Good boundaries: the basics

Good boundaries: the basics

Wise quotes

“Good fences make good neighbors.”

-Robert Frost

“Love your neighbor; yet don’t pull down your hedge.”

-Benjamin Franklin

"You get what you tolerate."

-Henry Cloud

"Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”

-Doreen Virtue

"Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment."

-Brene Brown

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others."

-Brene Brown

"You have the right to say 'no' without feeling guilty."

-Manual J. Smith

Even though it sounds simple, setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries takes a lot of wisdom

This is especially true with our relationships that mean the most to us: our family, more specifically children and parents, our romantic partner, and our friends. Having good boundaries can also be an issue with bosses, reports, partners, colleagues, and other business relationships.

Personally, I still had problems setting appropriate boundaries with intimate relationships up until I was 53 years old.

Why is the boundary issue so problematic for many of us?

problem #1: we'll feel guilty (these problems are not in any particular order)

The title of Manual J. Smith's best-selling book, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" says it well. And the fundamental reason we feel guilty is because we've accepted the basic ethical, religious, and societal messages that we should put others before ourselves. That ethics makes it impossible to create and maintain good boundaries with others. That's why creating Oneself-Others integrity (see the OOI toolkit) is fundamental to being able to know how to create appropriate boundaries with others.

problem #2: we're trying to prove something

For me, my identity was attached to "being a good guy" or to "being a loving husband." When you're trying to prove something, like you're a "good person," a "fair person," a "kind person," a "tolerant person," and so on, then creating good boundaries with others where you're taking care of yourself, and also the relationship, especially long-term, easily becomes secondary.

problem #3: the battles between your Now and your Next will make the "boundaries" you create inconsistently applied and often not good boundaries anyway

A client recently told me that his nine-year-old granddaughter, who's living with him and his wife, lost/misplaced her smartwatch. Rather impetuously he told her, "There's no TV for you until you've found your smartwatch." Later that evening he was feeling guilty for having put his foot down so hard and his granddaughter begged him to let her watch a show with him. He acquiesced.

Without a certain level of Now-Next integrity (see the NNI toolkit), creating Oneself-Others integrity is often impossible.

problem #4: we don't know how to set boundaries in a respectful and non-defensive way

It might be as simple as saying, "A part of me would prefer not to set this boundary, but I don't know how to take care of myself and also take care of our relationship without doing this, at least for now. Do you have any other ideas that might be helpful?" With more important relationships, you might consider engaging in the Partnership Conversation.

problem #5: we're attached to being with someone or frightened we'll lose something we can't do without

Being attached to someone or something means you're not willing to feel the fear and take the risk that you might lose that someone or thing. You're willing to blind yourself in terms of what makes sense to do in taking care of yourself and your life, especially in the bigger picture. It often includes trying to prove something, indulging in expectations, frequently topped off with some perfectionism. Use Choosing courage, Undoing fear, Unproving, Undoing expectations, and Undoing perfectionism.

problem #6: we're deeply addicted to messing in other people's business and neglecting our own

People think that attending to the problems of others is a substitute for taking care of their own problems and even shows that they are a "good person." The results end up being the opposite. Not only do they create an atmosphere of disrespect with others, but they severely limit their own power in creating a great life for themselves and being an example to be learned from, if others are so inclined.

problem #7: we haven't developed the skills that are more likely to result in creating and maintaining the best boundaries, not only for you but also for others with you

These include the skills of saying "no" easily, respectfully, and effectively, the skills of making requests easily, respectfully, and effectively, as well as the skills of having a partnership attitude and creating Partnership Conversations with others, when appropriate.

problem #8: we're careless in either setting boundaries where we don't need the other person's cooperation in order to maintain them or we won't be willing to maintain that boundary when the time comes

Don't fight with reality. Some boundaries you don't need cooperation. For example, you will not give your kids money except for certain types of expenses. For others, like "I will not accept when you raise your voice with me," you can make a request they not raise their voice, but you cannot directly enforce that. You could most likely excuse yourself from the environment if they did raise their voice. When you set boundaries, be clear that you setting them for the purpose of taking care of yourself and your relationship with the person, not that you're trying to punish, control or teach the other person something.

problem #9: we think of a boundary as being "forever," which may not be necessary or appropriate

Boundaries can change depending on the passage of time or new circumstances or new perspectives. Boundaries can be experimented with to see which ones might work better, for yourself and for the other person. Although boundaries can be created unilaterally, it's often better to create boundaries in partnership, if possible.

The benefits of appropriate boundaries

Without establishing and maintaining good boundaries, and ultimately only you can assess what are the best boundaries with each person who is in or out of your life, the chances of you having great relationships with others is dismal.

Good boundaries are the foundations of mutual benefit, respect, goodwill, liking, and love with everyone else in the world. To add an important point, good boundaries with those you care the most about is the cornerstone of having great relationships.

AskDwightHow.org 365/24/7

14m 24s