"ASK DWIGHT HOW" 365/24/7

 

 

USA voice: 206-923-9554

USA text: 206-457-2817

COPYRIGHT 2018-2020 BY DWIGHT GOLDWINDE

Fifteen minutes (or less)

for love

Keep your love shining with just fifteen minutes (or less) a day!

 

How does our love,

     which often seems so strong at the beginning,

     seem to fade the longer we know each other?

 

One major reason is that we take each other for granted.

For many of us, if we devoted as much intention and energy to our job

     as we do to our relationship, we would be fired.

 

Let me suggest a less than fifteen-minute exercise

     that you and your partner

     (spouse, lover, friend, colleague, or family member)

     can do at the end of the day

     or at the end of any time that you spend together.

I’ve received amazing reports on the difference

     this exercise has made for the people who have used it.

Just fifteen minutes a day to keep your relationship glowing!

     What a deal!

This exercise contains two distinct parts.

PART ONE:

 

For the first part it is important that it be approached

     as an “information-gathering” exercise only.

     Whether or not you or your partner

     will be able, and/or willing, to make any changes

     in your behavior with each other

     based upon the information gathered

     is entirely another question.

     The attitude that makes this exercise work is one of

         really wanting to understand the other person

         and how you affect them or don't affect them.

     Approach this process with the glasses

         of understanding and compassion.

 

Let’s say that your partner’s name is Jim.

 

Here’s what you would say to him:

     “Jim, what have you told yourself about me today

     that has made you feel connected with me?

     Please give me detailed feedback

         on what you’ve enjoyed or appreciated

         about being with me today.”

 

Really listen to what Jim says.

     Do not assume you know what he will say.

     Keep asking Jim for more feedback

         until he has nothing more to say.

     If you don’t fully understand a specific piece of feedback,

         ask for more detail

         so that you can fully understand his feedback.

     If you notice that you are touched by or appreciative

         of anything that Jim says to you,

         express your appreciation to him for what he has said.

 

After this question has been fully answered,

     ask Jim a second question:

     “Jim, what have you told yourself about me today

     that has made you feel

         disconnected with or separate from me?          

         Please give me detailed feedback

         on anything that you’ve disliked

         or that has made you uncomfortable

         about being with me today?”

 

Really listen to what Jim says.

     Do not assume you know what he will say.

     Keep asking Jim for more feedback

         until he has nothing more to say.

     If you don’t fully understand a specific piece of feedback,

         ask for more detail

         so that you can fully understand his feedback.

     If it took courage for Jim

         to share openly with you about something,

         express your appreciation for his choice of courage.

 

If there is anything you might like to change

     about your behavior with Jim in the future,

     consider asking him to support you in making the change

     (by giving you a gentle but an immediate signal)

     should the unwanted behavior occur again in the future.

     Jim is likely to be aware of the behavior he dislikes

     much sooner than you would be.

 

After you have finished asking Jim these questions

     and fully listening to him, then it’s your turn to give feedback.

     Reverse the roles,

         with Jim asking you the same questions

         and with him really listening to you.

PART TWO:

 

For this part (which lasts five minutes),

     it's best to be sitting or reclining comfortably

     looking at each other at an comfortably eye distance

     (maybe 12-18 inches)

     with the lights dimmed.

During these five minutes, hold gently in your thoughts:

     "Here's another soul, just like my soul, trying to do their best with me,

     as they see me, as they see themselves, and as they see the world."

For five minutes (use a timer so you don't have to watch the clock),

     gaze into each other's eyes.

     Allow yourself to think what you think, see what you see,

     and feel what you feel.

     Don't worry about blinking; blink when you need to blink,

          but don't look away.

After the five minutes, thank each other, 

     hold each other if both of you like,

     and share anything that you might like to share.

Very often it is a choice of courage

     for one or both partners to participate in this process.

     It can be a choice of courage to ask questions.

     It can be a choice of courage to fully and honestly answer them.

     It can be a choice of courage to gaze vulnerably into another's eyes.

     Honor and appreciate yourself and your partner

         each time you participate in this exercise.

 

If you have never tried this process before

     or if you have not done this process for a while,

     then the choice of courage is often bigger.

 

If you and your partner

     are willing to engage in this exercise

     on a daily, or perhaps weekly, basis,

     then the quality of your relationship

     will be consistently maintained and improved.

Invite your partner today to create a regular structure

     to support doing this process regularly.