Daisy, Oh Daisy!

Now, some of you may have remembered a recent video I did with one of my other friends and assistant Mia. Well, now I'm with Daisy, you know, and I know many of you are thinking, "Wow, how does this guy do it?" Well, uh, that's a secret I'm going to tell you. So, Daisy, welcome. um uh can uh maybe you don't need to say anything. People will just look at you and and believe any good things about you, right? But we're going to learn a little about you, right? Uh you're going to tell you have problems, too, right? Even though you're so lovely, you got problems, right? Is that right?

 

Daisy "has to deal with everything alone"...

I do have my own problems. Oh my god. But they're yours. They're not anybody else's, right? Yes. Okay. Well, that's good to know. All right. But All right. So, but I like problems. Give me what was your problem? Uh tell what would you like to be different Daisy? Okay. Okay. So now I would like to talk about my problem. Yes. I grew up in a family which doesn't have much communication. Yes. And my feeling doesn't be heard or expressed. Okay. So you really suppressed yourself. You weren't expressed. Okay. Yeah. My my parent was always was always busy with work. Very very busy working and earning enough money. Yeah. Yeah. So over time I feel like uh it's very difficult for me to share my feeling and I Yeah. It's very hard to maybe feels doesn't feel safe, right? Mhm. So now I have to deal with everything alone. I feel like I it's hard for me to share with anybody, right?

 

Dwight: ..."and you can't even share with others who feel like you do because you've all already decided "everything must be done alone"...

And Yes. So you feel like you're in this world all alone and you got to whatever your problems are, you got to figure them all out yourself, right? So well, that's the way a lot of people do it. You know, you're not you could maybe you could talk with one of those other people who does it that way. Oh, but that's not going to work though because you you both have decided not to talk with other people, right? So, you can't even share with them about how you're one of those people who doesn't share.

That's really you got yourself in a different situ difficult situation there, lady.

 

That early decision you made to just keep things inside still runs your life...

Yeah. Okay. So, so you made some sort of maybe early decision like you just got to do it yourself, right? And you and it's if you try to share it, nobody around you either cares or they don't have any ability to help, right? And then and you just have to be strong yourself, right? Yeah. And you look like one of those persons who's done that very well, you know, and by the way, you know, I admire you a lot. So, uh, please don't hear this is any sort of criticism, Daisy. Okay. So, yeah, but it's but yeah, it feels very lonely and it can feel like Yeah. Yeah. Doubt in my heart. I feel like something some lonely thing away stuck in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have some idea what that's like. It's different from me, but some idea about that. So, so you made some sort of decision. Okay.

 

Would there be anyone today with whom you might be willing to choose courage to share a bit more openly with?

So, let me just ask, is there anybody any friend currently in your life that that you consider sort of a friend? may be somewhat safe. Okay, that um now there's no guarantees how they might respond, but if you were willing to take feel some fear, you probably would feel some fear to maybe and you could say something like, "Hey, I realize I've been not show, you know, not sharing so openly with you. Um, I just like to share something I haven't shared before. Uh, I don't know how you might feel about it. I like if you could just listen to me. I'm not I'm not necessarily asking you to fix anything, you know," and just say that. I know that would probably feel would that would feel pretty risky. Do you think what what do you if you imagine doing that, would that feel risky or not?

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Daisy: "...it doesn't feel risky, just hard to share..."

I cannot call it risky but I I still feel like something very hard to share. Yeah. So okay you say hard hard difficult. Okay like a rock hard like a rock is hard. What do you mean hard? I mean see you know how to speak words right? And you I mean we could we could even design the words for you to say and you could say let's just pretend you're an actress and your job is to speak these words because you I think you're interested in even being actress right so you would you would know you could speak those words if you were pretending to be that character you could probably do that right yeah and So what's what's hard there? I mean I'm just suggesting it's this type of fear. Okay. I don't know this or maybe you could even try even if you can't feel the fear. You might have you ever heard me tell you about the "Oh my god, I'm so scared!"

 

Dwight: "...Did I tell you about that making friends with fear process?
Did I tell you about that process? You know, like like maybe even try even if you don't feel the fear like imagine saying that to your friend or something and then and by yourself. You can do it by yourself. Like deep breath. "Oh my god, I'm so scared. It feels so hard to share this with anyone. Oh my god!" you know, and do that, you know, something like that. You know, see if you might loosen it up, okay, a little bit. Um, and you know, there's no guarantees how somebody might respond, but I've had so much experience with people who somewhat believe like you, but they chose some courage to be more open and they got surprised. Oh my god, you know, other people like me or there's other people who can understand me, you know, and not that they necessarily have a solution, okay, but it's so it's nice to know that because it's so easy to believe, you know, like you said, they're my problems, right?

 

Your problems have their own flavor, but they are not much different than the problems all of us share...

