An asserter

 

An “asserter” (from the word “assert”) is someone who speaks or takes actions to express or fulfill his or her own desires or commitments with little or no concern or awareness of the fears, needs, desires, and commitments of others. To understand a “pure asserter,” think of the behavior of a typical two-year-old child.

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An accommodater

 

An “accommodater” (from the word “accommodate”) is someone who speaks or takes actions in such a way as to always try to ensure that another or everyone else’s fears, desires, needs, and commitments are included as primary considerations in their decisions. A good way to get an idea of a “pure accommodater” is to think of a person who is good, who is kind, always giving to others, wouldn’t hurt a flea, constantly thinking about others' feelings, and always puts themselves last.

 

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Which is better?

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Many adults manage an uneasy balance between the asserter and accommodator within themselves, but they often don't feel truly comfortable with either. However, real power and satisfaction come from balance and synchronicity between these two modes.

 

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Which mode do you favor? 

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Often, we will favor one mode over the other, especially in a given area of life or in a relationship with a particular person. For example, in a marriage, often one spouse will be an asserter and the other will be an accommodator.

 

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Attracted to what we have disowned in ourselves

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It is common to be attracted to our spouse or lover because he or she expresses what we have disowned in ourselves. In my relationships with my ex-wife, when we were married, and former girlfriends, where they were typically the asserter and I the accommodator, until, with my wife, I became the asserter and said, 'goodbye!'”

 

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Choosing courage to start using "both legs"

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It often takes courage for an asserter to become an accommodator, and vice versa.

 

True power and freedom come from consistently exercising both the 'left leg' of accommodation and the 'right leg' of assertion, and choosing the appropriate one for each situation.

 

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Where in your life might it be more valuable to make more use of the "other leg"?

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In what areas or situations in your life might you choose the courage to exercise your “leg of accommodation”?

 

In what areas or situations might you find the courage to exercise your 'leg of accommodation'?

 

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"A successful social technique consists perhaps in finding unobjectionable means for individual self-assertion."

-Eric Hoffer (1903-1983, American author, philosopher)

 

“'Love' is an expression and assertion of self-esteem, a response to one’s own values in the person of another. One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns, and derives from love."

-Ayn Rand (1905-1982, writer, philosopher)

 

"He alone is wise who can accommodate himself to all contingencies of life; but the fool contends, and struggling, like a swimmer, against the stream."

-Latin proverb