I asked Ginger to stand up

 

Ginger, 23 years old, was a participant in my "I love you, my life" Sunday afterwork workshop in Kunming, China. We were exploring the idea of expectations and how they can affect our lives.

 

I used a machete to cut off her arm

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Standing next to Ginger, I took her right wrist in my right hand and stretched her arm out. I positioned my left hand, holding it flat just above the elbow of her right arm and I said to her, "Imagine that my left arm and hand are the handle and blade of a machete. Now I am raising that machete and, with a swift downward swing I have cut off your right arm from the rest of your body. After you wake up tomorrow morning and remember that you no longer have a right arm and hand, share with us what you think your thoughts and feelings will be about that fact."

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Ginger was devastated

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Ginger replied, "Oh my God! I would feel so bad. My future is so bleak now. I feel crushed."

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Then I asked her, "You know that there are many people in the world who don't have a right arm. There are even people who don't have any arms. Some people don't even have arms and legs. And yet, many of these people are living happy lives. Did you know that? So why would you think that your future would have to be bleak? Those people don't."

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She replied, "That might be true for others, but I don't think I could ever be happy again."

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The facts

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Even for most of us who don't yet know of how to immediately be okay with a sudden negative change that significantly affects our future life, our immediate reaction of "I'll never be happy again," is almost always false. It may take a year or two with something like the loss of an arm, but people generally return to what was for them a normal level of happiness within a few years.

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The more profound facts

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In the above (imaginary) example with Ginger, reality changed instantly in a way that would affect her previous projections and plans for her future. However, what we're not so aware of is that her thoughts did not change to match that new reality. She is "trying" to continue to live in her previous reality in which she had a functioning right arm and hand and was expecting that to continue. She is convinced, "this shouldn't have happened to me: I should not have to live without an arm." She is fighting with reality, instead of immediately re-starting from her new set point. Consequently, not only does she suffer, she also hamstrings the possibility of her having the best life possible from her new current reality forward.

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Our habit to indulge in expectations

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Most of us conflate what I mean by "expectations" with desires, intentions, commitments, predictions, and projections. They are not the same. 

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An expectation, as I use the term, is the belief that something should or shouldn't be and if it turns out to be different than that, then you "know" that something is wrong with you, or something is wrong with someone else, or something is wrong with the universe, and you're damn upset about it.

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Expectations are a setup for possible upsets and dysfunctions.

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Toxic expectations are lurking everywhere, ready to ruin a few minutes if not your whole day and life

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• You expected that you'd get to work on time (but you're a few minutes late and you're upset about it).

• You expected that you're husband would remember pick up some tampons (but he didn't and you're blaming him).

• You expected that your child would bring home a decent report card (but they didn't and you're disappointed in them).

• You expected that you'd exercise today like you planned to (but you didn't and you're feeling a bit guilty).

• You expected that your government would do what's right (but they didn't and you're damn angry).

• You expected your flight to take off on time (but it was two hours late and you're upset that your plans got messed up).

• You expected that your husband would never have an affair with another woman (but he did and you feel betrayed and like your life has fallen apart).

• You expected that there was no chance for you to go out with that girl (so you didn't take a risk by asking her and then you continued to feeling disappointed in your life and to indulge in the feeling of safety by having no intention to make anything different).

• You expected that your wife would disappoint you again (so you don't take a risk by inviting her into a partnership conversation and you continue to blame her and feel sorry for yourself).

• You expected to get a lot done today (but you unexpectedly felt out of sorts and you feel disappointed).

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Undo your expectations and change your life!