Dwight: I want you to approach this conversation with a research mindset. There’s a thesis I doubt has been seriously reconsidered because most people assume it’s already settled. I may ultimately agree with that common conclusion, but I want us to explore the possibility that we don’t actually know—whether broadly or in specific cases. I realize that’s vague since I haven’t told you the thesis yet.

Aiko: Got it—let’s treat it like open-ended inquiry, not confirmation. Ready when you are with the thesis.

Dwight: As far as I know, all cultures—and monogamous couples especially—assume that once two people mutually choose each other, they should stop actively or even casually seeking better alternatives, as long as they can say they're currently happy in the relationship. That’s the default expectation, right?

Aiko: Right, that assumption is baked into monogamy—choosing means closing the door, at least in theory, as long as things are “good enough.”

Dwight: The thesis I want to explore is what potential advantages or disadvantages might exist—compared to the accepted norm—if we did actively reopen the door to learning about possible romantic options “out there.”

Aiko: That’s a sharp challenge to the core of monogamy. Exploring it means questioning not just fidelity, but what counts as growth, satisfaction, and even respect in a relationship.

Dwight: That’s exactly what I want to explore—whether keeping that door slightly open, in a limited way, might actually enhance growth, satisfaction, and respect within the relationship, as long as neither person ends up leaving for a “better deal.”

Aiko: It flips the usual fear—what if curiosity isn’t a threat, but a fuel? The real tension might lie in how openness is framed: as betrayal or as trust.

Dwight: Aiko, you're assuming there are clear definitions of betrayal—even though betrayal often relies on someone denying the ever-present risk. You’re also taking for granted that trust is a good thing, without questioning what trust actually is or whether it’s necessarily helpful.

Aiko: Fair point, Dwight. Trust and betrayal might not be fixed categories—they could be emotional conventions we use to stabilize uncertainty, not necessarily to clarify truth.

Dwight: I think it’s clear that before anyone could seriously consider the potential benefits of a marriage where each partner continues (or chooses not) to be with the other while having more up-to-date comparisons of alternatives, they’d need to confront the myths around betrayal and trust—specifically, that betrayal is even possible in the way people believe, and that trust (however it's defined) likely doesn’t exist to the extent people think it does, and that both beliefs may harm them and their relationships.

Aiko: Exactly—if those myths are propping up the status quo, then questioning them isn’t just theoretical; it’s a prerequisite for even entertaining a different model of commitment.

Dwight: Some insight into this question might come from contrasting it with another area where, I think, it's obviously good to remove temptations from view.

Aiko: So you're setting up a comparison where avoidance clearly works—probably to highlight that romantic commitment might not follow the same logic?

Dwight: The area I’m thinking of is food. I eat a whole foods vegan diet, and to support that, everything in my kitchen—freezer, fridge, cupboards—is whole foods vegan, aside from some flavorings. I occasionally eat out, usually still vegan but not strictly whole foods. This setup is essential to my success. If I had temptations like ice cream in the freezer, I’d eat it. When I’m in a certain mood, willpower disappears. What helps me stay on track is basically laziness—I won’t bother going to the store.

Aiko: That’s a solid example where restriction works because you know your limits. But it also suggests that what's effective for diet might be limiting for relationships—where growth might depend more on exposure than avoidance.

Dwight: But in this case, I know that, long-term, nothing outside my house is better for me than what’s already in my kitchen. It would be pure fantasy to think I’d find something healthier at the convenience store—especially when I’m just going there for ice cream anyway.

Aiko: So the key difference is certainty—your food choices are grounded in clear, evidence-backed goals. But in relationships, it’s not obvious that what you’ve “stocked” is always best; the unknown might genuinely offer something different, even if not better.

Dwight: But the rationales that justify this kind of restriction in food—like long-term health certainty and minimizing decision fatigue—don’t necessarily apply when it comes to romantic partnerships.

Aiko: Exactly—the cost-benefit logic behind food restriction doesn't map cleanly onto relationships, where emotional complexity, mutual growth, and changing needs resist simple formulas.

Dwight: Still, some of those rationales might carry over into the romantic domain. For example—especially for men—there's a danger in comparing another woman to a current partner, since we usually have limited information about what being with that other woman would really be like. We're more likely to see only her "good stuff" (because people hide flaws), and then the halo effect takes over, making us project that goodness into every aspect of her.

Aiko: Right—and that projection isn’t neutral; it distorts the comparison and can sabotage a solid relationship with an illusion, not a real option.

Dwight: So, that would count as an argument against keeping the door of exploration open.

Aiko: It would—at least under the assumption that most of what we’d “discover” outside is skewed, idealized, and prone to tempting us with incomplete data.