Well, they are your problems, but you're Hey, guess what? Your girls are your problems are really not that much fundamentally different than other people's problems. They yours have their own flavor to them. Yes. You know, don't have to worry about them being different that way, you know. No, I'm trying to. I think we need to get you over here. I don't know. You keep going out. All right. So, uh I'm I'm I don't know where they call you, but anyway. Um you maybe you go back this this way. you come this way. Okay. Right. So anyway, so and then what happens often then you just share a little bit more and maybe some of your friends you'll find no it doesn't work with them. Maybe you could just still be friends in the old way or even go separate ways, you know. And so you begin to find discover that people around you hey because probably, correct me if I'm wrong. You may have also this idea is people only like me because of what they see which is pretty big mask, right?

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Be willing to discover that people may like, maybe even better, the Daisy without the mask as well as the one with the mask...

Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. Okay. And doesn't we all have a mask and mask is nice to have. Okay. Um but when you can't take them off at least some you know with some people you know then it's very lonely even you have all sorts of people that to say that you're a good a friend you know it's lonely understandably and you and you then you reconfirm the belief some sort of belief oh if people really knew me they wouldn't like me. Well, you didn't give them a chance, you know. I mean, maybe they wouldn't like you, but then you can not like Well, I'm not saying you don't have to not like, but they could just go different ways, you know. You know, everybody doesn't need to like you, right?

 

With some people you can either go separate ways or just enjoy a "mask-to-mask" relationship...

Yeah. And you can find those people, you know, or discover those and you can discover yourself. Even you say you you think we know ourselves but one of the best ways to know ourselves more deeply is by it's it's in the process and also you're curious about them. I you know I would think you would if they if they had something to share with you. Yeah.

 

And you could enjoy the connection and pleasure of allowing others to share openly and vulnerably with you...

Do you think you would probably you know really appreciate their their courage, their vulnerability? Yeah. To open up and share with you, right? Yeah. And um and you know I'm very touched that you open that you brought up this problem you know cuz it is so it is so mentally it's so I can imagine you know cuz in some way I sure we all have but my I can relate to this problem in with some of my earlier life really and I had my own flavor you know but I know and I and I felt like oh my god you know and but step by step I started sharing more oh my god even the strange and I mean I mean you know how weird I am you can't be any more weird than me right and people some people still seem to like me you know so you you know you you can I mean be prepared to be surprised and you can take it step by step you you know, they didn't have to be overnight.

 

Just step by step, there is no big rush...

Yeah. and start with one or two people, you know, and and just become and honor yourself with the courage regardless of how they respond, you know, like that's what if if we're going to if we're going to make any sort of judgment about ourselves, it's it's it's about the will to choose courage, you know, not whether we get own response because however they respond doesn't mean anything about you. I mean, you're already great. Okay? And and you can start to feel that and know that yourself the more you choose courage. Have you heard that? Can you just speak a few words? Because I keep going on and on here. This is assuming you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah, I just listen to your advice and now Yes. Um I'm trying to be more open now.

 

I'm suspicious of the word "try"...I think this is just a do or don't do situation, step by step...

Well, maybe you maybe don't use the word try. Okay. Just say try. Well, you just Well, you either are or you're not. You choose courage to be more open or you don't. Okay. You It's a It's a choice. It's a It's like a You don't like if I say I'm going to try to pick this up. I'm going to try to pick this. I'm going to Yeah. Either pick it up or I don't. Okay. And this is somewhat like that, you know, and you can do it. It doesn't mean, you know, there's no, you don't have to do this fast, okay? Just step by step, you know? And so does that make sense? Does that fit? Yeah.

 

We often hear, "love yourself first," but except for just saying those words to yourself, how are you going to love yourself given the automatic self-criticism that the machinery of your mind engages in?

Okay. And what you know, there's a there's a expression um love yourself. You know, you hear it a lot. Oh, love yourself. Love yourself. But but nobody tells you how to "Love Yourself," right? They just say, maybe they say just repeat it. repeated. I love you. I love you. H that might maybe well I love myself. I love that might have some effect. But the best way to love yourself is choosing courage. Choosing courage to to open, you know, to to open or choosing or choosing courage to "say no." Or say "Yes." You know when you need to say "no" or choosing courage to make requests to take care of yourself. choose and every time you choose courage and pat yourself on the back regardless of the result you're loving yourself like loving yourself the the expression the feeling of like like this yeah you know you don't have to try it's like you feel you can feel your love cuz you're acting you're acting in congruent with loving yourself you know because "your number one job is to take care of ourselves."

 

Loving yourself by saying no, making requests, sharing more openly, and sometimes even keeping your mouth shut...

