"Good Guys" Make "Bad Guys" Possible

 

The relationship between so-called "good guys" and "bad guys" is often framed in stark moral terms, where the former are noble and self-sacrificing while the latter are selfish and manipulative. However, a deeper examination reveals a troubling dynamic: the "bad guys" are almost always able to persist in their behavior precisely because the "good guys" enable them, whether consciously or not.

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If you set good boundaries and say "no" when you need to say "no", letting go of defensiveness, they'll be no need for bad guys​

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One key factor in this phenomenon is the failure of the "good guys" to set firm boundaries. Many people who pride themselves on being generous, forgiving, and unwavering in their commitments do not say no or maintain boundaries in a way that ensures they are still taking care of themselves in their relationships. They fear that by asserting their needs, they will cease to be "good" in the eyes of others (and even in their own eyes). This need to prove their virtue—whether as a forgiving spouse, a devoted parent, or a reliable friend—often leads them to tolerate and even facilitate the very behavior that victimizes them.

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Fully responsible for handling your #1 job in life​

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At the core of this issue is the fundamental truth that everyone's number one job is to take care of themselves. The so-called "good guys" frequently neglect this responsibility, mistakenly believing that self-sacrifice is a virtue. However, true goodness does not mean abandoning one's own well-being for the sake of others. It means having the courage to set and maintain boundaries, being okay with however things turn out, and being willing to walk away if necessary in order to always take care of oneself and have the best possible relationship with others.

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​My mother created a "bad guy" by trying to be such a "good guy"

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Consider the case of my mother. After leaving my father, she often lamented the terrible things he had done to her. At one point, I told her, "Mama, you let him do all those things." She agreed, but rather than recognizing her role in enabling the dynamic, she saw herself as a victim. While she undoubtedly suffered, the reality is that her willingness to endure mistreatment, rather than enforcing boundaries, allowed my father’s behavior to continue. This is not to blame her or him for their actions, but rather to highlight how a refusal to set and maintain boundaries can reinforce the cycle of continuing to neglect her own needs. It is crucial that the "good guys" do not allow things to build up. The idea that being willing to tolerate something is a good idea is grossly mistaken; it indicates a miscarriage of taking care of oneself. If necessary, she should have been willing to leave my father as soon as she had the evidence that she could not remain married to him and still take care of herself—without any feeling that my father was doing anything wrong.

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​My client created a "bad guy" son by insisting on being a "good father"

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This same pattern plays out in parental relationships as well. I have a client who repeatedly bails out his grown son, whether it’s covering his rent or giving him money for gas so he can get to work. While this may seem like an act of parental love, the real issue is that my client is being irresponsible by not prioritizing taking care of himself. He continues to put his son's needs above his own well-being, which ultimately harms both of them. Rather than enabling his son, his focus should be on maintaining his own financial and emotional stability, trusting that his son will either learn to take care of himself or face the natural consequences of his own actions.

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The "good guys" are victims of their own behavior yet point the finger outward​

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The "bad guys" are not successful because they are particularly strong, clever, or even intentionally malicious. Instead, they thrive because the "good guys" fail to prioritize taking care of themselves. By failing to establish and enforce boundaries, those who see themselves as generous and forgiving often become the very victims of the people they are trying to help. True goodness must include the courage to say, "No, I don't see a way to do this and still take care of myself," rather than endlessly trying to prove one’s virtue through suffering. It requires the courage to face the risk that others may see them as "bad" simply because they have chosen to prioritize their own well-being.

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​The "good guys" are the real "bad guys"

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If every "good guy" consistently maintained their number one responsibility of taking care of themselves, it is entirely possible that there would be no more "bad guys." Without people to enable them, those who manipulate, take advantage, or behave without consideration for others' self-interest, would have no choice but to either change their ways or face the natural consequences of their actions. The world would no longer be divided into "good" and "bad," but instead filled with people who understand that true goodness is inseparable from self-respect and personal responsibility. We would have a win-win world.

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Since the position of victimhood is so coveted, everyone will try to get their turn​

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So far, we have discussed these dynamics as if there are clear distinctions between who is "good" and who is "bad." However, in reality, these roles often shift depending on the relationship or situations within the same relationship. In almost all interactions, each person sees themselves as the "good guy"—the one who is giving more, sacrificing more, or being more fair. Meanwhile, they may view the other person as the "bad guy" who is taking advantage, being selfish, or not giving enough in return. The truth is that most people oscillate between these roles in different relationships and contexts, reinforcing the importance of maintaining boundaries and prioritizing self-care rather than getting caught up in labels of good and bad.