Stepping outside of the HOGAB

0frogstep.jpg

What reasons do we have to believe that we can step outside the HOGAB (to undo the eating of the apple)?

 

  • I have done it (and am doing it). I have watched my clients and my friends do it, to varying degrees. Earlier in my life, I was deeply addicted to staying in the HOGAB and had no idea how toxic its environment was.  (see Problems I no longer have)

  • Many great leaders and diverse thinkers (Lao Tzu, Rumi, Werner Erhard, Byron Katie, and the Dalai Lama, to name a few), although not explicitly promoting the New Ethics (an Ethics that does not rely on internal resistance and villainization), these thinkers nevertheless promulgate a way of being in the world that is without righteousness and recognizes happiness as the ultimate value.

Towards the New Ethics (dismantling the HOGAB).

0stepby.jpg

It’s always step by step. The Old Ethics is deep. It’s culturalized. Our identity is validated by it. It has a lot of short-term payoffs that help to keep the HOGAB stitched together. We get social approval and validation from it. In short, we are addicted along with almost everyone else. Each step in undoing the Old Ethics often includes choosing courage, making friends with your fear. It involves questioning deep-seated beliefs about what is “good” and “bad.” Take it step by step. With each step notice the new benefits, both for yourself and others, notice the new peace and the new aliveness.

 

Making friends with your fear

 

The one most powerful, yet simplest technique for undoing shoulds is turning dufear (dammed-up or resisted fear) into energy and confidence with the Undoing Fear process.

 

The Undoing Fear process takes the suffering out of resisted fear by transforming your dufear into unresisted fear (giving you energy and confidence).

 

Dufear has many expressions (several of which are not obviously caused by dufear): 

 

  • worry, 

  • anxiety, 

  • depression, 

  • cynicism, 

  • resignation, 

  • guilt, 

  • regret, 

  • shame, 

  • blame, 

  • perfectionism, 

  • obsessiveness, 

  • any upset (from frustrated expectations), 

  • overwhelm, 

  • stress, 

  • indecisiveness, 

  • impulsiveness, 

  • procrastination, 

  • over-controlling, 

  • lying, 

  • lack of self-expression, 

  • boredom, 

  • complaining, 

  • impatience, 

  • defensiveness, 

  • intolerance, 

  • over-protectiveness, 

  • jealousy, 

  • arrogance, 

  • rudeness, 

  • ingratitude, 

  • not enough time, 

  • not enough money, 

  • poor relationships, 

  • stubbornness, 

  • inflexibility, 

  • rebelliousness, and 

  • feeling life is meaningless.

Dufear

Dufear can set up shop anywhere and at any time

 

Dufear is most often chronic, so chronic that we’re not aware of the energy it’s draining from us all the time. Imagine driving a car where the brakes are stuck and grinding as you try to drive. That’s the way most of us go through our lives, in chronic resistance to fear.

 

Check out how many of these worries (all dufears) fit you often or sometimes...

 

I’m "worried" that you’re not going to read all 283+ items in this list and/or you think I'm being too pedantic (LOL)...

You're worried about...

0worryguy.jpg
  • AI and the coming singularity

  • EMS

  • GMO

  • a falling out with someone

  • a government law being changed or repealed

  • a government law not being passed

  • anti-GMO

  • attracting attention

  • being ostracized

  • being abandoned

  • being alone in the dark

  • being frightened

  • being in pain

  • being irritable

  • being molested or approached inappropriately

  • being on the street

  • being out of time

  • being overweight (fat)

  • being too thin

  • corruption

  • crime

  • dying

  • doing your taxes

  • earthquakes or volcanoes

  • eviction

  • failing

  • feeling complacent

  • feeling out of control

  • feeling too close to another

  • finding someone to hire for a job

  • finding the right life partner

  • firing someone

  • getting a divorce

  • getting a new/right job

  • getting an STD

  • getting caught for something

  • getting depressed

  • getting hurt

  • getting intimate with someone

  • getting killed

  • getting married

  • getting old

  • getting pregnant

  • getting sick

  • ghosts

  • global warming

  • going to jail

  • having enough money

  • having enough sex

  • higher taxes

  • how you look and whether you’re attractive

  • hurricanes, typhoons, and tornadoes

  • hurting others

  • knowing what to say

  • lack of sex

  • life being meaningless

  • life-work balance

  • looking at your finances

  • losing a friend

  • losing your desire for things

  • losing your job

  • losing your self

  • making new friends

  • making requests

  • making the best decision (indecisiveness)

