Righteousness (when you think that something or someone is good or bad or right or wrong) kills
connection with others
The Bible's got it backwards. One of the Ten Commandments says, "Honor Thy Parents."
It should be "Honor Thy Children."
If parents show respect and honor to their children, almost invariably the children will show respect and honor back to their parents.
In contrast, if parents don't show respect and honor to their children, it will be very difficult for the children to follow the dictum, "Honor Thy Parents."
Other people scare us, right? "What are they thinking of me?" "Trump scares me." "Democrats scare me." "Terrorist scare me." "My husband makes me feel unsafe." "My children scare me." "My parents scare me." "I'm afraid to open my mouth with my wife."
Well, others are scared of you, too.
What if you got curious about whether or not you scare others (or make them feel nervous)? What if you got curious about how you occur for others that stimulates them to feel unsafe?
Most importantly, what if you got curious about how your behavior or way of being contributed to those around you not feeling completely safe with you?
I've read several articles that opine about how it's expensive to eat healthfully. Not true.
In fact, a very nutritious, yet inexpensive eating program can be created out of a variety of healthy beans (especially lentils), greens, nuts, and fruits.
It may be true that poorer people are less knowledgeable about how to eat healthfully...but that has little to do with its affordability. In contrast, many rich people are dying of the "rich man's" diet.
Personal note: my assistant, Heidi Yang, who grew up rather poor in China, ate a much healthier diet when she was a child than she does now that she can afford more expensive foods.
Many think that paying attention to "transactions" in relationships is crass. I agree that this can be true if we don't allow for a broad definition of "transaction."
Our everyday idea of transaction is a financial/service/product trade. We accept the simple idea that a transaction only occurs when both sides think they will be better off in the trade (selfishnesses dovetail).
But transactions can span longer periods of time and include many factors together. My friend Paul and I talk weekly on the telephone. This is a transaction. I enjoy talking with him. He enjoys talking with me. It's a selfish win-win. If either of us no longer enjoyed talking with the other, we would no longer transact this way.
When a couple get married, each has decided that each one would be better off in the new context and understanding of marriage than they would be otherwise. As long as that continues to be the case, then it's a selfish win-win transaction (with a lot of smaller transactions that occur inside it over time).
These win-win transactions create great relationships with others.
However, we often engage in another type of transaction, which is either lose-win or, sometimes, even lose-lose.
If you don't see yourself as a winner in agreeing to help someone out who's in a bind and you're only doing it out of a sense of guilt or obligation, then you've just entered into a lose-win transaction. You "traded" with that person: "Don't make me feel guilty and I'll help you out." Lose-win transactions create bad relationships.
Or consider a married couple who are both unhappy in the marriage but they are unwilling to face the fear associated with getting divorced. This is a lose-lose transaction. The transaction is, "I will get to feel safer (at least in the short-term) in exchange for staying unhappily married."
All relationships are transactional, and are either win-win, lose-win, or lose-lose. Do what you need to only transact the first way.
For many years, even though I was generally accepting of others, I still blamed them if they blamed me.
Now, I am happy to say, I no longer do that. Of course, I prefer if others don't blame me.
But, if they do, my response is curiosity. Maybe I did something that stimulated their blame. If so, I am curious to find out about that. Of, if not, I am curious, if possible, to find out how that other person is trying to take care of themselves by blaming me. I know that, if they blame, that is their business, not mine. It means nothing about me.
Welcome to the world of freedom!
As a gentle gadfly, I have learned to enjoy the process of never accepting a "maybe." I always turn a "maybe" into a "yes" or "no."
Here's how I do it.
If someone needs to get more information or think about the decision, I request that we set a follow-through session to discuss their choice. I work with them to help them make the best decision for themselves (either "yes" or "no"). I kept scheduling another session until their "maybe" turns into a "yes" or "no."
If they cancel or don't keep their follow-through session, I send them a message asking to re-schedule their follow-through session.
Using text (preferably) or email, every few days, I send another message until I get a reply. I am never impatient or disrespectful since I am enjoying the adventure and mystery of how it will turn out.
If I get no response after about ten messages, my next message will say, "Would you like me to give up on following through on this?"
If they reply and say "no," then I ask to re-schedule our follow-through session; otherwise, if their reply is "yes," I thank them for letting me know (their "maybe" has now turned into a "no").
If they don't respond to this last message, I send them a final message, saying, "I'm going to give up. I am going to assume that you've decided "no" on the choice we were looking at. I wish you the best. If you'd like to follow-through on this, I'd love to hear from you. It's in your court now. Always, Dwight"
I feel happy and complete.
Do you need more money to have the lifestyle you want?
What does it mean to have "the lifestyle you want"?
It means looking forward to each day and enjoy the processes and the journey of each day, right?!
If you're waiting to have more money so that you can have the lifestyle you want, you're indulging in the age-old habit of putting the future (my-next) ahead of enjoying now (my-now). Your habit just perpetuates the problem. The solution is to learn the new habit of prioritizing the enjoyment of the process first, with getting results as second.
Then, regardless of whether you make more money, you'll already have the lifestyle you want.
The work-life balance turns out to be a problem that handles itself when you create My-now/My-next integrity. To find out how to create that integrity, go to
What is the biggest mistake that both parents and educators have made about learning? In their desperation to make sure their kids are "well educated," both parents and educators have used extrinsic motivators (giving approval and disapproval, as well as telling kids to "think about their future") to try to make sure the kids "learn what they should learn."
In their desperation, however, parents and educators have become blind to the fact that these extrinsic motivators kill off the intrinsic motivators of curiosity and the simple joys of learning.
For many students, school (and even learning) has become something that "I have to do" so that I can be successful in my "real life," which starts later.