Why do we avoid listening to complainers?

Why do we have difficulty listening to those in pain or heartbreak?

Why do we have difficulty listening to those who are frightened?

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Think of a time when this was true for you. Were you living inside one or more of these "shoulds"?

 

• "They should not be thinking or feeling the way they are."

• "They should not complain."

• "They should not complain about me."

• "They should take my advice which they aren't or won't."

• "I should be able to help them."

• "I should not be powerless to help them."

• "I should know what to do to help them."

• "I should want to help them."

• "I should help them."

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If you're dominated by one or more of these "shoulds," then you will...

 

• avoid someone who might complain about you or to you, or

• hope they won't mention their pain, problem, fear, or complaint, or

• have difficulty in listening to them, or

• feel bad because they feel bad, or

• try to rescue them or fix their problem, or

• blame them.

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Being limited to one or more of these responses is not likely to be happy or even effective for you or them.

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The way out for you (and maybe even for them) is for you to know that you are powerless...

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• because you cannot fix their pain or fear or suffering, or

• because you cannot reassure them that it will get better, or

• because you're unable or unwilling to do anything differently, or

• because you don't have permission to coach them or give them advice, or

• because you're unable to prevent them from blaming you.

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The gifts of powerlessness for you are...

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• you will not want to avoid someone who might complain about you or to you, and/or

• you will be okay if they share their pain, problem, fear, or complaint, and/or

• you will be able to deeply listen to them, knowing that you can give them this, and/or

• you won't feel bad because they feel bad, and/or

• you won't feel any need to rescue them or fix them, and/or

• you may discover some valuable influence that you have when you know you're powerless, and/or

• you won't feel any need to get defensive.

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The possible gifts of your powerlessness for them...

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• they can feel easy to share with you, knowing that you won't feel burdened or worried, and/or

• they can feel fully listened to, and/or

• they can feel non-defensive with you, knowing that you won't try to fix them or give them advice, and/or

• they can feel that you are treating them with dignity.

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The gifts to both of you in your relationship together are...

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• you will feel more mutual respect and dignity, and/or

• you will feel more intimacy, and/or

• you will more easily be able to work out any issues you may have together, and/or

• you will both have contributed to your relationship through your powerless listening of them by creating a win-win experience, instead of a win-lose or even a lose-lose one.

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"Shoulds" are lies

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Sometimes they are well-intentioned lies. Sometimes they seem like harmless lies. 

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And one of the most toxic of all these "should" lies is that you have more power than you do or that you shouldn't be powerless.

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See Undoing shoulds.

See You are powerless.

See Undoing fear.

See Listening.

See Listening to listening.

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