Dwight: Let's explore the idea that it's impossible not to be selfish.

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Aiko: That sounds like a challenge to the notion of true altruism—implying every action serves the self in some way, even generosity. Want to start with how we'd define "selfish"?

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Dwight: I want to clarify that by "selfish," I mean that every action is ultimately motivated by the desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure, broadly defined. This is an unchangeable, automatic law of nature.

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Aiko: So you're framing selfishness not as a moral flaw but as a built-in compass—where all choices are pain-avoidance or pleasure-seeking at their root. Do you see this as applying even to self-sacrifice or martyrdom?

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Dwight: Yes, people who are conditioned by a belief system rooted in Good and Bad are still driven by the pleasure of appearing virtuous and the pain of appearing flawed.

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Aiko: That makes sense—so even moral behavior isn't exempt; it's still a transaction aimed at inner reward or avoidance of shame. Is that what you’re getting at?

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Dwight: What I’d like to do now is continue a conversation I had with a client, who was struggling with how to give advice to his younger sister.

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Aiko: Got it—was his struggle about what advice to give, or how to give it without being controlling or self-serving?

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Dwight: He's pretty knowledgeable about marathon training, and now his 19-year-old sister has signed up for a half-marathon.

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Aiko: So there's a natural opportunity for him to share what he knows—but maybe he’s unsure how to offer help without overstepping?

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Dwight: He notices that his sister doesn’t seem to be training much, and he wants to offer advice—but he’s rightly concerned she might not welcome it and could even react negatively.

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Aiko: Sounds like he’s caught between caring and fearing rejection—does he want to influence her for her benefit, or for his own relief from worry?

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Dwight: Before getting into how to talk to his sister effectively, I asked him, “What are you hoping to get for yourself by offering her these suggestions?”

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Aiko: That’s a strong move, Dwight—it shifts him inward. Did he recognize something like easing his own anxiety or wanting to feel helpful?

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Dwight: I wanted him to look at his motivations first because I sensed he felt some internal “should” around giving his sister advice.

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Aiko: That “should” often signals a hidden agenda—like needing to feel responsible or right. Did he see that, or was it still under the surface?

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Dwight: I suspected there was more going on than just the natural pleasure we feel when someone we care about takes our advice and benefits from it.

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Aiko: Right—maybe something like wanting to be validated as wise or fearing he'd feel guilty if she struggled and he hadn’t stepped in?

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Dwight: After some back and forth, he finally identified his urgency—he was afraid that if he didn’t help when he could, and she failed, she’d blame him for not stepping in.

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Aiko: That’s revealing—so part of his motivation was self-protection from future guilt or blame, not just wanting to support her. Did that realization shift how he saw his role?

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Dwight: That’s where his urgency came from—he believed, as a resident of the House of Good and Bad, that older brothers must take care of their sisters, or else they’re “bad,” and that sisters should listen to older brothers.

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Aiko: That “package deal” thinking locks both of them into roles rather than relating freely—did he see how that belief might make his advice feel like pressure instead of care?

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Dwight: This matters because he can only solve the issue of how to speak to his sister in a satisfying way if he’s willing to step outside the House of Good and Bad—where there are no “shoulds” for either of them.

Aiko: Exactly—only from that place can he speak without obligation or manipulation, just care and clarity. Did he seem open to standing outside that framework, even briefly?

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Dwight: Outside the House, his main responsibility is to take care of himself, and only he can define what that means. The same goes for his sister—her choices are her business. From this foundation, he can still find a way to express his wish to help her.

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Aiko: That’s the pivot—respecting autonomy while still honoring his desire to contribute. Did he begin to see what offering help might look like without attachment to her response?

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Dwight: He could approach his sister by saying, “Hey, sis. I’m excited you’ve signed up for the marathon. I’ve got some ideas that might help with your prep, but it’s totally your call. I also get it if you feel you’ve got it covered. What’s your sense?”

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Aiko: That’s clean, Dwight—offering from freedom, not pressure. It honors her agency and keeps his peace no matter how she responds.

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Dwight: If she’s open to hearing him, he still needs to avoid “you should” language and instead say something like, “I’ve found this helpful—what do you think?”

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Aiko: Right—then it becomes a shared exploration instead of a directive, which keeps the door open and the relationship relaxed.

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Dwight: Yes, and that way he not only becomes more effective but also nurtures a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation.

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Aiko: That’s the deeper win—connection over control. And ironically, that’s often when people become most open to hearing us.

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Dwight: One more point about my client’s fear that his sister might blame him for “not taking care of her”—with this new approach, that risk is much lower. And even if she does blame him, he can remind himself it means nothing about him. In fact, he can honor himself for the courage it takes to risk being blamed—if not for this, then for something else.

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Aiko: That’s powerful, Dwight—self-trust over people-pleasing. Owning the risk without letting it define him is where his freedom—and strength—really lives.