these emotions to resonate through spontaneous, nonsensical sounds or chanting. The key is to let the feelings guide the sounds, which should be extemporaneous and free-flowing, without any attempt to "do it right." This process is meant to be easy and effortless, though it may initially feel a bit silly or embarrassing.

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Where and How to Enchant:

 

Enchanting is typically done in private spaces where one can fully express themselves without concern for others' reactions. Many find their car to be an ideal place, as it allows for uninhibited expression. The process should continue for as long as needed—often an hour or more—until there's a noticeable change in mood or feeling.

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Benefits of Enchanting:

 

At a minimum, Enchanting provides an immediate release of tension, acting as a generic de-repressor. It dissolves resistance to oneself and to life, allowing underlying joy and aliveness to bubble up. The more one practices Enchanting, the more they awaken to their true vitality and creativity, shedding the layers of emotional "calcification" that have built up over time.

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Why It Works:

 

The technique is inspired by the natural behavior of young children, who express their emotions freely and without censorship. Unlike adults, who often suppress their feelings due to social conditioning, children use non-verbal sounds to fully express what they are feeling in the moment. Enchanting replicates this process, offering a way for adults to reconnect with their natural, unfiltered emotional expressions.

In summary, Enchanting is a powerful tool that allows individuals to process and release negative emotions in a healthy and private manner, leading to a greater sense of joy, energy, and overall well-being.

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Dwight: Good encapsulation, Aiko. Earlier I noted that there are typically three ways that we typically react to a perceived slight, criticism, disrespect, or blame: 1) we attack or defend back, 2) we try to hold it in, often with resentment or resignation, or 3) we withdraw. In our discussion above I was responding as if our tendency had been to attack or defend back. However, holding something in and "being nice" or withdrawing are also dysfunctional and come at a big cost.

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Aiko: You're absolutely right. While attacking or defending back is often the most visible reaction, holding in our feelings or withdrawing can be just as damaging, albeit in different ways.

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Holding It In:

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When we suppress our emotions and "be nice," we're often bottling up resentment, which can lead to internal stress, bitterness, and even physical health issues over time. This unexpressed tension can create a toxic undercurrent in relationships, where unresolved feelings linger and can surface unexpectedly, causing greater harm down the line.

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Withdrawing:

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On the other hand, withdrawing may seem like a way to avoid conflict, but it often leads to feelings of isolation, disconnection, and unresolved issues. By pulling away, we miss the opportunity to address the underlying problem, which can create a barrier to intimacy and trust in relationships. This avoidance can also reinforce the idea that our feelings don't matter or that conflict is something to be feared, both of which can hinder personal and relational growth.

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Both of these responses, like attacking or defending, prevent genuine resolution and can contribute to a build-up of emotional "crap" that affects our well-being and the quality of our relationships. Finding healthier ways to express and process these emotions, such as through methods like Enchanting or engaging in a Partnership Conversation, can help prevent these negative patterns from taking root.

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Dwight: Making use of the tools and approaches (specifically the Partnership Conversation and Enchanting, as well as others) will also be applicable regardless of our own particular way of dysfunctionally trying to deal with any behavior from another that stimulates our defense.

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Aiko: Indeed, the tools like the Partnership Conversation and Enchanting are versatile and can be effectively applied regardless of whether our habitual response is to attack, hold it in, or withdraw.

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The Partnership Conversation offers a way to address the issue collaboratively, no matter how we initially react. By framing the problem as a shared issue rather than something to defend against, it helps shift the dynamic from conflict to cooperation, allowing both parties to express their feelings and work toward a resolution without falling into defensive patterns.

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Enchanting provides a personal method for processing emotions that can be used whether we've lashed out, suppressed our feelings, or withdrawn. It allows us to release the pent-up emotional energy in a healthy and private way, preventing it from festering or erupting later on. By regularly practicing Enchanting, we can maintain emotional clarity and prevent the buildup of negative emotions, making it easier to engage constructively with others.

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Both of these tools, along with other approaches you might use, help create a foundation for healthier interactions and emotional well-being, regardless of how we initially respond to challenging situations. They encourage us to break the cycle of dysfunctional reactions and move toward more constructive and fulfilling ways of relating to others.

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Dwight: A final suggestion. Learn to notice the tendency to react defensively and then catch yourself with the question, "Do I really want to crap in my drinking water?"