"Women, listen up!"

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People are different. Men are different. Women are different. What I say below may or may not apply to any given man. Notwithstanding, these traits are broadly applicable to most men.

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As a woman do you know that?...

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• If a woman can make a man feel powerful, respected, and admired, it's almost impossible that he won't love her and want to take care of her. Consider saying things like,

  • "How did you know that?! That's amazing!"

  • "When you put your arms around me, I feel so safe."

  • "You've become an expert on my body."

• There's a certain way a woman can look at a man that will make him feel your respect and admiration. How often do you look at your man this way?

• Men might be more sensitive to blame and nagging than are women, since their need for feeling respected can feel more intense than it might for a woman.​ Nagging can feel especially disrespectful to man.

• It's important for a man to feel like he has something to do with making his woman, or any woman, happy. This is one important way they he can feel powerful. You might have heard the saying, "A happy woman makes a happy man; the reverse is not necessarily true."

• Men are simple animals compared to women. To cite one statistic, about 70% of divorces in the USA are initiated by women. Women tend to have higher standards in relationships than do men. To further make this point, I'll tell you about "The Husband Store." Here's how I heard the story: 

  • A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

  • You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

  • So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
    The 1st floor sign on the door reads: "These men have jobs."
    The 2nd floor sign reads: "These men have jobs and love kids."
    The 3rd floor sign reads: "These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework."
    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
    Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak."

  • She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

  • To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
    The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
    The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
    The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

• In contrast with women, if men have a personal problem, they are less likely to share it with their friends or even their woman. I suspect one reason for this is that a man's self-image is commonly attached to "solving his own problems," as a source of pride. Also, men are likely​ to think that they may not look powerful or they may lose respect if they share their problems openly. They could feel concern that sharing their problems openly with their woman may make her feel unsafe. Another factor is that men are more challenged than women in finding the right words to describe their personal problems and feelings. 

• Men often don't understand how feeling safe, cherished, and adored are so important for their women. Women need regular, daily, and even spontaneous expressions of love and affection. Men are confused by this. "I already told you I love you. Why do you need to hear it again and again? Look at everything I already do. Isn't this enough for you?"

• Women are often unaware of the hunger for sex that can a young man is incessantly reminded of. And most men will not openly tell a woman about all the sexual restraint they are using. Women, consider this as an analogy: imagine you haven't had anything to eat for 24 hours. Delicious looking and mouthwatering food is all around you. You see it and you smell it, but you can't touch it or taste it. You can't even talk (to the women) about how much you want it (them), for fear of scaring them and looking like a bad guy. This is what it's like for men 24/7. Unless they have a regular sexual partner, this burning, background hunger is always there, with masturbation providing only a temporary respite. Women can often forget about sex. For young men, this never happens (for more than a few minutes). This is what young men have to deal with all the time (and "young" can extend into 60 and beyond). It's both a blessing and a curse.

• A majority of women feel that "one man at a time" is enough for them and they can't imagine loving two or more men at the same time. In contrast, a majority of men know that they can love more than one woman at the same time and that the love for one woman would not necessarily take away for their love for another woman. Because women project the way they are about loving onto their man, if they discover their man is with another woman, they often mistakenly conclude, "If he loves her that means he doesn't really love me."

• The feeling of safety is paramount for most women. Because of this, they often mistakenly give too much safety to their men. When a man feels too safe with a woman, the sense of challenge goes away, even a sense of her being so special attenuates. One important way that a man can feel powerful with his woman is to feel an ongoing or sporadic sense of risk and challenge. I sometimes recommend to a woman to say to her man as they're walking down the street, "You see that man over there...he's pretty handsome, don't you think? Maybe if I wasn't with you, I'd be with him." Keep him on the edge, not over the edge...it's a skill that needs to be developed. This is often why, when a woman says to a man, "Okay, I'm yours," then the chasing is over and she wonders why his attention goes elsewhere: TV, computer games, out with the boys, work, and even other women.

• Once a woman feels safe and cherished by a man, her desire and capacity for sex (making love) can be insatiable. Men are more limited. A man might keep going for thirty minutes or, on occasion, up to an hour. If he could go longer, the woman would be more and more happy. Also, of course, once a man ejaculates, he needs a recovery period. Most women, however, after an orgasm, can easily keep going and even have multiple orgasms. Consequently, in a romantic relationship, it's important to set it up for a man to stay hungry for his woman. Although this may seem problematic for the woman, sometimes "wanting to be with him all the time", an exciting, long-term relationship needs to create structures that keep a man hungry for his woman. With my girlfriend we've both agreed upon a policy that we only see each other once a week.

• For most men, a relationship with a woman is an important slice of his "pie of life." The other slices, however, exist for him independent of his relationship with his woman. Women, in contrast, have other slices too, but every slice of their life is more likely to be colored and affected by her romantic relationship.

• Men are fix-it machines. If his mate presents him with what looks like a problem, his first inclination is either to do something to fix it or to suggest something she should do to fix it. This response is often exacerbating to his woman. She might want some help with the problem, but first she wants her man to really listen to her thoughts and feelings about the problem. In fact, very often, this is all that is needed. If your man is a fix-it machine, consider saying to him, "Honey, I'd like to share something with you. But I don't want you to give me any advice or try to fix it. What I really want is for you to just listen. Would that be okay? Could you do that for me?"

• Men like a feeling of challenge. It creates a sense of risk and excitement in their life. Bring this to the bedroom. Set up a "safe word." My girlfriend and I use the word "stop." If she says "stop," I stop immediately. If she says "no," I probably won't stop. If she says, "don't," I probably won't stop. Of course, it's a game, but it creates that sense of chasing and risk. He persists and you resist, until he "wins" (and you win, too).

• Imagine that you had to make a difficult choice: Your man would love another woman, but he would not have sex with her. Or your man would have sex with another woman, but would not love her. Most women would choose the second option. In contrast, men would choose the first alternative. Women are more jealous about love. Men are more jealous about sex.

• If a woman says "no" to a man, it can mean, "ask me again or ask me different ways to show me how much you want it or how much you care about me." Or it may mean that, in another mood, she is likely to say "yes." In contrast, if a man says "no," he is likely to feel disrespected if you don't accept his "no." If you accept his "no," he may even come back later, having changed his mind.

• A woman often yearns for a man to be able to read her mind or pick up on her hints. Yes, some men are better at this than others. But if he doesn't read your mind or doesn't pick up on your hints, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't be happy to do what you wanted if he were clear about what it was. If you let him know about it in a light, respectful way as in, "Honey, I would be in heaven if you could get me some coffee," you'll most likely be surprised at how often you get what you want.

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