I had a new question to try to resolve conflicts between Now and Next

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Dwight-Next insisted on continuing to work on the book and get it published. Dwight-Now didn't want to tolerate the long, drawn-out, detailed process of editing the book and whatever else Dwight-Next might demand.

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The general form of the new question that I had never consistently asked myself before was, "How can Dwight-Now enjoy the process of doing what Dwight-Next thinks needs doing in order to get the result that Dwight-Next wants?"

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Or, for this problem, "How could Dwight-Now enjoy the process of editing this book and getting it published?"

 

“To ask the 'right' question is far more important than to receive the answer. The solution of a problem lies in the understanding of the problem; the answer is not outside the problem, it is in the problem.”

-Jiddu Krishnamurti

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The answer didn't come right away

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I was confident I had the "right" question, even though when I asked it, I didn't get a workable answer right away. But because I had some confidence in the question, I kept asking it, thinking about it, turning it over in my mind. For three weeks.

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When the answer finally occurred to me, I was highly confident that it would work.

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Internet advertisement: part-time job as a "book listener"

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I placed an Internet ad on a Shanghai website for a book listener. I didn't have to offer to pay very much, just 10 RBM (about $1.50 USD) per hour. Some university students would have been happy to do it for free, just as a way to improve their oral English. I got more applicants than I needed.

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The qualifications for their job

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After a short qualifying interview in person, I would usually set an appointment with the applicant to work as my "book listener."

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Unbeknownst to the applicant, in addition to a minimal level of oral English ability, I had some non-obvious job qualifiers. 

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• Must be a woman...sorry, men.

• Must be moderately attractive: I'm fairly easy to please in this department, given how attractive Chinese women are to me in general.

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This is your job

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Also, in the beginning, I lied to her about what I needed from her, "You're job, as I'm reading from my book and making changes, is to come up with suggestions of how I could make it more understandable or how the English could be improved."

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She starts to feel guilty

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Typically, after two days of working together with a new "listener," where I am having fun reading the essays out loud and make enhancements and corrections, she will have made no suggestions, which is understandable since she's not a native speaker and I'm dealing with subtle distinctions in English. She will say to me, "I'm so sorry I haven't made any suggestions. I'm feeling guilty."​

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She now knows I am a safe man, so I can tell her the truth

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"You're helping a lot. Because you are an attractive young Chinese woman and you're listening to me as I read this out loud, you're making this editing process very enjoyable to me. Thank you! Otherwise, doing this would be unbearably boring to me."

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She felt relaxed then. She was reassured that I was happy enough without her making any suggestions regarding my written English. Today, as I look back, I wish had thought to formally acknowledge in my book those several young Chinese women who ended up being instrumental in helping me finish my book!

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Success and happiness for both my Now and my Next!

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Dwight-Now loved the process of working on the book until it was successfully published in July of 2004. Dwight-Next felt satisfaction and pride in moving consistently ahead on a worthy project and getting the result that he intended.

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Courage: the Choice that Makes the Difference-Your Key to a Thousand Doors

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Patricia's suffering was immense.

Four months prior her 33-year-old son killed himself.

As a life coach, how could I do anything more than just listen?

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Healing from something like this is a job for professional grief counselors and it can take years

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A friend introduced Patricia to me eleven months ago (as of February 2022). My friend thought I might be able to help. Patricia, 58, and I scheduled a telephone session together.

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As Patricia shared her pain with me, I felt her suffering was unfathomable: loss, sadness, guilt, confusion, shame, anger, and trauma.

 

I was not professionally trained to deal with this. How could I possibly help her, other than to do my best to listen and try to understand?

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Other tools and distinctions

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But I had some "tools" that most others in the helping profession don't have. With Patricia's permission, I decided to find out what we could do together, even in just this one-hour session.

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If you were in my shoes, how would you try to help Patricia?

What could you say to Patricia which would change things fundamentally for her?

The finale coming soon: Life 168 - Season 1 Episode 5

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