  • meeting your targets and goals

  • money

  • more government regulation

  • never getting married

  • not being able to be intimate with another

  • not belonging

  • not getting attention

  • not getting pregnant

  • not having enough to eat

  • others controlling or trying to control you

  • others getting upset with you

  • overly sensitive women

  • overpopulation

  • paying the rent or mortgage

  • pollution

  • poverty in the world (yours or others)

  • saying “no” to someone

  • setting the right priorities

  • sexist men

  • spending too much

  • strangers 

  • stress

  • talking with strangers (shyness)

  • the pro-choice people

  • the pro-life people

  • the Supreme Court

  • the alt-right

  • the anti-EMS people

  • the anti-vaxxers

  • the conservatives

  • the country

  • the dangers of vaccination

  • the economy

  • the future of the world

  • the liberals

  • the progressives

  • the threat to democracy

  • the unknown

  • the weather

  • things will get too good and then you might lose them

  • under population

  • using technology

  • war or WW III

  • what will happen after you die

  • what will happen if you don’t worry

  • what you did in the past

  • what you’ll regret in the future

  • whether you made the right decision

  • whether you’ll ever be happy

  • whether you’re happy

  • whether you’re with the right person

  • who will take care of you when you get old

  • world peace

  • worrying

  • what others think of you

  • you or the country having to support all the old people

  • your bad habits

  • your business failing

  • your children and whether you’re raising them right

  • your debt

  • your friends

  • your future

  • your health and your fitness

  • your low energy levels

  • your parents

  • your pets

  • the safety of your children

You’re worried that...

  • a secret will get out

  • important others will change their values or beliefs

  • life has passed you by

  • life or others will disappoint you

  • no one will ever love you

  • others are blaming you or would blame you (guilt)

  • others are keeping things from you

  • others don’t like you

  • others don’t love you

  • others don’t see you as sexy

  • others only want/like you for your looks

  • others only want/like you for your money

  • others only want/like you for your status

  • others think you’re a bad person

  • others will be disrespectful to you

  • others will be offended by you

  • others will be rude to you

  • others will bore you

  • others will disappoint you (not meet your expectations)

  • others will feel disrespected by you

  • others will get angry with you

  • others will gossip about you

  • others will need you too much

  • others will not think you are friendly enough

  • others will think you’re not generous enough

  • others will offend you

  • others will think you’re a cheater

  • others will think you’re a liar

  • others will think you’re a loser

  • others will think you’re cold-hearted

  • others will think you’re foolish

  • others will think you’re not doing your duty

  • others will think you’re not loyal

  • others will think you’re unkind or cruel

  • others will treat you unfairly

  • others won’t accept you the way you are

  • others won’t know how much you love them

  • others won’t love you the way you are

  • others won’t need you

  • others won’t see you as special

  • others won’t tell you what they are thinking

  • others won’t think you’re a good Christian, or a good Muslim, or a good Hindu, or a good Mormon

  • others won’t think you’re a good Republican

  • others won't think you're a good Democrat 

  • others won’t think you’re a good environmentalist

  • others won't think you're a good feminist

  • others won’t think you’re a loyal American

  • some people can’t be reasoned with

  • someone is avoiding you

  • someone is not loyal or won’t be loyal

  • someone will betray you

  • someone will disobey you

  • someone will hate you

  • someone will lie to you

  • someone will request something of you

  • someone will say “no”

  • someone will sue you

  • someone won’t meet your expectations

  • something is taking too long (impatience)

