Are you guilt waiting to happen?

 

I often notice that a client, without awareness, regularly uses the word “should.”

​

“I should be able to do it in less time.”

“She should have called me first.”

“The company should have a better policy.”

“My husband shouldn’t be having an affair.”

​

 

Sometimes we're saying we want or hope for something

​

Sometimes we use the word “should” as a substitute for the word “want.”

 

“I want to do it in less time.”

“I wanted her to call me first.”

“I want the company to have a better policy.”

“I don’t want my husband to have an affair.”

​

 

Sometimes we're making a prediction

​

Sometimes we use the word “should” to mean that we predict that certain unwanted and unspecified consequences will arise if something doesn’t happen, for example, “I should be able to do it in less time or I might lose my job.”

​

​

Sometimes we're declaring our intention

​

Sometimes we use the word “should” to mean that we as in, “I should get this finished by 4:00 pm."

​

​

Sometimes we're making an unspecified threat

​

Sometimes we use the word “should” to mean that we are issuing an unspecified threat. For example, if a wife says to her husband, "You should not be having an affair," it could mean, “If you don't stop, I will leave you."

​

​

Sometimes we're stating that almost everyone would agree with this assessment

​

Sometimes we use the word “should” to mean that almost everyone else would agree with our assessment of the acceptability of a certain behavior. For example, “She should have called me first and almost everyone would agree with me that it was inconsiderate of her not to do so.”

​

​

Sometimes we're declaring our criticism or condemnation of ourselves, of others, or of God/universe

​

However, we most often use the word “should” to mean that there is (or would be) something wrong with us (guilt) and/or something wrong with others (blame) and/or something wrong with God or the universe (deep cynicism in action).

​

​

Euphemistic words that mean the same (guilting ourselves in disguise)

​

Some of us have become more careful with our language and don’t use the word “should” very much; we use other words and phrases that essentially have the same meaning:

 

ought to,

must,

have to,

need to,

had better,

it would be good to,

it would be bad to,

it would be right to,

it would be wrong to.

 

Whenever we apply these blame words to ourselves, we are often unknowingly and subtly “guilting” ourselves, slowly accumulating an atmosphere of guilt without ever identifying it as such.

​

​

Tally up your "shoulds"

​

Take on this small project. Tomorrow, tally each time you use a “should” word, at least in your speaking, if not also in your thinking. Try to get in touch with the resisted fear that the “should” is trying to keep at bay, the fear that the “should” is trying to keep hidden and unfelt.

 

Breathe into that fear and ask yourself, “Where is the opportunity for courage here?”

​

​

​

​

"When I contemplate the accumulation of guilt and remorse which, like a garbage-can,

I carry through life, and which is fed not only by the lightest action but by the most harmless pleasure,

I feel Man to be of all living things the most biologically incompetent and ill-organized.

Why has he acquired a seventy years life-span only to poison it incurably by the mere being of himself?

Why has he thrown Conscience, like a dead rat, to putrefy in the well?"

—Cyril Connolly (1904–1974, British critic)

​

​

"The more sinful and guilty a person tends to feel,

the less chance there is that he will be a happy, healthy, or law-abiding citizen.

He will become a compulsive wrong-doer."

—Dr. Albert Ellis (1913-2007, American psychotherapist)