Dwight: I want to explore the topic “Love Yourself First: But How?”

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Aiko: That’s a strong place to start—before tactics, we should clarify what “love yourself” actually means and what it doesn’t, because most confusion begins there.

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Dwight: I imagine that if I asked people who emphasize the importance of this—and I agree with them—they wouldn’t really give a “how,” but would instead swap in phrases like “be kind to yourself” or “have compassion for yourself.” Or they might offer a bit more guidance by saying things like, “Notice the unkind thoughts you’re having about yourself—would you say those things to another person, or to the little child inside you?”

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Aiko: Yes—and that’s exactly the gap: those responses point in a direction, but they don’t tell you what to do when you’re actually stuck inside the self-criticism. 

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Dwight: Before I explain what I think is necessary in order to “love yourself,” I’m asking whether you’re aware of any other approaches that go beyond slogans and actually describe concrete processes or actions that would lead someone to love themselves more.

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Aiko: Yes—there are a few that get more concrete, like self-trust through keeping small promises to yourself, values-based action, boundary-setting as a behavioral practice, and repairing the self-relationship through accountability rather than self-forgiveness alone.

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Dwight: I want to build a more comprehensive, action-based approach for what’s necessary to consistently take actions that lead to loving yourself more, and I want you to play devil’s advocate so I’m forced to make the guidelines solid.

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Aiko: Deal—and I’ll push on vagueness, loopholes, and “sounds good but collapses under stress.” Start by stating your first guideline.

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Dwight: There is a foundational truth that must be understood—even if it isn’t always acted on—before anyone can consistently take actions that result in self-love. I’ve already established this elsewhere: everyone’s number-one job is to take care of themselves, both short-term and long-term. And while how to do that is another question, the best way to take care of yourself overall often includes cooperating with others who are also selfishly focused on taking care of themselves.

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Aiko: I’ll push here: many people hear “your #1 job is to take care of yourself” and either reject it as immoral or misuse it to justify impulsive, short-term relief—so how does your foundation avoid collapsing into guilt or rationalized self-sabotage?

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Dwight: If someone focuses only on short-term self-care and ignores the long term, conflicts with others are likely. But when someone includes both short-term and long-term interests, it’s almost impossible to show a necessary conflict with other people’s short-term and long-term interests.

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Aiko: The logic holds, but here’s the pressure test: people often misjudge their own long-term interests under fear or scarcity—so how does your framework handle distorted self-assessment without sneaking in an external moral authority?

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Dwight: Since I’ve already addressed these issues thoroughly with you in another suite—at least on this premise—I want to skip you playing devil’s advocate on this point, but continue doing so for everything else.

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Aiko: Got it—the premise stands as given. Go ahead and lay out what follows from it as the next necessary condition for consistently acting in ways that build self-love.

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Dwight: The reason we aren’t already loving ourselves—which I’d argue is our default state—is that we’ve adopted beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” along with self-criticisms rooted in the idea that we should be different than we are or act differently than we do. By “should,” I don’t mean conditional guidance like “if you want X, do Y,” but moralized self-directed shoulds that create suffering by framing us as bad or insufficient.

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Aiko: That’s a clear second pillar. The next thing to clarify is whether these beliefs are simply false ideas to be challenged, or protective strategies that once served self-care and now interfere with it—because that distinction will shape the actions you’re about to propose.

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Dwight: Even though it can help to see that these “shoulds” are grounded mainly in trying to win certain people’s praise and avoid their criticism or disappointment, the way to undo them at a gut level is to repeatedly choose courage—embracing the energy of fear—and take actions that serve taking care of yourself even if it risks blame or losing praise.

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Aiko: Devil’s advocate: this is powerful, but it could turn into reactive defiance. How will your guidelines distinguish courageous self-care from compulsive rebellion or reckless social damage?

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Dwight: This isn’t about denying that we care how we occur to others or pretending we don’t prefer praise over blame. The courage I’m talking about is staying grounded in what serves you best. It includes choosing not to unnecessarily provoke anger or lose praise, because reactivity itself is sub-optimal.

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Aiko: Good—so courage here is discernment under fear, not opposition. That means the next piece must explain how someone builds that capacity when fear is already flooding the system.

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Dwight: You build it step-by-step. In almost all cases, you can break it down so that each day you choose a little more courage—making requests, saying no, holding boundaries, staying quiet, or being more self-expressed—in service of your self-interest. From the outside it looks like increasing courage, but internally it feels like the same increment each day because yesterday’s stretch becomes today’s normal.

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Aiko: Devil’s advocate: “a little more each day” can become a guilt machine or lead to burnout. What’s your rule for pacing, backslides, and knowing when the “next level” is wise rather than compulsive?

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Dwight: When that becomes an issue, you choose courage with that fear too—by breathing deeply and loudly, slowly, and playfully saying, “Oh my God, I’m so scared that if others knew, they’d blame me for not being consistent enough at this whole ‘having fun with my fear’ process!” and then patting yourself on the back for choosing courage.

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Aiko: That’s clever—it collapses meta-shame by making fear explicit and embodied. The key is to make clear that the point isn’t performance or catharsis, but restoring agency so you can return to self-directed action.

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Dwight: Let’s not frame this as a ritual. Each time it’s done for real: even though it’s exaggerated and light, it’s genuinely embracing the actual fear present, not hiding it or dismissing it.

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Aiko: That distinction matters—it keeps the practice honest. Self-love here grows from meeting real fear in the body and still choosing self-care, not from polishing a technique.

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Dwight: Opportunities to choose courage show up every day, often in surprising ways—like wanting to take a short break but hearing a nagging thought saying “don’t be so lazy.” In that case, you take the break while breathing deeply and saying out loud, “Holy Moly and Jeepers Weepers, I am so scared that others, if they knew, might blame me for taking a break!”

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Aiko: This grounds the theory: self-love becomes a micro-decision under mild fear. The remaining edge is whether you want an explicit check—“does this serve my short- and long-term care?”—so it can’t be confused with undermining indulgence.

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Dwight: When you say “the self,” it sounds like you’re referring to the part whose job is to take care of the future—but what about the self whose job is to enjoy now, which usually isn’t the self we identify as?

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Aiko: Exactly—this is where many models fail. Your framework points toward coordination, not dominance: self-love isn’t siding with future-self against present-self, but refusing to sacrifice or shame either.

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Dwight: There will be many opportunities to choose courage that help create more integrity between our Next-self and our Now-self, not just between ourselves and others—and this ongoing process is what expresses increasing self-love.

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Aiko: That’s a strong synthesis: self-love becomes the lived reduction of internal betrayal across time. Naming the signals—tension, resentment, dread—could help people recognize where integrity between Now and Next is breaking down and courage is being invited.