Q&A January, 2021

 

 

 

Now and Next on the battle ground and the distinction of courage

 

Nick: One more thing, the lack of Now Next integrity is like always being in survival mode. But always being in that mode is extremely stressful and exhausting. Perhaps this is why no w takes over from next or next is so important that you can forgo enjoyment to win but then you're not happy anyway long term.

Nick (January 26, 2021) [sales and marketing, living in Indiana, USA]

Dwight: Yes, without Now-Next integrity, there will always be the back and forth battles, with each taking the dominant role and ignoring what other wants.

Nick: When I consider your teaching on making friends with your fear to extract courage, I thought of this. Is your message possibly what Jesus was saying in reference to courage and fear? "Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man." The lion is fear and man consumes as in your teaching? When man consumes it then he becomes blessed or courageous. In a sense your teaching is about consuming fear or is that wrong?

Dwight: Hmmmmm...not sure I would use the words "consuming fear." I would say "making friends with your fear" and "tapping into the energy of your fear." 

Nick: The Holy cats seems not to just be an exercise in making friends with fear, if you pause to do and proclaim your fear then you actually figure out what you're scared of. I think we just bury and bury and bury and then when we can no longer do so we want to face it. But not making overcoming fear is helpful but making friends with it may be the best way. Otherwise it just lingers until we muster up the courage at some unforeseen date and time. Is that right?

Dwight: If I am understanding you...Yes, many of us keeping avoiding facing our fear....Then it will build and build...Then maybe even another fear becomes greater and we "face our fear." But in one way, we still have not faced our fear. Because we only face one fear to get away from another fear. And "facing fear" is not the best expression, since it still implies some resistance. That's why the words "making friends with your fear" or "un-resisting your fear" are better.

Nick: Yeah I see the difference.

 

How to deal with bad people in your life?

Rich: What is your take on bad people in my life. Kid's mom is a real live piece of shit. But it can't be good to think that about her. Even if it's true.

Rich (January 21, 2021) [61-year-old American]

Dwight: How do you distinguish a "bad person"? Yes, there are people with whom I may need to keep a big boundary with because otherwise I cannot ensure I am taking care of myself. Your thoughts?

Rich: I like big boundary.

Dwight: Having appropriate boundaries with others (even including your children) makes for the best relationships.

 

Rich: Copy that.

Carla: Life is occurring as over the top - too many new things at once. Working on infrastructure to support next layer of growth. (Organizing)

Carla (January 15, 2021) [64-year-old American]

Dwight: Does that "over the top" mean loving the excitement and the energetic flow or the journey. Or does "over the top" mean overwhelmed and I've got to somehow get everything crammed in?

Carla: The latter. Gave up on trying to get everything crammed in. Moving some stuff off the plate altogether. Making breathing room to enjoy the process and put this great stuff to work!

Dwight: Good for you. This involves a fundamental re-prioritization of how we plan and design our life. Have you read "Is your life a buffet?" and "Lifestyle first; results second"?

Problem with spending more than 14:24

Keiko: I tended to spend more than 15mints for 14:24 and should stop soon after the timer for 14:24 expired.

-Keiko (January 14, 2021) [Japanese friend since the year 2000]

Dwight: If Keiko-Now is still enjoying reading after 14:24, and you have the extra time, of course, have fun continuing to explore and read. However, if Keiko-Now is ready to quit, then you've taken care of building your foundation for the day and you can enjoy going onto other things.

Journaling about dufear

 

Martin: I'm journaling again today on the non-obvious fears. I'll move on to other parts of the site tomorrow; this dufear piece is rich.

Dwight: It took me a long time to uncover all the places that dufear shows up in our lives. I'm sure there's some still hiding that I have found yet. LOL...

Happier than before

 

Dwight: Doing 14:24 consistently gently re-programs the machinery of your mind so that it’s more and more integrated increasingly “has you back” in everything that you want to have and to do and to feel. Can you understand how this would work?

Riki: Yes, I think I am happier than before, especially today, I am planning text review plan. Today I check out Getting Paid Twice and new fun video.

-Riki (January 12, 2021) [Chinese student]

I am not pleased with myself

 

Nick: I am at a point when I am self reflecting. I am looking at mistakes I made in recent years that I would never had done in the past. I am not pleased with myself. Actually, it struck me like lightning. Has this happened to others in this process of 14:24?

-Nick (January 11, 2021)

Dwight: When you say, "I am not pleased," consider that those are the automatic thoughts on the machinery of your mind that is interpreting whatever it sees in a critical way. Would you agree?

Nick: Yes, it lingers nonetheless. The faults developed from a lack of courage perhaps and resentment.

Dwight: Yes, it lingers. But you can see it as just an automatic interpretation of your machinery that stimulates suffering. Yes?

As such, you can use a process on it. I call it the "Byron Katie" process. Have you found that on my site yet?

Go to this link: https://www.askdwighthow.org/undoing-shoulds-stories

We humans almost always collapse the facts and stories. The facts by themselves never cause suffering. It's only our stories about that facts (that are most often not true) that create suffering. A quote from Byron Katie, "Reality is much kinder than your thoughts about it."

Nick: Thank you, Dwight

Dwight: Doing 14:24 consistently gently re-programs the machinery of your mind so that it’s more and more integrated increasingly “has you back” in everything that you want to have and to do and to feel. Can you understand how this would work?

Nick: I'm noticing a difference.

It seems your goal is to make everything fun. Fun seems odd to me.

