You can use force or influence to cause behavior change . Force is quicker but you pay for that speed with the loss of connection and sustainability.

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A manager’s core responsibility is to create leaders who then evoke action in others.

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Distinction A Desired End State is a description from a specific perspective of the emotional states we want to create and the emotional states we want to avoid .

 

Distinction Language is a highly effective tool that humans use to coordinate action , dependent on a shared background of experience .

 

If you want to be an effective leader , you have to be an astute observer ( and practitioner ) of words and actions — both your own and those of others — because effective language is not passive . It is an active tool for action .

 

The meaning that we ascribe to the words we use and hear shapes the world that we experience , beginning with our relationships to other people and extending into every facet of life . Having precision with our words and listening for meaning from others makes better communication and coordination possible . Lack of intention around the words we use and listening only for what we want to hear creates confusion , struggle , and strife .

 

When I say intentional communication , I mean impeccably precise , painfully specific word choices .

 

Distinction The functional level of a team is determined by the size of their commitments and their consistency in holding them . High - functioning teams make big commitments and hold them all the time and low - functioning teams don’t make commitments or fail to hold the ones they make .

 

In order to ensure ownership and efficiency of communication we are going to share an elegant linguistic tool : To help remove the risk that you’ve ineffectively communicated , utilize a simple follow - up question : “ What did you hear me say ? ”

 

Whether you are talking to your wife or your business partner , make an agreement ahead of time that each of you is allowed at any point in time to ask the other person , “ What did you hear me say ? ”

 

Where definitions are descriptive , distinctions are functional .

 

We can pay now in time spent honing our language skills , or we can pay later in uncoordinated action , conflicts , and a lack of accountability .

Reconstruction

 

If you want to accomplish a lot of stuff , by all means , follow that pattern . The harder you struggle today , the more accomplishment you’ll have tomorrow . It’s true . But in the end , if you’ve struggled your entire life for a bunch of accomplishments but never felt the joy and satisfaction and experience of being truly successful … What’s the fucking point ?

 

True success is not a future reward . It’s a daily experience . If you can let go of the struggle long enough to optimize your daily experience — not on vacation or on the rare day off , but in a way that’s truly sustainable — you can experience success right now . And not just now , but in the future as well .

 

Distinction Success is an optimized daily experience that’s sustainable over time .

 

When people come to us for help , we ask ourselves very different questions , too : Is this something that is going to lead to the emotional state that I want to feel ? Is this going to lead to the emotional state that we want to feel as a couple and as a team ? If the answer is no , then our answer is no . Even if it means turning down a lot of money or missing out on that next achievement .

 

The incredible thing is , if the money doesn’t come , who gives a shit ? We’re happy every day , and we can keep being happy for the foreseeable future because we have focused on making this happiness sustainable over time . Success comes first , and if achievements follow , it’s icing on the cake .

 

Your success in life is 100 percent dependent on your ability to coordinate action with others .

 

Distinction A team is two or more individuals that coordinate action to create a different future .

 

Distinction Trauma results from being in an environment where I perceive that I do not have the control to keep myself safe .

 

Distinction Value is something of relative importance , utility , and worth .

 

Distinction Purpose is that which drives toward a specific end .

 

What’s the purpose of the team ? What are the purposes of your teammates ? What’s your role on the team ? What are the roles of your teammates ? What is the assessment of worth for the fulfillment of those roles ? What are the key actions necessary to produce that assessment of worth ?

 

“I’ve been reading this amazing book by a Navy SEAL who says that high - functioning teams must be clear on three things : the purpose of the team , my role within the team , and the value I bring to the team . I want to take actions that are consistently aligned with those things , but I’m not clear on what some of them are . This is what I think our team’s purpose is , what my role is , what value I bring to the team , and what valuable actions I must hold . Am I on track ? ”

 

When I do reviews with my team members , I start every assessment with the same question : What do you expect from me on a consistent basis ?

 

Distinctions Connection is represented by the link between two entities that determines their effect on each other . Authenticity is knowing your truth and acting in accordance with it . Vulnerability is knowing your limitations and having the courage to share them . Trust is living in the inherent goodness of another , choosing to act in connection instead of defense .

 

My perception is my reality ; therefore , when I change my perception I change my world .

 

Distinction Behavior is represented by groups of observable and predictable actions .

 

The new paradigm says that focusing solely on piling up accomplishments makes it impossible for us to experience success — an optimized daily experience that’s sustainable over time .

 

Distinction Mindset is the filter that controls how you experience your world and act in it .

 

Distinction Perception is the two - way bridge between your sensing body and your understanding mind .

 

Distinction Mindset is the filter by which we change our perception of our world .

 

Distinction Control is illustrated power in a given situation .

 

Distinction Self - regulation is the use of intention to control our behavior or thoughts .

Application

 

The primary role of a leader is to evoke effective action in others . The primary role of a follower is to be in effective action toward the Desired End State .

 

Distinctions Leadership is creating an environment that evokes followers into effective action .

 

Distinction Management is fostering an environment that creates , enables and supports lead - followers toward the Desired End State .

 

Everyone led except our managers ; they empowered leadership .

 

If the role of a manager is to create , enable , and support leaders , the next question to ask is what behaviors are critical for creating , enabling , and supporting leaders ? Here are the three that deserve attention : Create and communicate a clear Desired End State . Create , support , and enable leadership . Be a safety net in case of failure .

 

Distinction Culture is represented by groups of observable and predictable actions .

 

The Golden Rule of Leadership Do not lead the way you want to be led , lead to the functional level of your team .

 

Distinction Planning is represented by all the activities that prepare us for coordinated action toward a Desired End State .

 

Mike Tyson once said , “ Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face . ” That’s not true if you plan to get punched in the face .

 

It happened because we never failed to plan and always planned to fail ,

 

The purest form of leadership is the ability to evoke effective action in others naturally , without force .

 

We never failed to plan , yet we always planned to fail .