  • something will break and you’ll have to get it fixed

  • something won’t go right

  • sometimes you share yourself too openly

  • the pain will continue

  • the “rule of the majority” will destroy individual rights

  • things aren’t clean enough

  • what happened means something about you

  • you can’t afford or don’t have insurance

  • you can’t control someone

  • you can’t control something

  • you can’t cope with life

  • you can’t trust others

  • you do not have enough time to get everything done

  • you don’t have a compelling future

  • you don’t have a life direction

  • you don’t have enough adventure in your life

  • you don’t have enough intimacy in your life

  • you don’t have enough saved for retirement

  • you have to be happy or nice for others

  • you need to be more organized

  • you should be more extroverted

  • you sometimes keep things too much inside

  • you will need another too much

  • you won’t be able to get what you want

  • you won’t be able to perform sexually

  • you won’t be able to persist

  • you won’t be persistent

  • you won’t be smart enough

  • you won’t belong or fit in

  • you won’t do the right thing

  • you won’t feel loved by others

  • you won’t find a way to solve the problem

  • you won’t get fired you so you can get unemployment insurance

  • you won’t get into heaven (or that you’ll go to hell)

  • you won’t get your fair share of the inheritance

  • you won’t live up to others’ expectations

  • you won’t live up to your full potential

  • you won’t pass the test

  • you won’t reach your goals

  • you won’t take care of yourself

  • you won’t win your lawsuit

  • your children won’t love you

  • your company will downsize or go bankrupt

  • your depression will continue

  • your duties will keep you in a box

  • your insurance won’t come through

  • your insurance won’t cover your condition

  • your reputation will take a hit

  • your thinking is not independent enough

  • you’ll be a burden to others

  • you’ll be assaulted

  • you’ll be bored

  • you’ll be disowned by a family or community member

  • you’ll be embarrassed

  • you’ll be helpless

  • you’ll be invisible to another

  • you’ll be lonely

  • you’ll be overwhelmed

  • you’ll be pressured (or are being pressured)

  • you’ll disappoint others

  • you’ll disappoint yourself (not meet your own expectations)

  • you’ll feel guilty

  • you’ll feel shame

  • you’ll forget something you should remember

  • you’ll get distracted

  • you’ll lose someone’s love

  • you’ll lose someone’s respect or admiration

  • you’ll lose your freedom

  • you’ll lose your job to automation

  • you’ll lose your job to foreign competition

  • you’ll lose your temper

  • you’ll lose something

  • you’ll make a mistake

  • you’ll miss alcohol if you quit

  • you’ll miss smoking if you quit

  • you’ll miss some drug if you quit

  • you’ll miss out on something

  • you’ll miss something you should have noticed

  • you’ll never be the popular one

  • you’ll never feel like you’re enough

  • you’ll never get it all together

  • you’ll procrastinate

  • you’ll procrastinate more and more

  • you’re get hungry on your diet

  • you’re going to get fired

  • you’re going to owe money on your taxes

  • you’re going to put your foot in your mouth

  • you’re missing something

  • you’re not ambitious enough

  • you’re not doing a good enough job

  • you’re not doing your best

  • you’re not following through on your plans

  • you’re not going to die soon

  • you’re not going to get enough sleep

  • you’re not going to get to sleep soon

  • you’re not good enough

  • you’re not more self-expressed

  • you’re not normal

  • you’re not saving enough

  • you’re not smart enough

  • you’re not spontaneous enough

  • you’re not structured or organized enough

  • you’re not taking care of now

  • you’re not taking care of the future

  • you’re not being responsible

  • you’re shy

  • you’re spoiling your children

  • you’re too easily influenced by others

  • you’re too indulgent with yourself

  • you’re too late to do what you wanted to do

  • you’re too lazy

  • you’re too selfish

  • you’re too strict with your children

  • you’re too stubborn

 

You get the idea.

 

Unlearning the chronic habit of resisting your fear

 

The dam that holds back (and fights with) your fears was built over a lifetime. It’s not going to disappear overnight. In fact, it will probably never completely disappear. But by making a game of chipping away at it, step by step, day by day, your energy and confidence will increase and maintain. You’ll become more at peace with yourself and with others.

 

A unique type of dufear (because it doesn’t occur as fear) is guilt. Here’s a link especially design to show you how to disappear guilt: Undoing guilt.


To create and maintain this game I recommend targeting various different worries (dufears) using Kickstarting a Mental Habit along with Undoing Fear.

0revised 20201219.jpg