Rich: It seems your goal is to make everything fun

-Rich (January 1, 2021)

Dwight: Why else do anything? If you don't, you're just delaying your reward into the future, which may or may not come as you planned. If you make it fun and enjoy the journey, then the results are icing on the cake.

And, in the big picture, you're more likely to get the results also...

Doing it the hard way is not the way to go...it very short-range thinking, at best.

Rich: It seems like the hard way has always been the right way. Fun seems odd to me.

Dwight: Yes, we humans have conflated "hard" and "right". Many people believe, "If it's easy, I must be doing something wrong."

Rich: I have always thought that.

Dwight: That's what the culture has taught us.

Rich: Life isn't supposed to be easy and fun.

Dwight: The old bankrupt ethics makes it seem that's got to be true.

It's like doctors thought blood-letting get people healthy for centuries.

They were dead wrong.

Rich: So you make everything fun? So there is nothing that you do that isn't fun?

Dwight: When I find that Dwight-Next thinks something is important to do that Dwight-Now doesn't think he is agreeable to (he would be tolerating it), then I stop and find a way for them both to be happy.

This is a very new process for almost everyone.

The Now-Next conflict has been the biggest issue of my life, but that started to change about 20 years ago (when I was 55 years old).

But today, almost everything is fun. And I get a lot done.

I have big responsibilities. But I've found ways to love the process and the journey.

Yes, I still have conflicts sometimes.

Rich: And you ask yourself how to make it fun?

Dwight: When I do, then I stop. And look for ways that Now and Next can both be happy.

Now-Next integrity is always the highest priority.

Rich: Back to the dual personality...

Dwight: You could call it that.

But I think it's just like two guys inside the "company of Dwight."

One guy, Dwight-Next, has the job of creating a great future, for me and others.

The other guy, Dwight-Now, has the job of loving and enjoying now.

They've both got essentials jobs.

So they need to find a way to work together, rather than fight with each other.

When they fight, that's not good for "the company of Dwight" and that's not good for Dwight-Next and Dwight-Now.

They both can get their jobs done better if they find ways to be on the same page. Right?!

Rich: Sure. I suppose so. I am having a hard time splitting into multiple people. I just talk to me. There has never been more than one me to talk to.

In my mind. When I think to myself, it's just this one guy. Sometimes I can talk out loud to him and it kinda becomes two people.

Dwight: Of, course you just "one guy."

Rich: I can not comprehend talking to multiple people in my mind.

Dwight: But you have different roles in life.

Fulfilling those different roles in ways that work together is much better than when they are fighting with each other.

One of those roles (as it is for everyone) is to avoid pain now and get pleasure now.

Another role is to have a great future.

And, as you know, there are two other roles also. Taking care of yourself. And finally the role of, "taking care of others."

The best life, for ourselves, as well as everyone we care about, is when these four "roles" at not at odds with each other...when they are actually working together instead of in conflict.

Rich: And you believe all those roles can desire the same thing and enjoy doing it?

Work is supposed to be hard. There can be some fun involved, but it can not be easy. If it is easy then I need to do something to make it hard.

In order to have an awesome future, you have to plan on some pain. No pain no gain. Success has to be hard and painful.

In my mind, in how i have believed my entire life, those four roles can not get along. They contradict themselves. They are always in turmoil.

Dwight: I know you've believed that your entire life.

And that's why you continue to suffer. I believed that most of my life also.

But, step by step, I discovered a new way. Using the old way, everyone does the best they can.

Just like before automobiles were invented, everyone did the best they could getting around on foot and by horseback. But, now we automobiles, trains, airplanes, and all the other new ways we've learned to do things, physically, life so much easier and better.

We've made vast changes in going from hard to easy in what we're able to do in our physical world. But most of us all still stuck back before farming was invented when it comes to our mental/emotional world.

Rich: I got all that.

Dwight: You could insist on not learning the new way. You're used to the old way.

Rich: What I just told you, I just now discovered that about me.

Dwight: The new way seems "wrong" to you.

Rich: The new way seems very wrong.

Dwight: Just like when doctors were first told to wash their hands so they wouldn't spread disease to their patients. It seemed so wrong and unnecessary to them.

Rich: Very stupid wrong.

Dwight: They weren't stupid. They were just used to the old way, even though it killed many people. New ways often seem very strange (and even impossible) when we first learn about them.

Rich: Agreed.

Dwight: Can you imagine how people must have felt when they first learned that you could speak your voice over a wire in a way that made your voice heard instantly over miles away?

Rich: Baby steps.

Dwight: Absolutely. inch by inch, life's a cinch....yard by yard, life is hard.

Rich: I am also a product. Of instant gratification. I wanted what you told me to work instantly. Like magic. It takes my mind a while to grasp new things.

Much of what you have told me so far, my mind tells me it's bullshit. Then somewhat later, it starts to believe it might be possible.

Dwight: What you've noticed is that, as long as Rich-Now and Rich-Next are generally at war with each other, then Rich-Next will dominate, then Rich-Now will dominate...going back and forth.

And when one or the other dominates (without partnership with the other), then big costs are incurred.

Rich: It's like a computer processor, it take in information and processes in the background while I live my life. Then all of a sudden it will come up with an answer and bring it to my fire thought.

 

And you get them to work together how?

Dwight: The NNI toolkit, and the CCC toolkit.

In those toolkits you can find the ways to get them working together and supporting each other.

Also, check out this link (and the ones right after it)...they give a good overview of the relationship between Now and Next, okay?

Rich: Okay.

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