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"You hurt me"

"No one can hurt me. That's my job." -Byron Katie

Imagine that you made the following request of a friend, family member, cohort, or lover.

"I've noticed that you've said several things to me recently that made me feel hurt and disrespected.

"I require that you treat me a certain way so that I don't feel bad about myself and I start to feel better about myself. It's your job to treat me with kindness and respect so that I can feel good about myself. 

"Maybe you're not aware of what you need to do so that I will feel good about myself. May I tell you what you should do and not do in order for you to fulfill your obligation to me to make me feel good about myself?"

This is what we believe

Regardless of whether we consciously acknowledge it to ourselves or say it openly to another person, this belief is what allows us to think, believe, or say "You hurt me" to another person.

We have given away the responsibility of whether or not we feel good about ourselves to others. And we even believe that if someone, at least someone who supposedly cares about us, doesn't think it's their responsibility, it means they must be a psychopath or worse.

Not so

Our #1 job in life is to take care of ourselves. And the core of that job is becoming and being our own best friend. 

When we are our own best friend, we may be confused, concerned about or even frightened (an opportunity for undoing fear) when someone else's behavior doesn't occur as respectful or loving. But we won't take it as meaning there is anything wrong with us. We can easily be curious about their behavior and try to discover what we may have done or not done that could have stimulated them to behave in the way that they did.

Granted, it's your machinery

To express accurately what is happening instead of believing and expressing the thought "You hurt me" to another, you could say, "When you said X, I noticed that the machinery of my mind automatically made it mean something bad about me and because of that, my machinery generated some pain."

This way you would be taking responsibility for your machinery, observing it, and creating the possibility of letting go of your defensiveness and becoming more and more your own best friend. As a nice side benefit, you're likely to have a better relationship with the other person.

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