Hear me out

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Give me an opportunity to explain myself. 

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Actually, I will make an even stronger statement, "If everyone in the world were to consistently act to serve their own self-interests, it would lead to a significantly improved global living environment and foster the best possible relationships for all."

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Since most disagreements in the world would dissolve if we were to clearly distinguish (both for ourselves and with others) the meaning of the words (which are tokens for meanings) we use, let me distinguish my use of the word "selfish" or "selfishness."

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"Selfish" as a token

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Selfish: to act consistently in service to one's own benefits and self-interests.

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Unlike other possible distinctions of the token "selfish," this distinction does not include or imply that acting in service to one's own self-interest would necessarily mean acting against the self-interests of others. It also does not say anything about whether our self-interests are short-term (the ones our Now is more likely to go for) or long-term (the ones our Next is responsible for).

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Whenever I have heard arguments against the idea of being selfish (whether made by my clients or presented by an author), I've always been able to show that whoever was "being selfish" was acting to serve their short-term selfish interest but was not acting selfishly long-term. They were not being selfish enough.

Their selfish behavior was short-sighted.

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The problem is not selfishness. The problem is lack of Now-Next Integrity which then contributes to a lack of Oneself-Others Integrity.

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When we label these behaviors as selfish, we perpetuate and reinforce that lack of Integrity.

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Understanding how this works in everyday life

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ChatGPT reports that the 34% of American workers experience a good level of job satisfaction, which is higher than the world's average. That leaves about 66% dissatisfied in their work.

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Given the fact that most of us spend almost half of our waking life on the job and that the purpose of life is to feel happy and satisfied, why are so many of us unsuccessful in finding happiness and satisfaction in our jobs?

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The answer lies in the world-wide acceptance of The Old Ethics of Sacrifice, which continues to dominate our life decisions despite more modern ideas of happiness and creating mutually win-win relationships.

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The Old Ethics of Sacrifice, not only lionizes sacrificing now for the future ("no pain, no gain," "true grit," and "life is hard"), it also honors those long-suffering souls who supposedly dedicate themselves to sacrifice their own joy and happiness (think Mother Terese, the parent who does everything for their kids, or the soldier who falls on a hand-grenade to save his comrades) for the benefit of others or for doing what others expect of them (looking good and not looking bad).

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Prioritizing results (survival?) over the process

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When we are taught to consistently sacrifice now for the future, it's no wonder we pay little attention to the journey and setting things up so that we're likely to enjoy the process. When we plan a project, make a promise about how we are going to eat, or itemize (on a list or in our heads) the things we "got to get done today," we never stop to consider how we're going to enjoy the journey and the process. 

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"Getting things done" ends up feeling like "we gotta survive."

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Given this life orientation of prioritizing results (one of which is money) over the journey...

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When it comes to the issue of choosing our job or discovering a career path, we often prioritize "safety" and "security" and "looking good to others" and "doing what we gotta do" and "being comfortable" over our love of the journey (the everyday process of doing our job). It's a wonder the national job satisfaction level isn't even lower than 34%.

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At previous times in history and maybe even for some people in the world today who are in danger of starving, I might agree that it could be important to temporarily de-prioritize enjoying the daily process of one's job. But for anyone who is likely to be reading this now, that does not apply. Survival has been handled. After we have enough to eat, everything else is a game that we should set up so we're enjoying the everyday process of playing that game. Especially when we're just starting out in a new job or career, it's helpful to minimize our expenses (I can show Americans how to eat healthfully for $8 a day), so that we have the fullest flexibility in finding and/or doing our job in ways that we love.

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Neglecting the short-term in prioritizing the long-term is short-term acting

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Even though we can validly say that we are following the idea of sacrificing the short-term over the long-term when we end up working in jobs that we don't love, the fact is that the long-term is also sacrificed because the everyday short-term (loving the journey) has been given short shrift. 

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What does this have to do with being selfish? In attempting to take care of ourselves long-term, but neglecting to take care of ourselves short-term we end up not being very good at taking care of ourselves both long-term and short-term. 

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In addition, our behavior toward others (our bosses, our colleagues, our reports, our customers) can occur as "selfish" because we feel like we're just doing what we have to do in order to survive. If we were loving our job, it's much less likely that we would occur this way to others.

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Lack of being selfish enough in relationships

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I know a guy who loves his wife dearly. Often, however, he doesn't pay attention to what he needs or wants in a given situation and he goes out of his way to "support his wife" and "be a good husband." Then, when he's over-extended himself, especially if his wife doesn't seem to appreciate the extra things he is doing for her or she doesn't reciprocate in ways that he thinks she should, he feels hurt, unloved, and taken advantage of. 

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By not ensuring that he is selfishly taking care of himself in his relationship with his wife, not only does he hurt himself, he ends up hurting his wife and damaging his relationship with her. He needs to be MORE selfish.