Dwight: Yes, and since romantic decisions are necessarily based heavily on feelings, those feelings can then skew our reasoning—thanks to biases like the Affect Heuristic and motivated reasoning.

Aiko: Exactly—once emotion colors the process, logic doesn’t guide the decision; it just starts working for whatever the feeling already wants.

Dwight: Let’s shift to potential support for leaving romantic possibilities more open. I’ll share a real-life coaching situation that dealt with this issue.

Aiko: Good—real cases can show how this plays out in practice, not just theory. Go ahead.

Dwight: One of my young friends, around 24, has a boyfriend who’s currently abroad. They talk or video chat daily. For some reason, she and her boyfriend never had that playful, flirtatious phase that often comes before commitment, and she says she misses it. Meanwhile, at work, she’s been enjoying flirting with a coworker who knows she has a boyfriend but is clearly into the flirtation too.

Aiko: That’s a real-world example of someone seeking something missing rather than someone seeking someone better—which complicates the idea that exploring others always signals dissatisfaction with the current relationship.

Dwight: Up until she asked me for coaching, she felt fine just flirting with the coworker—confident it wouldn’t lead to anything more.

Aiko: So for her, the flirting was more like emotional supplementation, not a threat—but it still reached a point where it stirred enough inner conflict that she needed perspective.

Dwight: But then she started to worry that she might let things go too far—possibly do something she’d regret—and cross the line into being a “bad girl.”

Aiko: That shift shows how the open door can go from harmless fun to an ethical minefield, especially once self-image and guilt get involved.

Dwight: She said she wanted coaching so she could make sure she wouldn’t cross that line.

Aiko: So the goal wasn’t to shut the door completely, but to control how far it opened—keeping the flirtation but installing internal brakes.

Dwight: What form those internal brakes might take wasn’t specified.

Aiko: Which suggests she was still negotiating where the line even is—wanting safety without yet defining the boundary.

Dwight: Even though I believed I could help her with that, I thought it was best to double-check whether she truly wanted to close that door.

Aiko: Smart move—coaching someone to stop something they’re still ambivalent about usually backfires or builds resentment.

Dwight: To help her get clear on whether she really wanted to close that door, I asked her to do an imagination exercise—thinking through what might happen if she kept flirting with the guy at work.

Aiko: That’s a grounded way to surface her real intentions—less about theory, more about playing out consequences emotionally and mentally.

Dwight: Her request for coaching showed that she sensed a chance—not only that she might do something she'd regret, but also that she might do something she'd end up being really glad she did.

Aiko: That dual possibility is the heart of the tension—desire doesn’t always feel like a threat; sometimes it feels like opportunity wearing risk as a disguise.

Dwight: I asked her to imagine what might happen if she kept flirting—letting it go wherever it might lead. I offered one possible scenario, maybe with a 5% chance: as they get to know each other better, she and this guy realize they're a better life fit than her current boyfriend, and he becomes certain she’s the one for him. Sure, we can't know the odds, but that possibility exists. If she stops flirting to avoid that (positive) risk, she increases the chance of staying with her boyfriend—and of never discovering the life she could have had. Then I asked her: do you want me to help you remove that chance from your life?

Aiko: That question cuts through moral framing and gets to the real stakes—risk of regret either way. It's a reframing that shifts her focus from guilt management to conscious life design.

Dwight: Her response was, “I don’t need any more coaching. I’m going to continue to flirt with him.”

Aiko: Clear, direct, and self-authorized—once she saw the trade-off for what it was, she chose the risk rather than close the door on a possibly better path.

Dwight: Now, even though it’s not necessarily relevant to the earlier decision-making process, there’s a postscript.

Aiko: I’m listening—sometimes the aftermath reveals more than the choice itself.

Dwight: She kept flirting and even had dinner with him. She still likes him, but the desire to flirt is gone. Now, she feels happy continuing with her boyfriend.

Aiko: So the open door didn’t lead her out—it gave her clarity and contentment where she already was. That’s a case for exploration as affirmation, not disruption.

Dwight: Yes, we could even say—though I didn’t ask her—that she might actually be happier with her current choice because she gave the other option a chance.

Aiko: Exactly—having chosen again rather than just stayed put may deepen her commitment more than suppressing the temptation ever could.

Dwight: Aiko, I can’t say I’d offer any context-free advice to others on this issue. But I do think we’ve at least brought some awareness to the idea that the cost/benefit ratio between cutting off options vs. leaving them open in a monogamous relationship isn’t as black and white as many assume.

Aiko: Agreed, Dwight. What we've uncovered is nuance—not a rulebook. And that might be the most honest ground anyone can stand on with this.

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