No, you told me before. Oh, I told you that before. Okay. I get that in mind. Always in my mind. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and but of course there's the how to, you know, and it's like and of course short-term and long-term, you know, and but usually it involves choosing courage to to make your request. She's encouraged to "say no." She's encouraged to be maybe "more open" at a risk. uh even sometimes choosing courage to keep your "keep your mouth shut." You know parents when they want to can say do your children do you that their big courage is keeping their mouth shut you know um so courage can take many forms all which is taking care of yourself and loving yourself. Yeah. So, um, now I know this is a step-by-step process, and I want you to remember the the, "Oh my god, I'm so scared. It's so hard." You know, really, you loosen up, you know? Don't don't don't fight with the fear. Just loosen up and then see what level of courage you're willing to choose.

 

Make it easy and keep doing it step by step...people just waiting for you to take the first step...

Maybe just a little bit of courage. Don't you don't have to open say everything it once you know and and notice how how the person responds and invite partnership stay you know stay up and and if you find that somebody just whatever reason they it doesn't you know then fine you don't you just but there's there's so many people who would be honored to have this relationship with you where you. I mean I am honored already myself you know you already do some of that with me you know they would be honored to to that you were that you were willing to choose courage to be vulnerable this way with them and they with you too you know and so but you but the trouble is it's all in your hands if you're waiting for somebody else to do it for you.

 

You cannot delegate the ultimate responsibility of the job of taking caring of yourself...

And that's just you can't delegate that, you know, and and the good news is I mean, maybe when you're a little child, you know, you did the best you could. You're you're no longer that little child. Don't don't think you're You see, we act as if we're in the same circumstance. Circumstance changed. Yeah. But your behavior behavior not changed. Okay. Okay. that you're still acting like it's an unsafe world. Maybe it was been back then, okay? But it's not now.

 

The world pretty safe...I like the Byron Katie quote, "Reality is much kinder than your thoughts about it"

The world's pretty god damn safe. People are pretty goddamn safe. And you can keep boundaries when you need to. You got all the power, you know. I can change it. I can. Yeah. Yeah. And it's it's actually it's step-by-step sort of reprogramming the old programming of be safe, be safe. It is actually pretty dangerous place to be in terms of having a great life. So, so what's your takeaway, Daisy? Yeah, I will and I can change the circumstance. I will no longer be that child that feel unsafe because...

 

Dwight: "...wait, you need to be that parent for yourself that you didn't have growing up, allowing her to feel frightened when she feels that way, holding her, and..."

Just if you don't mind a slight correction here that child is inside of you she's frightened she may continue to be frightened don't see if you say I will no longer be that child you're pushing her away see that's what that's what your parents maybe did with you. Okay. So, uh she she's there. So, when you feel that, just say, "I know that you're frightened." Hold her. Yeah. No, but more than hold her. Hold her. This is your This This is your you you get to be for yourself the best parent maybe you never had. Okay. Okay. And you don't And don't saying no, I'm not. No, that's the problem. The pushing down, that's the problem. Embrace her. Yeah. And now you we have the adult, the adult Daisy with that child Daisy. Okay. Holding her, loving her, letting her be frightened, and then maybe going together and looking for the boogeyman. Oh, is there a is there a danger here? Really? Let's go look together. you know, yeah, that you're with her and that you're here and you don't you don't criticize her. You don't blame her for, you know, uh be be strong, don't hide, whatever those I'm telling you. Yeah. So, yeah. So, say it please say again. So, just Yeah. So now I am adult daisy will take care take good care of the small daisy and I will be that's parents that I always want that I was yeah it means you listen to her you don't praise her and you don't her yeah praise her just well you don't even have to praise her like don't just hold her like you're there for her, okay? And you and you're like you're loving her, you're respecting her, and you're not uh criticizing her, you know, like and then and then to and that's and then say, "I'm here. I'll always be here." And let's and let's go see if this world's really as dangerous as you think it is. Cuz I I think maybe the some of those bogeymans may not exist, you know? Let's let's go looking. See if we can find a bogeyman." Do you know the idea of bogeyman?

 

Go "bogeyman hunting" with your Little Daisy...

No. You know the in in America like a say a four-year-old son. Daddy. Daddy. I'm so scared. And you know he's in the bed. Oh. Oh. Oh. What's wrong, son? Oh, there's a bogeyman in the closet. He's going to get me. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, so a good father would say, "Oh, really? Really? Can I go look in the You stay here, son. And I'll go look in the closet. Son, I don't see a bogeyman. Can you come here? Maybe you could show it to me. You know, so you don't you don't you hold a little. Okay. And by the way, you know, we can follow up on this later, right? Anything you want to say to be complete for today, Daisy?

 

Daisy: "...thank you, Dwight..."

I want to say thank you. Yeah. because I always I I always appreciate when you sharing things with me and that's why I I told you earlier I'm trying to more open cuz I see the image of you sharing with me the things. Yeah. Yeah. And and yeah, I'm a little bit suspicious of that word trying. Okay. So, just step by step, just action. Just actions, courage, patting yourself on the back, keeping your eyes open, taking care of yourself. Good. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me.