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The leader of leaders

Your Primo Habit

The actionable information in this link could be the most important information in this website as well as for your whole life. See if you don't agree with me.

If you establish this as the lead habit for your life...

By installing this recurring behavior as your most fundamental go-to habit, everything else that you want will flow appropriately out of that.

This habit (Your Primo Habit) consists of two linked behaviors. The first behavior (unconsciously triggered) must occur before the second one can be consciously executed. Taken together they will provide a consistent foundation for living a great life.

Two linked behaviors

Install the first of these two linked behaviors by training your unconscious mind to alert you to any out-of-integrity conditions. Taken at first blush, you might think this would be easy because the symptom of any of these conditions is suffering. But it does take training to become aware of our suffering because most of us have either desensitized ourselves to our suffering or we take our suffering for granted out of our belief that our suffering is necessary and/or even noble.

Two types of integrity

To assist in becoming more alert to our suffering, let's distinguish the two types of integrity, the absence of which in a given circumstance causes suffering. 

The first type of integrity is Now/Next integrity. The second type is Oneself/Others integrity.

Suffering caused by lack of integrity

Here are just some of the different expressions of suffering (or suffering-waiting-to-happen) that being out-of-integrity causes:

  • worry and anxiety

  • feeling pressured and overwhelmed

  • feeling stress

  • impatience, waiting for something to be over

  • feeling blame, criticism, or irritability towards another

  • feeling like a victim

  • self pity

  • criticizing others

  • feeling that life/people are unfair

  • feeling defensive

  • feeling regret

  • feeling lonely

  • feeling "why does this happen to me?"

  • feeling like you don't have enough time or money

  • not feeling good enough

  • not feeling worthy or deserving

  • not being your own best friend and fan

  • thinking that something should be different that the way it is

  • feeling that you must do or have to do anything

  • indecisiveness and hesitancy

  • lack of confidence

  • lack of persistence

  • procrastination

  • feeling that something is hard or difficult

  • not giving up when it would be best to give up

  • tolerating someone else

  • tolerating what you're doing or going through

  • avoiding looking at some issue or taking some action

  • avoiding making requests 

  • avoiding saying "no"

  • avoiding making promises

  • avoiding planning, setting goals, or making a schedule

  • feeling guilty, any sort of self-blame

  • perfectionism

  • shyness

  • jealousy and envy

  • setting oneself up to feel upset or betrayed

  • indulging in expectations of oneself or others that can lead to being upset

  • avoiding thinking about your future while indulging in alcohol (or whatever)

  • sacrificing your Now for what your Next wants.

  • sacrificing taking care of yourself (Oneself) for taking care of others (Others)

  • trying to please others at the expense of being true to yourself

How to habitualize the first behavior

The first part of the habit (noticing when you're suffering because something is out of integrity) must be installed as an unconscious behavior that occurs without your conscious intention. Use kickstarting a mental habit with the words, "Am I suffering now?" to install this behavior.

Choosing consciously to effect the second behavior

Once you've become aware that you're currently suffering, then you can consciously continue to the next part of The Primo Habit. Short of an emergency situation, you prioritize resolving the issue of integrity by using one or more approaches to create Now/Next integrity and/or Oneself/Others integrity. Once all parts of yourself are on the same page, then resume with integrity whatever has been agreed upon within yourself.

Tools for creating integrity

Refer to the NNI toolkit and OOI toolkit, as needed, to help create this integrity.

Establishing and maintaining integrity is a life-long process. Take it step by step. Have fun with it. It becomes more and more natural as you get used to creating alignment between your Now and your Next, between your Oneself and your Others.

A Now/Next conflict example

At 3.12 pm you remember your Next's intention to take a 20-minute jog today. But your Now is not feeling like it...she wants to continue watching the new TV series you've discovered on Netflix. Next is concerned about your health and the shortness of breath you've experienced lately. Next begins to criticize Now to pressure her into jogging, as you had planned to do for today. Now just wants to watch one more episode, but Next knows how Now will keep trying to delay. Next puts on more pressure, but Now pushes back. It seems that either way you choose, you lose.

Integrity first

You remember your intention to put integrity first. You pause Netflix. But neither do you get up to jog. Your first job is to find a way (in this circumstance) for Now and Next to both win, to both be happy. They both want you to be happy, they are just responsible for different time spans.

How to create NNI

Glancing over the links within the NNI toolkit, you make a mental note to explore later Keeping fit in 9 minutes per week. For now, however, you decide to try the Five-minute trial...both Now and Next are agreeable. The agreement they make is, "We'll put on our jogging clothes. If, after that, Now still doesn't want to jog, we'll return to watching Netflix and Next will accept that. If Now is agreeable to the jog, then after the 20-minute jog, we'll return to Netflix with Next's blessings."

Now and Next are happy together

You have restored integrity and all of you is happy, not just one part at the expense of the other. This is The Primo Habit in action. Honor yourself for your courage to establish and maintain this habit.

A Oneself/Others conflict example

You're looking forward to organizing your bedroom closet this afternoon. Your best friend calls with a rather urgent request that you edit his newly updated resume (you have skills in this area) that he promised to send out tonight. Your Oneself would really prefer to organize the closet. But your Others would like to please and help your friend. You're also concerned that your friend will be disappointed or blame you if you say, "no." Your Oneself and your Others are arguing back and forth. Either way you choose, it seems like you lose.

Integrity first

You remember your intention to put integrity first, neither sacrificing Oneself for Others or Others for Oneself. You ask your friend for five minutes and you'll call him back with your response. To review, you glance through the OOI toolkit and decide that you'll try the Partnership Conversation with your friend.

How to create OOI

Calling him back, you say, "An important part of me would love to say 'yes' to your request to edit your resume. But another part of me would prefer to organize my closet this afternoon as I have wanted to do for a long time. It's important that I find a way for both parts of me be happy about whatever decision I make. So I need your help. I want you to be selfish in your request that I edit your resume. But, at the same time, I want me to be fully happy too. Let's discuss and brainstorm together to see if we can find a way for both of us to be happy and to continue to feel great about our relationship. Let's find a way for your selfishness and my selfishness to work together, okay?"

Oneself and Others are happy together

 

You find that, through this partnership conversation with your friend, your Oneself and your Others can both be happy. This is The Primo Habit in action.

Honor yourself for your courage to establish and maintain this habit.

A most important last point

Put top priority on learning to enjoy every opportunity to practice "Your Primo Habit." After all, this is the habit that will support everything else that you want.