It's About Something You Did

See karaoke room It's About Something You Did (2:53)

Dwight:
I’ve been thinking about an idea called "It's About Something You Did." It builds off of "It's Not About You," where we realize that when someone blames us, it’s about a false image of us, not who we really are.

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Aiko:
I love that, Dwight — so after realizing it’s not about us, you’re saying we can start to notice if our behavior still played a role in what happened?

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Dwight:
Exactly. And it’s important to remember that innumerable times someone's behavior truly has nothing to do with us. For example, what the President of Vietnam or President Trump does — that's not about me. Even with people we interact with, their reaction could be mostly their own stuff. Or sometimes, even if my behavior influenced it, I genuinely might not have known what I could’ve done differently even with some forethought.

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Aiko:
That humility really keeps the reflection honest. It sounds like there’s a balance between not taking things personally and being open to learning from it.

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Dwight:
Yes. But is it not a balance. They are distinct phenomena, although not taking things personally will aid in our ability to learn. More often than we think, we can anticipate how our knee-jerk reactions — especially defensive ones — will likely trigger an undesired response. This awareness can definitely be learned, step by step, even if it doesn’t become totally "second nature."

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Aiko:
It’s like learning to be the editor of our expressions before hitting "send." Would you want to give an example?

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Dwight:
Sure. I had a client, David, who told me about a unpleasant dialogue with his wife. She accused him of being selfish and not considering her stress. David replied, "But, honey, I was thinking of you! I even asked how I could help!" His wife snapped back, "See! You’re not really hearing me!"

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Aiko:
Oh wow, that’s such a real moment — you can almost feel how both sides just miss each other.

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Dwight:
Exactly. I asked David if he could see how his response sounded defensive, almost like a counter-attack. He could, but he wanted to justify it even to me!
Then I suggested he might have replied differently:
"You could be right. I'd like to understand better. Could you share more about how I've been insensitive to how stressful things have been for you?"
Tone and body language would be crucial too.
He agreed that a reply like that probably would’ve led to a much better exchange.

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Aiko:
It feels like such a simple shift — but it would have changed the emotional weather between them completely.

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Dwight:
Yes — and this all ties into the idea of being 100% responsible for the quality of our relationships. When we subtly shift blame onto the other person, we give up access to influence.
But, setting boundaries and taking care of ourselves remains the first job — there’s no conflict between these two principles; they reinforce each other beautifully.

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Aiko:
Owning the relationship and owning our own needs at the same time — it’s such a powerful practice.